Lumberjack by John Shepherd - Short, Action - A gritty police detective is forced to square off against an opponent that knows too much.  12 pages - pdf, format

*Note: the writer of this script had already submitted a previous entry to the OWC.  Some folks think multiple OWC entries are cool.  Some folks don't.  Just wanted to let you know so you could make an informed decision.

LUMBERJACK

Action:     High octane
Low budget: SFx for bodies. Trip wire.

Worthy entry!

* Missed opportunity to introduce MOM as MOTHER BAADAZ
* No need to use BAADAZ as character name, he is a bad ass
* Cheating on song reference, use the lyrics as needed
* Series of shots too long – almost like directing
* The bad guy won, not the bad ass cop – cool
* The ending was strange, we know who he is

Here's a fun one for the kids, lol.  Some parts i liked, others not so much.  The dissection scenes were gruesome indeed.  Inventive scene taping the dvds to the pizza boxes.

Didn't understand Lumberjack's motivations or why exactly he targeted Baadaz and Heddy.

Why is there a web page address on page 4?

That has to be the longest series of shots I've ever  seen in any screenplay ever.  Three pages worth.  If you were going for laughs on that, okay.  If not, it just got ridiculous.

Didn't get the ending and why would you end on a character slug?

Overall, an ambitious entry but in need of serious refinement.

There are a couple of clever moments, the Donkey Kong reference is well timed, but the attempts at humor get lost in the gruesomeness.  Wasted effort that you used a Louis Armstrong song.  

Had its moments but it got frustrating to read.

First of all, that series of shots?  Just a little redundant.  I was ready to get on with it after 14 or 15.  Baadaz's involvement in the series was second fiddle to the torture porn and, really, after 14 or 15 of these it gets old.  

Would have liked more information on Lumberjack and you could easily have included it without the 3 pages of series of shots.  His actions are ridiculously creepy and his disguise is great and certainly his sequences are frightening...but what's his deal?  Just a little insight.  

Overall it's definitely a dark one and nothing is resolved and there's questions left over.  But it was a curious read and it has potential.

Good job for a week.

Greg

Oh boy...

What's with the "SUBURBAN" stuff again in so many Slugs?  Ridiculous.

The writing here (and a few other of these entries) often comes across like a robot speaking, with all the missing "A" and "the" and the like.  Seriously...it reads very poorly.

Lots of really awkward lines as well throughout.

What's with "Pizza Dude"  You're saying this is this Lumberjack dude, just waltzing into a police station like that?  Seems to me he just completely gave himself away, whether he got away this time or not.  Rather foolish, if you ask me.

The series of shots thing was just unreal.  I stopped reading less than halfway through it,a s it just keep going on and on. Again, downright ridiculous.

For me, the entire feel here is just so cheesy in a bad way and over the top in a bad way that I can't take any of it remotely seriously.

Sorry, but in no way does this work for me.

Does Dreamscale like any of the OWC scripts?

Not many, but you'll see a few positive remarks here and there, and some compliments to a few writers.

Someone's got to keep it real.

What are your feelings on this script, US?

It was good at best for me. I really didn't read every shot that was listed because it was three pages long. WAY TOO LONG. Get the important ones in there, then get out.

Most of it read more comical to me, the vibe was hit or miss most of the time. It seemed to be a bad mix of three different genres.

What's with the link to the song?

I kept hating reading his last name Detective 'Baadaz'. I'm sure it's clever when you're watching a movie, but on paper it doesn't work for me.

Not my favourite, but not the worst. With a few re-writes this could be great actually.

# 15 Lumberjack -
A gritty police detective is forced to square off against an opponent that knows too much.  12 pages.

Format: Perfect - Good -  Close Enough
Notes: Pg 5 someone isn't going to like you tearing up their front lawn driving a car through it. Twice. Pg 8 Louis Armstrong always needed a music video choreographed. I don't think this is what he had in mind. Pg 11, Um... forget to end this properly? Learn to use FADE TO BLACK: and maybe a THE END.
Action: H3ll, Yeah! - Pretty Good - Eventually - Needs More
Breakdown:  Action begins late on pg 4 to end of pg10. Set up's a bit long, but a fair to decent ratio.

Budget Considerations:
Locations - Suburban kitchen and interior/exterior w/ driveway, street scene, strip mall service area, police station interior and bathroom, parking lot, bushes across the street, multiple neighborhood street scenes, church exterior and service area, suburban home w/ separate garage, a space to build the "workshop"
Props - Eggs, toast, coffee, Pistol and shoulder holster, badges x5, box of Krispy Kreme donuts and pair of Starbucks coffee cups, pistol w/ belt holster, 35mm camera w/ flash, body bag, box of latex gloves, pizza boxes w/ DVDs taped x10, bindings, wooden chair, paring knife, fake blood + vomit, spool of thin steel wire, phone on wall, 1k twin halogen shop lights x2, lally column, duct tape, safety-kut scissors, Lumberjack's boots, long serrated knife, circular saw, reciprocating saw, other assorted cutting tools, "meat" chunks, ARCADIA ST. sign, clotted blood, dumpster, reinforced table, 6mil black plastic roll, cigarette + lighter
Costumes - Suits x6, black police uniforms w/ utility belts + pistols w/ holsters + handcuffs x12, Pizza Place sport shirt and ball hat,
Vehicles - Baadaz's car, Police cars x4, ambulance, concrete truck w/ stunt driver, front load trash truck w/ stunt driver, school bus, yellow cab + stunt driver,
Actors - Baadaz, Mom, Heddy, Photographer, Paramedic, Police Officers x 12, Sam + five officers, Lumberjack, Bouncing Boobs (might find stock footage), Child in Street, Bus Driver, stunt cars and drivers for street scene,  Cab Driver, five elderly neighbors.
SFX - Mutilated body, cutting into Mom Baadaz's arm, skin+muscle+bone practical FX for Heddy's arms and legs, tire smoking,
dismembered arm (if previous practical can't be used), roostertail of dirt and sod, pink blood cloud, crash Baadaz's car into yellow cab,
First Baptist Church sign, practical femoral artery spew.
Other - Music, video record of DVD contents, stunt pads for Heddy hitting ground and sliding, wireworks for pull across street, make up artist for limb discolorations + bloody road rash, spray mister for sweat, build black plastic workshop,

Budget Guesstimate: At least $5k, probably $10 to $20k.   The extensive use of vehicles is what drives up the budget. This really can't be done cheap by a guerrilla crew and some non-SAG volunteers.
What I like: Torture porn is in vogue these days. Can't say I like it despite it's popularity. I liked the bouncing boobs part.
What I'd change: More action, less scenario building.
How I envision this looking: Like an Eli Roth movie or any Lions Gate film. It'll look like shite if done on the cheap.
What I'd like to know from the writer:
Rick Heddy = Dick Head,
Ansel = Ansel Adams taking pictures,
Lumberjack = removes limbs,
Murder of Crows = Murder of black uniformed Police Officers.
I don't suppose Baadaz's first name is William, is it?
Billy Badass?

Torture porn ain't my thing.  Read through this one.  Don't see the point.  Never see the point of torture porn.  Didn't see the point of this story.  What is the character arc?  That's he's a badass and then he loses out to an unmotivated serial killer?  Meh.  Torture porn.  Never interesting, rarely effective.

Remember the good old days when a balloon in telephone wires was the most upsetting image in a movie?  It's funny, because 70+ years later, that image is still more effective than anything in here.

Picked the script with the fewest reads.

This one reminded me of J. A. Konrath's books. In fact there were quite a few similarities to several of his books.

I think it's hard to write a good short with cops and a serial killer in it and have this much action in it. There's just not enough room to develop characters properly. The story suffers for it. To make this satisfying we need to get to know Baadaz better, but we really need to know Lumberjacks story and what drives him.

Torture porn? I didn't really see it as such, but hey, I'm the one that likes reading Konrath.  

Ray is doing something good here which is something I suggest any writer should do with their scripts even if not planning on shooting it. That's breaking down the script and taking a hard look at what you actually have written into the story. By braking it down into props and various FX you'll learn to recognize what brings up the cost of production and it will help in writing low budget.

The writing here is almost too terse. It reads almost clipped. I sort of write that way too, but in my case it has more to do with avoiding getting grammar wrong. Ever since a pro read a short of mine, I still cringe when I have to use the word "and". I thought this read too "clipped" but I still prefer that over overwritten stuff.

In short, I think you did a pretty good job, but the story seemed very familiar. Only thing you need to do is develop characters better.

PS. I thought Lumberjack managed to get Heddy tied up awfully fast. He did all that while Baadaz was driving home?

On p4 there is a link to a MP3 file which is out of place. There was once a suggestion, apparently long since forgotten, of why it is not reccomended that specific non public domain songs are not used in spec scripts. There's not a guarantee that *will* be the song that gets into the film. It's not like we are talking Mozart, Strauss or Souza. Not to mention that the song 'Wonderful World' has been used in many a film to comment on a depressing tragedy But this time, a URL link. >
I guess that IS helpful - because then we know what version of the song is played.   I'm sure you mean Louis Armstrong, but for all I know it's the cover by Joey Ramone.

Or Joe Pesci.

As said above, some lack of grammar DOES make this a bit clunky to read at times.
I'm also not (and never have been or will be) a huge fan of naming characters by generic profession. "Officer" "Pizza Guy"...drives me bonkers. Not as much as the shot list though. As I read through the list, I'm thinking one thing:

You don't need half of them.
You could easily have 4 or 5 little scenes in between, and make it look a lot cleaner.

John,

This one blew the budget constraint right out of the water.
I dug the Porno and a Pizza idea, I think there's money to be made there.
The first adult entertainment pizza emporium. I like it!

You plunged with wild abandon through an incoherent rollercoaster derailment.
The Lumberjack idea is cool, but there's zero motivation here.
The series of shots is quite a spectacular display of anti-spec writing.
Perhaps your talent may lie in being a director yourself?

You have some decent ideas on the page, but they're muddled at best.
Any good visuals and concepts are undone by slipshod narrative.

Thanks for playing, OWCs don't work without effort like yours!

Regards,
E.D.