Take This Probe & Shove It by Charles Martin - Thriller - There is over 300,000 reported UFO sightings in just the last 15 years and 70,000 reported abductions in the last 7years. This is the story of a love stricken war veteran they never should have f@*ked with. 117 pages - pdf, format

Having grammar mistakes and swearing in your logline is not really a great way to introduce your script. Also the two sentences you have written really don't gel together at all, sounds like two different stories.

But what the hell, let's open it up and take a look as the title sounds interesting. Unfortunately your first paragraph confirms the suspicions raised from your logline, so I've just closed it without reading your first page. Most will do the same. Read lots of scripts on here and do some serious editing on your work after you've picked up some tips.

Cheers,
Tim.

Hello Charles, and welcome to the boards.

To tell a reader that you "could care less" is poor form, and will not exactly encourage additional readers.  "Thank you" is a more typical response.

I did pop open the script to see what Trojan was talking about, and the problems are immediately evident.

The first slug line is wrong.  The opening paragraph is 17 lines long, and in it, you use "we" 14 times. You name specific music. You have typos (it is hurtle, not hurdle).

When all of this occurs in the first paragraph of a 117 page script, it is very unfair to blame the reader for not wanting to continue.

Myself, I stopped when the very first line of dialogue concerned "poop" -- but that was more of a personal choice on my part as opposed to any real error in format.

Presentation is important, as are manners.  Best of luck with it.

Charles,

You also don't introduce your characters, which is basic screenwriting.

I can tell you that the yes and no piles in Hollywood are very real. First, you get one page to impress; if you pass that test you'll get 10, and then 30, and if they're still with you at the end of act 1 chances are they will finish.

So what Bert told you about presentation being important is very true. And the rules exist to weed out the hundreds of thousands of people who are not disciplined enough to learn them. Only after learning them can we break them, and professional readers can tell the difference between the mavericks and the lazy writers.

And as for using more lines than the experts say to use - well, the experts are experts for a reason.

AJR

I feel inspired.

Thank you, Charles.

Quoted from Charles Martin I would love to hear any comments by anyone who has read the script completely. I can care less about the logline or some gramatical errors. I tell a great story that relays to readers well. To make comments just based on logline and first paragraph is just another example of why no good movies are made anymore. I am sure your a very proficent writer. That being said, I will take that Pepsi Challenge any day with any script as to which would make a better film. The logline I just wrote on the fly to post it here and I shoulda placed it under Sci/fi or Horror but I hate trying to define my script to one genre since it incorporates many. And yes I know I use alot more detail then the "Experts" say to use in a screenplay.

Supreme self confidence or just complete arrogance and ignorance in one neat package? Well after 10 pages I can tell that your 'magnus opus' isn't all you claim it is. You are guilt of about every screenwriting mistake, from formatting issues to just plain boring dull dialouge. Most importantly, there is no hook. Many readers will tell you to 'Take This Script And Shove It'. Time to heat up the oven for some humble pie.

Charles,

Honestly, this is very difficult to read.  It isn't your writing so much, you aren't a bad writer, but those large action blocks are killers - they make the read really slow.   First order of business break those up.  Also, I did see some passive language in there as well.

One other thing to not do is number your scenes.  This tells me that you are a novice at writing screenplays.  You might be but you don't need to announce it like that.

These seemingly insignificant things to you are actually very important to the reader.  When you read, a lot of deviations from usual format slow the process down incredibly.   So many screenplays get posted here that it is not fair to other posters for you to expect someone to read 117 pages of script if you haven't put in the effort to make it quickly readable for us.

Also, I think I remember reading some of  this over at Movie Poet.  I didn't see it in the first 10 pages and I'm hoping it wasn't the comedy contest because that's not judged yet.  Kind of ruins your anonymity.      

I think you have a good premise here and you definitely attracted enough attention with it.  That's a huge hurdle you're over.  Now you just need to present it in a way that will encourage people to read it.

Charles,

Congratulations on completing a feature script.

I’ve heard it said that the best thing to do for your first script is to just write it. Apparently this lets you find your own voice and style before you get to worrying about what everyone else is expecting.

I know that when I wrote my first script I got irritated by the way everyone seemed to get hung up on things I didn’t see the significance of.

Unfortunately the commenters are right. It takes too much time and effort to review a feature length script if every page is hard to read.

As you make changes in the direction of a cleaner format you’ll be astounded at how much better the read becomes. It’s much easier to edit something that you have already written than it is to write fresh pages so hopefully you’ll sharpen this up quickly.

To back up what I’m saying I did a word count on your script and it has 28,407. A comedy script of mine has 14,847 words. Your words may be better than mine, but you’re asking people to read twice as many of them!

Philip

I really do appreciate everyone's comments and advice. Sorry I came across as such an Arrogant Arse but I am proud of this story and feel it will be a great film someday albiet after a few more rewrites it seems.=)

Quoted from Charles Martin I really do appreciate everyone's comments and advice. Sorry I came across as such an Arrogant Arse but I am proud of this story and feel it will be a great film someday albiet after a few more rewrites it seems.=)

Well, you've got the passion for your story, which is not to be undervalued, and you have pounded out the pages, which is half the battle.  The concept itself seems sound, lending itself to a good story.

Now you need to brush up on some of the bare-bones basics of scriptwriting -- a step you skimped on a bit -- but the good news is, that stuff is the easiest part.

Short paragraphs.  Lean and mean.  Lots of white space on the page.  Kill every "we" you can find unless there is no other way to express the thought.  That should at least get you started on the right track.

Read a few pro scripts to find the correct groove.  Ask questions.  Good luck.

Hello Charles,

You do need to learn to format a spec script and to be more sparse with your words. You may have a 117 pages, but this probably covers only about half the ground of what a properly formatted script would cover.

But, even though it's too wordy, and the formatting is not right, I can see what you're describing, in a lot of places. You're painting pictures with words, and a lot people don't do that. That's a good thing.

Don't lose that -- hang on to this script, learn more about formatting. Learn to be more succinct and then give it a rewrite.

Good luck.

I tried to get past this too, to see what the fuss is about. I laughed hard at the first line of spoken dialog. That said, when dad comes out of the bathroom, what does his daughter say?

"I gotta go"



And she leaves the trailer  
Anyway, most everything's been said, so I'll go with this:


- Try three narrative lines max instead of five;

- Even novelists use correct spelling

- Drop your camera angles.

- When you have an INT. scene, "Inside we see" is not needed. We're already inside.

- Give Mother and Father first names and stick with them. CAP 'em on intro. The aliens skinning them might have more impact if they had names.

Quoted Text Jake walks out of his trailer and squinting at the bright desert sun he pulls out a cigarette and his sun glasses from the same pocket with one hand. Jake walks over to an old Harley Davidson motorcycle and gets on it. Starting the bike in one motion, he lights a cigarette and sits for a second as the motorcycle warms up. Still smoking the cigarette Jake pulls out onto a dirt road and roars off with the dust billowing behind him.

Here's something that I find could be used as an example of how to shorten some of this up.
Ask yourself these questions:

1- Jake pulls out ONE cigarette out of a pocket. Same pocket as his sunglasses. Which pocket is it, and what was only ONE cigarette doing there? Last one in the pack? Enough room for his sunglasses too? One hand?

2- How far away is the bike?

3- What does he light his cigarette with? You see the lighter or match? I didn't.

Answer these questions, use active tense. You might wind up with something like this:



Jake walks over to his motorcycle and starts it.
Sits for a second as he lights up a cigarette.
Puts on sunglasses, roars off onto a dirt road.
Arizona dust billows behind him.


See that?
Yes, we don't need to see a lighter, it could be assumed he has one. In order to start the bike he has to get on it. Locale is established; Arizona desert will be hot and bright. If it's an EXT. of the trailer, "we" already see the trailer in the bg somewhere. We assume he came from there. Right?

Just a quick note because a couple of people are probably going to wonder about being deleted.  

- It's ok to defend your script in your script thread.  
- It is not ok to bring the argument into other threads.
- It is never ok to call people names.

The biggest complaint I have gotten so far is the use of the word "Poop". Not just here but from friends. I didn't think much of it cause I thought that would be a word used by a little girl. I was dead wrong,lol.
Again, I apprecitate any and all comments made and am jotting notes down constantly for the revision. I am also eagerly awaiting any comments from the folks who read the entire screenplay. You will have my undying gratitude.

I am still awaiting comments from anyone who reads the entire screenplay. I would really appreciate them. If you just wish to comment on how bad the opening is and how it just makes it impossible to read further, please don't. Pretend it's an adaption of a novel if this helps and give me advice accordingly. Don't just disregard entire story because I used incorrect formatting and a few typos occur. The Story is supposed to be the most important thing in a script so comment on that. I am not saying what to critique and what not to but I do need advice on the whole screenplay,not just the first few pages. I realize everyone is busy and no one is being paid for their criticisim's so all I can say is, Everyone's comments will be appreciated and the ones already made albiet some showed their elitest colors are recognized and I am thankful.