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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Godzilla 2012 Moderators: bert
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  Author    Godzilla 2012  (currently 3057 views)
Don
Posted: August 25th, 2011, 6:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Godzilla 2012 by Jon Paulo (gmanp) - Sci Fi, Fantasy - A reboot of the iconic radioactive reptile. 164 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  September 2nd, 2011, 6:41pm
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gmanp
Posted: September 28th, 2011, 10:29pm Report to Moderator
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As the writer of this screenplay I have a question. Why is this in the comedy forum? Should this not be posted in the science fiction thread?
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Don
Posted: September 28th, 2011, 10:43pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Quoted from gmanp
As the writer of this screenplay I have a question. Why is this in the comedy forum? Should this not be posted in the science fiction thread?


As webmaster of this site, the answer is, sometimes I make mistakes.  I've moved it to to the Sci Fi thread.

Don


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jwent6688
Posted: September 28th, 2011, 10:58pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from gmanp
As the writer of this screenplay I have a question. Why is this in the comedy forum? Should this not be posted in the science fiction thread?


Not only is this posted in Word, which will net you zero reads, The writing itself is bad. You seemed to take a bit of time to learn the format, so I'll try to point out what I'm talking about...


Quoted from FROM GODZILLA
We meet Dr. Hammond an older man with silver hair , beard and glasses in a white lab coat he is seen behind a table with beakers and lab equipment. He's holding a test tube and lightly shaking it while peering inside.


Lose the "We's" whenever possible. Cut down on it. Short and fast. Lemme try your opening action prose...

DR. HAMMOND, 72, shakes a test tube inside of a pristine laboratory. He studies its contents by holding it up against a light.

Good luck, read and learn. Nobody here will get through this script with your current writing style. Get CELTX if you can't afford screenwriting software. It's free...

James



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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 28th, 2011, 11:01pm Report to Moderator
Of The Ancients


What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from Don


As webmaster of this site, the answer is, sometimes I make mistakes.  I've moved it to to the Sci Fi thread.

Don


Don makes mistakes???!!!!

My world has been shattered.  

I'm going to have to try and have a look at this one with 160 odd pages from Godzilla.

This could be very interesting:

Moments Later:

Sandra did indeed have a gander.

I'm sure that you put a lot of work into this; so don't get the wrong impression when I start with all the stupid critique stuff...

Ah don't worry. I'm not going to go into detail.

I'll just start with say for instance, using the present continuous verb form. I mean:

He is hiking.

He is dancing.

He is singing.

Just write: He hikes. He dances. He sings.

**Note that sometimes, I'll inject a "breaking of the rules" because I want to really enforce the fact that there's this continuity and repetition of action. But know, that I know the rule and I know when I'm breaking it, specifically on purpose...

Kind of like if there were some big grand law that said you couldn't cross this mystical 7th avenue; so nobody crosses 7th avenue, but then...

I happen to be walking one day and a kid starts choking on a hot dog on the other side of mystical 7th avenue. Well, you know, I'm going to break the law and do everything in my power to save the child.

The point of the story is to let you know that I and no one here is going to be picky for no good reason. We're all learning here and at various levels of development.

I'll try and look more at your script tomorrow.

Thank you for your work. I still love Godzilla.  

Sandra






A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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dogglebe
Posted: September 29th, 2011, 7:51am Report to Moderator
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Jon, I started reading this and I stopped after only a few pages.  Problems started at the very first header:


Quoted Text
EXT. INT LAB —  


In a header, EXT. tells us that the scene is an external one.  Then you say that it's internal (in a lab).  When you start a script like this, you're telling people that you don't understand proper formatting.  I strongly recommend that you read some scripts here, and maybe get a book on formatting.


Break up your description.  No one wants to read a long paragraph of anything in a script.


Quoted Text
Hammond exits the room to a long hallway. There are many people in lab coats walking back and forth along the hall. Dr. Hammond looks at his watch then glances down the hall waiting for the control room door to open. There is suddenly a loud explosion. The hall shakes violently and the lights start to flicker. smoke can be seen at the far end of the hall billowing towards the Dr. People panic and start running down the hall. The control room door swings open and Leonard stumbles out coughing, smoke follows him out.


is better off as:


Quoted Text
Hammond exits the room to a long hallway. There are many people in lab coats walking back and forth along the hall. Dr. Hammond looks at his watch then glances down the hall waiting for the control room door to open.

There is suddenly a loud explosion!

The hall shakes violently and the lights start to flicker. smoke can be seen at the far end of the hall billowing towards the Dr. People panic and start running down the hall.

The control room door swings open and Leonard stumbles out coughing, smoke follows him out.


Give different visuals and events their own paragraphs and limit them to three lines.


As others said earlier, never use the phrase we see in a script as we are not there.  Also, using progressive verbs (verbs ending in ing should be avoided as much as possible.

The entire lab scene was very unrealistic to me.  It read like a 1950's comic book.  Why did Doctor Hammond put on a mask after he left his lab to do his experiment and then take it off when he re-entered?  If he were to wear a mask, wouldn't he do it in the lab where the dangers are?

The entire lab scene was underwhelming to me.  You open up with a doctor mixing some stuff together and then saying, "Let's do lunch."  It's corny and it says that you don't have a grasp on scientific research.

What I've read comes off as if it was written by a very young person.  That's not necessarily a bad thing, but you have the responsibility of keeping us engaged with your script from the very first scene.  

Hope this helps.


Phil
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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: September 29th, 2011, 11:06am Report to Moderator
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What if the Hokey Pokey, IS what it's all about?

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Quoted from dogglebe


Break up your description.  No one wants to read a long paragraph of anything in a script.

Give different visuals and events their own paragraphs and limit them to three lines.

Phil


This is really good advice. Obviously, there are some exceptions, like when Sandra writes to The Board of Governors of Administration of Directors of Snazzy Pumpernickel Bread Writing Association and gets special permission.

But that's a whole lot of work and those dudes get all uppity and sometimes they don't even want to send free coupons or anything. Can't stand it sometimes-- so it's just better to follow Phil's advice.  

BTW,

Don't do this on your first page.

All rights reserved. This screenplay may not be copied,sold, or used for any purpose of monetary gain without the express permission of the author and Toho studios. Godzilla is a registered trademark of Toho studios.

The Pumpernickel Bread guys sometimes put you on a mailing list when you do, and you'll never get off.

G-d bless and I really hope to see you working on the boards.

Sandra






A known mistake is better than an unknown truth.
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gmanp
Posted: September 30th, 2011, 7:06am Report to Moderator
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Don, Thank you for the move. Seems like I'm getting more attention here. I appreciate that.
James, Sandra, and Phil. I thank you all for the critique. This is literally the first script I have ever written. And I am still learning. Your comments will help me grow and know what I need to work on.
Also to Phil. I do understand about the EXT, INT. This was a glitch when I tried to get the script into a PDF format. It did it to every line and I had to go in and manually delete them. I guess I missed a few. I am not very computer literate and still have to learn different programs and how to convert things.
Hoping I learn more as I work on the sequel, but the advice I have gotten so far, tells me I need to go back and fix what I have first.
I thank you all again. And I know it might be tough for you all to get through it, but please let me know what you think of the actual story itself.
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dogglebe
Posted: September 30th, 2011, 8:00am Report to Moderator
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Hold off working on your sequel.  Rework this this script first.

Reading scripts helps you get reads of your scripts.


Phil
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gmanp
Posted: September 30th, 2011, 10:19pm Report to Moderator
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Reading and rewriting. Thank you for the tips. Should have a rewrite done by next weekend.
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dogglebe
Posted: September 30th, 2011, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
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Be sure to leave comments on the other script threads... and be sure to cut about fifty pages off this script.  It's too long.


Phil
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jwent6688
Posted: September 30th, 2011, 10:57pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from gmanp
Reading and rewriting. Thank you for the tips. Should have a rewrite done by next weekend.


Based on your writing you're nowhere ready to do a rewrite on that. My recommendation is to write some shorts. Comment on some scripts here. Be humble, yet defend your points.

I'm not going to read your rewrite passed page one if you don't do what Phil said. Your only three posts on this board are on you're own script. You're not being mean in any way....

It takes me at least 3 hrs to read and review a NORMAL size feature. You're out of your friggin mind if you think I or anyone else here is gonna get through it. Even if you have the greatest story since sliced bread, you dunno how to write it in this fashion yet.

And yes, we're all whores for reads. Accolades and bashes the like. Put in some reads. Write a coupla of shorts to show peeps you have some talent. then drop your feature.

James



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