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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Please Hang Up and Try Again Moderators: bert
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  Author    Please Hang Up and Try Again  (currently 1452 views)
Don
Posted: June 25th, 2011, 12:22am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Please Hang Up and Try Again by Will Ball (albinopenguin) - Short - A dark comedic sketch about the most annoying voicemail ever conceived (and what should happen to the people who record it). 7 pages - pdf, format


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jwent6688
Posted: June 25th, 2011, 7:09am Report to Moderator
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Sent a PM to Don. Link is not working.

James


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albinopenguin
Posted: June 25th, 2011, 10:36am Report to Moderator
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Thanks James! I appreciate it


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Don
Posted: June 25th, 2011, 12:49pm Report to Moderator
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Link fixed.

Don


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jwent6688
Posted: June 26th, 2011, 9:04am Report to Moderator
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Can argue this til we're blue in the face, but I'm always gonna say someone on the other end of a telephone should be (V.O.)

"His is apartment is a wreck and parallels his
mental state." pg 4 typo. I think page 4, you don't have any page numbers...

Strange story that didn't work to well for me. They all kept getting Brandon's voice mail with the same message. I guess I was hoping for more of a twist that put this whole thing together at the end. I got that he died but didn't see the relevance of Emily's baby not being his or why Joe was ignorant enough to dig his ass up in the end. Sorry i don't have anything more positive to say, I usually enjoy your stuff. Just not this time...

James


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 26th, 2011, 11:53am Report to Moderator
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I read this a few days ago but didn't want to start things off negatively.

This didn't work for me in any way.

James is 100% correct.  Someone on the other end of a telephone conversation is "(V.O.)".  "(O.S.)" is not correct.

Also, on the opening page, you say he looks like "an Eddie Bower douche bag".  If you're referring to the line of clothing, it's spelled wrong and is a terrible way to jump out of the gate.

The writing itself just isn't visual at all.  We get the same setup/payoff phone gag going over and over again, but that's rally about all each scene is.

I understand the concept and idea here, but for me, it sure doesn't work in a visual medium, at least the way it's written so "unvisually".

I didn't like any of the characters and didn't find the attempts at humor, funny.

Sorry.
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albinopenguin
Posted: June 26th, 2011, 8:32pm Report to Moderator
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god damn it. i researched the whole VO/OS thing for about an hour and i swear to god it was split 50/50. half of the guides said VO, the other's said OS. in hindsight, VO makes a lot more sense considering the character isn't actually there.

but i digress. thanks for the reads and honesty. seriously, its greatly appreciated.

cant all be winners haha i was actually sitting on this for several weeks, but i couldnt come up with a decent ending. i'm still not happy with it. i want something that brings all the previous scenes together while packing a punch. i threw it up here hoping it would get the juices going.

one thing i do want to defend (because it comes up often), is that i'm really marketing this as a sketch and NOT a short. whereas a short should contain character arc, plot, etc, my sketches rarely contain such devices. it also alters what and how much descriptors i put into my sketches. i see where you're coming from dreamscale, and perhaps i should include more action rather than honing in on the dialogue. but i did want to play out the same scene again and again with worsening results for each scene.

and im kicking myself in the ass for eddie bauer misspelling. i work in the fashion/modeling industry and i'm sure id get fired if anyone saw that. tells you how much i despise the brand.


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 27th, 2011, 6:01pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Will, when I mentioned visual writing or "unvisual" writing, i was referring to the fact that you didn't once give any visuals for a single scene.  It may be clear in your head what each scene looks like, but we as readers need a little description to go by.
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albinopenguin
Posted: June 27th, 2011, 9:05pm Report to Moderator
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Gotchya. Will keep this in mind for sure. Thanks man!


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Pale Yellow
Posted: October 26th, 2011, 2:05pm Report to Moderator
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I don't really know what to say. I'm very new at this but I can't imagine watching that at all. I need more ...descriptive scenes ...the whole thing seemed to be voicemail.  Sorry man. If you change it up some would love to read it again.
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Baltis.
Posted: October 26th, 2011, 2:36pm Report to Moderator
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The only way a phone conversation could be handled with (OS) is if the guy/girl on the phone is in the same room, hiding in a closet or something... and even then it's questionable.  I'd just stick to (VO) and leave the technical's up to the directors and higher ups.
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albinopenguin
Posted: October 26th, 2011, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
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hey guys, thanks a lot for your input. Not going to lie, i was trying to let this one die out. wasn't too happy with it and i felt like this one was a step backwards for me. my other scripts are much better.

but thank you for checking it out (and dont judge my writing skills on this one haha)


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Baltis.
Posted: October 26th, 2011, 2:51pm Report to Moderator
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Your 1st page is highly inaccurate... I mean even an amateur should know better than to

--  Let a scene heading loiter around the bottom of the page

But it's even more than that -- It's the way it's worded.  It's the way things unfold for us that makes it a tough sell.  I'm not saying someone wouldn't buy it in this state, but it's highly unlikely one should even want to try and shop it around in such a poor state.

Allow me to tweak a few bits for ya...

Joe pulls out his CELLPHONE and hits speed dial. The name
“BRANDON” appears on the screen.


It works and saves space -- but the proper way to really, truly indicate that all we are seeing is just the cellphone screen is like this:

Joe whips out his CELLPHONE and hits speed dial.

SCREEN:
BRANDON
BACK TO SCENE

Yes, it takes up more space, but screenplays aren't suppose to be walls of ink and de-botchery.

- Helllllllo!!!  In dialogue is absolutle lunacy. Don't do that.

- There is a much more visual way of showing us a phone is ringing and how many times it's ringing by simply doing something like this

RING!  RING!  RING!

on it's own line, off to itself.  And to be honest, it kind of got redundant reading the phone rings 3 times every time.

---
What you got is a cute little story with some mildly entertaining happenings.  I think it ends rather absurdly and juvenile, but then again there is a market for that type of material.  I can't say I totally agree with the others who said they couldn't visualize this -- I could visualize it, I just didn't really like it.  Yes, it could be done better and more efficient, but at least you're on the right track.  You simply need to learn the strict rule of the do's and don'ts and you should be set.

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albinopenguin
Posted: October 26th, 2011, 2:59pm Report to Moderator
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thanks Balt, i appreciate the tips. about the scene heading loitering around the bottom of the screen - i write with celtx and i'll see what i can do from preventing it from happening again. its a finicky program. but its free so theres that.

didnt know about the cell phone screen. I'll make a note of it in my "screenwriting tips" notebook. thank you sir!


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