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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  Home Movie Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 1st, 2011, 5:02pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Home Movie by Megan Thompson (urgone4ever011) - Horror - Jake Kelley isn't socially relevant in high school. He's an aspiring filmmaker and has eyes for only one girl: Lindsay Swanson, the queen bee in his mind, until he's known of her little secret. Desperate to make things right, Jake sets out on his own little sick quest to win Lindsay over. 107 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  November 22nd, 2011, 7:02pm
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crookedowl
Posted: June 3rd, 2011, 10:21pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Megan,

Your script has a good storyline, and mostly good dialogue and description, although the formatting isn't that great. Have you tried celtx? It's free scirpt formatting softrware that you can download at http://celtx.com/.

Anyway, at first I liked the script, despite the formatting issues. So I read to about page 30, and got tired of it. I thought the story wasn't paced right. I mean, Lindsay was already crying on page 20-something, which seemed a little too emotional so near the beginning of the scirpt. Slow it down a little. Let us get to know the characters first, before much action comes in. Sure, it's horror, but that doesn't mean we can't care about the characters.

And I thought Jake's personality was a little confusing. I mean, at first I thought he was some geeky film guy, but then he starts saying things like "F--- you" which made me think of him as more of a jerk than a nice geek.

Also, I thought there was too much swearing, which got annoying fast. I seriously doubt that ANY kids actually say the f-word every thirty seconds. A few times is fine, because it can make your dialogue sound more realistic, but too many times is just plain annoying.

Anyway, when you develope the characters more, fix the formatting, and edit it some, I might read it. And I'm looking forward to reading the next draft. This script has the potential to be a really good horror film someday.

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Don  -  June 25th, 2011, 10:43am
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blueeyescrookedsmile
Posted: November 16th, 2011, 3:40pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for taking the time to read it. I have written a new draft and will post it on here soon. It was my attempt at being "serious" which I think failed in some areas. The revised version does contain better formatting and different versions of scenes/kills. I'm glad for your criticism. I have gotten a lot from the script, actually. I think I have fixed what I can. Regarding the cursing ...  Well, I don't know what to say there. I guess it's all on opinion on whether it has been fixed or not.
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