Okora: The Prelude by Lyston Laurence & Lexx James - Short, Fantasy, Horror, Sci Fi - What if evil ran in your blood? Can we rewrite the future, surviving the present, escaping the past.. Or are we all just prisoners of our own demise? 18 pages - pdf, format

I applaud the effort here.  This is very deep, intelligent, stuff.  I have a feeling that many on here will be somewhat confused at what you were after, but I can safely say, "I get it."  

Philosophically speaking, using the 7 deadly sinners as either the 'hero' or the 'villain' was well thought out, including the Lucifer character, as that rings quite true in our world today.  The opening scene with the reflection says it all.  

Very strong effort gentlemen,(I assume Lexx is a male?), but why did you stop at 18 pages?  Do you have further plans for the story?  Serial?  Feature?  

Hey TheSecond.. Thanks so much for taking the time to have a read over our script!!

This short version works as a standalone film, and a teaser into the crazy world of Okora. We have the full feature already written and as its far too complex and big-scale we condensed it down to a short which we are working on producing as we speak, as there is no way to produce the full length at present.

The full feature is over 135 pages long and delves ALOT deeper into the characters, with more focus on them and the protagonist character Tahani and her/ their journey(s). We are also currently tweaking the full length, and as soon as its completed, we will be posting here for feedback..

Thanks again for reading it, the feedback means alot!!! Glad you enjoyed..

P.S. Lexx is a male lol

Lyston & Lexx

Alright...let's a few things out of the way right off the bat. The title page says this is "Final Draft" yet, this is supposedly 17 pages of a longer work. But as I read this, I have a few doubts about this being "final".

• Camera angles (although in another thread you imply you are making this yourselves)
  
  
• Blocks of narrative more than four lines
  
  
• Grammar errors. (while you "may" be making this yourselves, this is still a problem)
  
  
• Tammy and Tahani. I bolded parts of the names for a reason. Two characters whose names sound alike and share scenes together.
  
  
• Once characters are capped on intro you don't need to CAP them again, especially in dialog. Drop your italics, too, while you're at it.
  
  
• Turning off the more's and continueds reduces clutter.
  
  
• CUT TOs are generally used for padding. Once or twice isn't that big of a deal, but this IS only 17 pages. You don't need them.
  
  
  

But then I get here on p9:

Quoted Text SLOW MOTION CLOSEUP: SAM�S HANDS NO LONGER IN WATER, AS SHE BRINGS HER HANDS TO HER FACE, RINSING IT OFF. INSTEAD OF WATER SPLASHING HER FACE, IT APPEARS AS MUSHY FOOD.

Now, aside from the direction, read that awkward passage very carefully. Would you believe your visual calls for something a lot shorter than that, and without the use of CAPS? Read something like this:

Sam rinses off her face. Beads of water look like applesauce.


Also, fix the caps problem on p12+. And..I'll be honest with you here. I quit reading after that. I'm also not interested in what comes after, because if that sort of thing is what, as a reader, I have to look forward to? I'm already confused with all the Demon name calling (all in CAPS), and I'm not exactly sure what this is about. Since you chopped it from the main story, was it really needed?

So what did it for me?

Tahani & Icarus.

Would it really kill someone to write the word 'and'?

Hey Darren,

Thanks for taking the time to read over the script & give some feedback..

This short is entirely different from the full length, we have just taken elements from the full length to make a short that covers the main themes explored in the feature. This is just to get an idea of Okora and its back story.. As it is a complex story and delves into alot of 'deep' subjects..



Right to address some of your points..

The more and contd's - have been chopped. Completely understand why you mentioned this and seeing it now looks a lot more streamlined.. - The same goes for the CAPS and the CUT TO's.. They are now gone!

Not sure why you say the block of narrative longer than 4 lines.. I'm sure you can tell that the short is very visual and the descriptions are well needed to generate atmosphere and a certain mood. So would like some elaboration on this?

The CAPS on page 12 are to show a sequence which differs from the 'present' time, so is it entirely necessary to remove? Or can this be achieved without using the CAPS??

As for your lack of understanding for the plot, do you say this ONLY because of the format or do you imply that its confusing as a whole? Which is the point of the story, hopefully making the reader read on...

Also although i can see why you may have stopped reading, its integral to the plot that you read on to the last scene as it ties everything together, concluding the story. We wanted the audience to feel as if they were on a journey with the seven characters and share their confusion all until the last scene...

Hopefully once we have tweaked the script you will find it easier to read ... Should you want to.. lol :S


Thanks for the feedback again its really appreciated! ANY feedback is GOOD feedback..

Quoted from lexxjames Not sure why you say the block of narrative longer than 4 lines.. I'm sure you can tell that the short is very visual and the descriptions are well needed to generate atmosphere and a certain mood. So would like some elaboration on this? The CAPS on page 12 are to show a sequence which differs from the 'present' time, so is it entirely necessary to remove? Or can this be achieved without using the CAPS?? As for your lack of understanding for the plot, do you say this ONLY because of the format or do you imply that its confusing as a whole? Which is the point of the story, hopefully making the reader read on...

- While there are lines which are four line or less, on occasion there are more than five. Added to the fact that it is confusing in knowing who's who and the characters and thier alter selves being CAPPED throughout actually makes a person stop reading. It might gain a little interest, but not by much. When I saw the & in place of an actual word, that pet peeve of mine (symbols for words) will crawl under my skin every time. I'll excuse amps only if it is the name of a brand or company (like M & M's) but not in that case.

As for the CAMERA DIRECTIONS IN ALL CAPS TO SHOW AN ALTERNATE REALITY
You could be more consise with the prose. And yes, it shouldn't all be in caps.
Just show me what you want to show, many people write stories with fantasy or supernatual elements. You can draw people in just the same without looking like a Wanted poster.

Throw in an INSERT if you really have to, but I did find your short near unreadable.
By the way, if your intent was to "confuse", you did, in fact, succeed. Now here's a question. If the full length script is much better, polished/better than this...what is the point of this? It's something you and your writing partner chose to chop out for a reason.

Hey Darren,

I think you have misunderstood what we are doing here. We haven't chopped anything out of the full length, we have wrote an entirely original short to stand alongside the full feature. We have done this as the short is realistic enough to produce at this time.

We completely understand what you mean by the CAPS and such, and have made the necessary changes.

In regards to the plot, we understand that you are confused, but you haven't read the last 4 pages? So surely your left confused.. It's like reading half of the Matrix, you will never fully understand it all without reading it all. Some have shown a THOROUGH understanding of the script because they have read all of it. Fair enough, you could not grasp the story because of the mistakes BUT I find your critique rather dismissive although helpful at the same time.

Perhaps you would be more interested in reading a revised version?

New draft is available now, this one reads A LOT better now..

Check it out and leave your thoughts guys.. All feedback appreciated and welcomed.. And will be returned!