Unholy Swap by Rutger Oosterhoff (vancety) - Short, Black Comedy - Kate Bush must judge a contest between God and Satan to end their unholy quarrel ones and for all. 18 pages - pdf, format

Hey Rutger,

It's been interesting corresponding with you about Serial Twins.
So, I thought I'd look through your script.
I'm not one to ding folks over format too much, mostly story and characters.

I'm not going to dwell on the language difficulties, but they are present.
The character intros for the first page and a half read awkward.
It feels more like a cast of characters on a stage, than a screenplay opener.

The prevalent underlining of dialogue isn't making the read any better.
Using that technique often robs of it any effect it might have on the page.

The story is pretty out there and incoherent at times.
Satire is tricky, there were lines here and there that were chuckle worthy.

Overall though your descriptions made the script hard to follow.
This felt more like a skit, than a script.
Typically, those are around five to eight pages, not eighteen.

If you love the craft of screenwriting, SS is a great resource.
Contributing members will help you, if you participate here.
Read, review, rewrite.

Best of luck. Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Brett,

Thanks for reading my script. I'll keep practicing my writing and will continue to read other scripts. In the first place I wrote this for myself. Just because the idea popt into my head. Then I sought if I judge other scripts I must also have the guts to put some writing of my own on the board. So I did.

The underlining is an interesting point. I did that for emphasis. But obviously it does not work. I guess words must speak for themselves.

Contact you when I find a co-producer for ST.

Regards,

Rutger

Is English your second language? If so, I suggest you write in your native language (German?) and submit that, with a disclaimer. It's worked for previous non-English speaking writers. A Spanish-language drama script, for example, has full pages of reviews here on simplyscripts.

Your first slugline reads: "EXT. EARTH - SOUTHERN HEMISPHERE - MT PURGATORY - DAY"
At first I thought you intended this to be a "zoomed out" view of Earth from space, but then you introduce a terraced mountain into the description, which begs the question: what were you trying to accomplish with "southern hemisphere" or "earth" in the slug? If locations that broad are important to plot, bring them up in exposition.

As this first scene continues, your writing gets slightly better and I enjoyed the imagery of the ascending "sins" of hell. I won't go into format issues, although you have many.

The conversation between Satan and God is awkward and it didn't work. Examplifying this perfectly is this exchange from God: "

GOD
(punching Satan in the face)
Does this feel like a kid."

Wow.

- "jing-jang" - What?
- "ones and fore all" should be "once and for all"
- Too much underlining, and some of the emphasis doesn't even make sense.

Okay so, some of this script was quite amusing (Mother Theresa cursing, Hitler doing something (?)) but your language made it difficult to decipher exactly what was happening, and I really didn't want to have to re-read several times.

The competitiveness between God and Satan is amusing, too, but like I said the conversations are awkward and strange.

The ending was nice, too, but all the aforementioned language issues really, really, detracted from my enjoyment. Please, write this in a language you are articulate in; you will find readers. Not everything has to be in English.

I liked  reading this, but it could be better.

Hey AlsoBen,

Thanks for the feedback.

And yes obviously I'm not a native. I'm Dutch. Probably next time I should write in my own colourless language.

Okay let's talk about my story/writing.

(1) The slugline.

I was trying to explain that the MT Purgatory lies in the Southern Hemisphere of earth. That's in Dante’s comedy. Not everybody has read Dante’s "Divine Comedy".

"Purgatorio (Italian for "Purgatory") is the second part of Dante's Divine Comedy, following the Inferno, and preceding the Paradiso. The poem was written in the early 14th century. It is an allegory telling of the climb of Dante up the Mount of Purgatory, guided by the Roman poet Virgil. In the poem, Purgatory is depicted as a mountain in the Southern Hemisphere, consisting of a bottom section (Ante-Purgatory), seven levels of suffering and spiritual growth (associated with the seven deadly sins), and finally the Earthly Paradise at the top. " - wikipedia

Maybe a better slugline is EXT. MT PURGATORY - DAY
And then - if necessary - explain precisely where this mountain lies.

I’m using The Hollywood Standard for correct formatting. But maybe I’m not applying the rules in the correct way. Can you give me two other format issues please?

(2) “The conversation between Satan and God is awkward and it didn't work.”

You're right - the hole -fighting part + dialog- between God and Satan does not work. Hindsight it's just plain childish. Not the way to put some action into a script. Wrong move!!

The rest of the/their conversation should be awkward and strange. It's comedy. Not real life.

In this story God is to soft. Satan is just Satan. Manipulative. Tricky. Satan thinks that God is a loser.

Dialog should serve the plot. I think that you’re real question is: what’s the theme/plot/hook and does dialog serve it.

I myself figured -theme/plot/hook- out while writing. Probably to late.

Logline.

Kate Bush  must judge a contest between God and the Devil to end their unholy quarrel ones and for all.

Theme:
Can Kate Bush judge supreme and thereby buy herself a ticket back home.
Subtheme:  can mankind be saved?

Hook:
If the Devil wins the contest mankind can’t be saved. And Kate for sure will not go home!

The “testing”of mankind means: if God in Hell can cure the worlds meanest badass and the Devil in Heaven can corrupt the worlds holiest angel, there’s still hope for mankind.
.....
Probably I should have kept the H joke out. What was I thinking? I just could not find a bigger monster.
.....
Again - thanks for taking the time to read this short.

Regards,

Rutger

hey Rutger,

welcome to the forums. you've been responding to feedback, so i figured I'd take a look. plus the logline was so bizarre that i felt compelled to read it.

right off the bat, remember that screenplays are about showing, not telling. the first page is hard to picture because it doesnt give the reader much descriptors. show us. dont tell us.

i honestly felt as though this were two separate scripts combined into one. not sure why it felt disjointed. it just did. the first half doesnt seem to fit with the second (and im still trying to put my finger on it). the majority of your script was VERY hard to follow.

the dialogue seemed to drag on. for a satire, it wasnt very poignant.

my advice? add more descriptors, shorten it, and focus your screenplay. hone in on what you want to satirize. perhaps your target is too broad considering you're poking fun of god, satan, kate bush, and purgatory. if i were you, id just focus on purgatory.

good luck and keep writing

Howdy Jaws,

You're probably right. I have the habit of making things to complicated.

I shall try to shorten the script and focus on purgatory.

Regards Rutger