God 2.0 by Madison Paige (mpaige) - Short, Comedy - There's a shift change in heaven. 3 pages - pdf, format

Hi Madison, this is pretty well written. I don't like your logic though. I think it is human nature to become indifferent to others. Like having our own language. Our territorial disputes. Would have enjoyed it more if new god was concerned about the welfare of the planet when she was looking for the reset button. Still, an interesting piece.

I don't think it would make much of a decent film though. Its pretty much all dialogue. Could be easy to film, but the ending needs more punch if you want to attract filmakers IMO. Good luck with it...

James

Yo, Madison, just checked this out.  Sorry, but it doesn't work for me in any way.

First of all, turn off that irritating "CONTINUED" crap on every page.  No reason to have it.

Your intros were tough to get through and there are only 2, so that's not good.

As James correctly pointed out, this is almost 100% dialogue, and it's not that engaging either.  Wouldn't work at all in a filmed version.

It needs something "more".  Something interesting, funny, wild, anything.  As is, it's just kinda...meh, which isn't a word I use or like, but seems to fit here.

Sorry for being harsh, but I'm trying to help.

Take care.

I loved the concept, especially the 'reset.'  Run with this one, see how far you can get before you run out of breath.

why did it end? 3 pages? You have taken the time to come up with this really intriguing concept but didn't give it or yourself the time to really let it keep going. this couldve been a really good 10-15 page screenplay.

you couldve included the "mistakes" the new god would make and the inevitable return of the old god to a chaotic mess that was caused by the new one. which could eventually lead to an epilogue where the new god realises her mistakes and understands that the world DOES need to be the way it was.

but hey thats just my opinion, hope it helped.

I'll have to change the settings in my scriptwriting program. Sorry, didn't notice the contd's. I normally don't use them.

This was conceived as a comedy actually and I actually probably will film it at some point. Youre right there's not much action, but it's three pages. Set in the admin offices of heaven. Maybe add some other people or activities or disasters happening while the transition is taking place....that would add to the comedic effect, anyway. Or could.

I stopped it at three pages (or rather, just short of reset) for no particular reason, although yes, I agree, it could be lengthened into a full story. That just wasn't where this came from. My husband, who is part Jewish, and I were literally sitting around one day and it was me who said "we need a shift change in heaven", or something to that effect. My husband, who has moments of brilliant comedic sense, ran with it, invoking his "elder rabbi" voice and making more jokes than could even be put in the script. Two days later I decided to try my hand at writing a funny little super short. Not sure it worked, but I certainly didn't plan to make a full story of it. Although it lends itself to that nicely.

Thanks for the feedback. I may add some things to it in the future.

hey mpaige,

i think you really need to hone in on each character's philosophies when rewriting this. especially new god. she seems to say things that are contradictory to her previous statements.

overall, i think the script has an interesting idea. but like dreamscale said, it has to be funnier, more poignant, or something other than this. it's not a bad attempt, but it could be better.

to be honest with you, i actually didnt like new god. she just seemed like a new age hippie. she came across as some recent college grad who goes out into the world thinking he/she is smarter than friedrich nietzsche.

this definitely needs more action of some sort. what if god's position was less of an admin job and more like a blue collar factory worker who punches the clock kind of thing? make this more unique and i think you've got something. as it is now, i've seen far side comics say a whole lot more with a whole lot less.

Waitaminute - didn't I write something like this recently?  

(Just kidding - major differences exist between God 2.0 and Intelligent Design.)  Still, we're on a God kick now?  Meh.

Okay - joking aside...  I grant you, cute idea with this one.  And at 3 pages, one can't complain too much.

But if I were going to complain, I'd suggest making the dialogue flow a bit more naturally.  And God 2.0?  She comes off as an absolute bitch, not even asking her predecessor for suggestions before stamping all over established protocols.  And you need to do something more to establish that they're Gods to begin with.  After all, they don't have name tags.  (Though, that could be funny in and of itself...)

Cheers though, and welcome to the boards!

--WV (Janet)

thanks all!