Time by  S.A.Goodman - Short, Drama - Two Minutes is a short amount of time to leave behind a legacy. 2 pages - pdf, format

hey SA,

let me preface this review by saying that 2 page scripts are REALLY difficult to write. you barely have a chance to introduce, let alone develop any character, story line, etc.

as for your script, it's not all that captivating. at the end, i shrugged my shoulders and said, "who cares?" the long VO's dont help. You need to break them up with small descriptors. anything, quite frankly, to make them not feel so long and tiresome. there are a few grammar mistakes in the dialogue which causes it to sound a little strange at times.

regardless, the biggest problem here is that you dont have a story. and what you're trying to convey to the audience isnt all that deep or unique for that matter.

sorry i couldnt be more positive. thanks for the read.

Sorry, nothing positive to say here.

2 minutes of film, and almost zero visuals going on. I mean, seriously...an alarm clock, a pair of eyes, and a silhouette of a man on a chair?  That's not a film, IMO.

The V.O. dialogue is oddly phrased and doesn't work at all or really say anything.

The writing itself is so full of direction and odd phrasings, it also doesn't work at all.

What am I to take from this?  I took nothing, sorry to say.  No story, no characters, no visuals.

Take care.

Wow, that title page is quite a bit of fanfare for a two-page script.

The visuals here are so static and cliché -- for a piece that is totally carried by the dialogue, that dialogue needs to be more compelling.  At the very least, more revealing.  All the man is doing is talking in riddles, and to what end?

So something happens at midnight?  Is this supposed to be Father Time ringing in the New Year or something?

Otherwise, I just do not get this one.

First, Thanks albinopenguin, Dreamscale, Bert.

For taking the time to read my little 'crazy' script lol  I appreciate it and giving your feedback.

This was just a crazy thing that popped into my mind and I wrote, and tbh, I know it wasn't great or anyone that close.  

The only idea I had was this little kind of voiceover or someone, telling a small tale with little clues to who/what he was.  I focused more on the 'dialogue' than the scenery/images etc which doesn't look like it came out that well in the end.

**SPOILERS**
The idea behind it, and I'm sure most worked out in some form, was the man was leaving behind a legacy as a mentor to the next student he has trained to take over where he left off.  If not understood, it was supposed to be he was a serial killer, and his student was now taking over his role.  I guess a slight influence of being a fan of 'Dexter' crept in while I thought of this.

The way I viewed it though, was people could view it as 2 different ways:

1.  He was about to be 'executed' for his crimes in front of the family of his victims.  (ie. electric chair/gas or whatever use anymore lol).  But knowing his work will carry on with someone who has taken his place outside in the world.
2.  His work was done, and the only way he can now make the student the new mentor, was to sacrifice himself as the students victim, and therefore his own life in a passing of the torch kind of thing, as his last own sacrificial victim of his own crimes.

Again, it doesn't seem to have come out as well as I had hoped, and I would have liked to have done more than 2 pages but didn't for some reason.

The title 'Time' was basically along the lines of, his time is up, his life is now over and he is reflecting slightly on what he is, and the legacy he leaves behind.

Smaller points:

I agree, I should have added more descriptions of the scenes inbetween VO's, grammer sadly is not my strongest point but I continue to work on it.

Re: The Visuals symbolised in my eyes where clues to where he was, a clock of counting down the time to his death, the eyes as they closed as he passed on, and the silhouette of a man on a chair which he is tied to and cannot escape.  I could have done so much better in this though and didn't come across as well as hoped.

Odd phrasings, sorry, welcome to my crazy mind.  I am, I guess, a little weird in what I say and how I try to convey it in words, never comes out as I see them or believe they should and often people don't understand or see the way I see it.

Title page, yeah sorry lol.  Just a little something I add to my scripts now,  maybe too much for a short this length.

Riddles, again, I guess like I state, is the way I try to get my message across doesn't come out as I hoped.  The clues in some form are in the words as to what is going on and who he is/what he did.

Anyway, once again I appreciate you taking time to read it and your thoughts on it.  Hopefully my next work won't be as so 'strange' or 'crazy', although the one I wrote does sound along same lines but I may work on it some more before I post it up.  

It's certainly longer script wise a little, but still the way I wrote first draft is still very confusing I feel and little imagery/visuals again which some may not enjoy.  I need to work on adding more to break parts up.  Also is scripted as a POV shot which I'm finding quite difficult to convey in what's happening.

For this next one though, it's the strong 'visual' ending is what I wanted to get a message across, kind of 'Twilight Zone' type and heavily influenced by one of the episodes, a favourite of mine.

Hopefully it will come across better when I'm ready to have it sent in and posted up   Thanks.