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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Rubbed Out Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: August 27th, 2011, 8:43am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Rubbed Out by Barry Katz - Short - A slovenly ex-mobster gets more than he bargains for during a complimentary sensual massage. 12 pages - pdf, format


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jackx
Posted: August 27th, 2011, 10:40pm Report to Moderator
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Why does she snip off a piece of her hair?

I read this last time you had it up I think.  I'm down with the overall concept, but think the middle execution is too goofy.  I think having an exotic masseuse/dominatrix is cool, but once she has the gun and syringe that's just a little too unbelievable.  You could make the same point just with cuffs and rope, and actually stay believable.  That whole play back and forth was a bit forced.  Other that that I liked the ending, and all the writing was good


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Barry_Katz
Posted: August 29th, 2011, 7:30pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Jackx,

Thanks for the read and review... much appreciated!  Yeah... this is a rewrite of a prior draft that was on the site quite some time ago.

I rewrote the script after meeting with a director here in Los Angeles who was interested in producing the film, but scheduling difficulties and a failure to wrangle up a suitable producer brought the project to a screeching halt.

To answer your question, she snips off a piece of her hair for two reasons:

#1)  I wanted the audience to truly believe she was psycho.  Snipping off a piece of hair is questionable behavior, and "questionable" is exactly how I wanted to portray her.

#2)  She actually goes through quite a transformation in the bathroom, and although we only see her snip off one piece of hair, she emerges with an entire makeover, so one can only assume she did a bit more than just one snip.  I wanted to leave something to the imagination of the reader / viewer.

Thanks again for your input!


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13thChamber
Posted: September 1st, 2011, 6:41am Report to Moderator
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I liked this one myself. Somethings at first were kind of confusing and left me wondering. Like jackx mentioned, the hair thing, the gun (I know, it wasn't loaded), and the syringe (of which I don't know what was in it considering this movie played out quickly). But, I understand that the lady was a red herring to throw people off, and you did a great job with that, but I didn't think the gun is necessary. This is just my opinion, I'm no expert. Overall I liked it, and would probably like it even more if I saw it. Hope you get it produced man, good luck to you.  


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darrentomalin
Posted: September 2nd, 2011, 10:56pm Report to Moderator
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I'm new so do not have much advanced advice or critique other than what I know.
I loved the story and Rhonda, she was really well written and quirky. I got her little quirks and nuances - she hears something, takes aim in the mirror, takes a deep breath - lovely touches.
Your descriptions are fantastic and really put me in the scene.
Just a couple of questions/observations (for what it's worth):

(SPOILERS)

He has a dead body in his lounge. Would he answer the door while getting to the bottom of things?
The mobster on the doorstep with one hand under his jacket. I think Lenny (already paranoid) would have perhaps acted in a way other than greet the stranger?
The 669/66 Lookout Lane address. Was Lenny the intended target? He is a mobster who owes Dominic. Quite a coincidence if the twist is that the assassin has the wrong address.

Great screenplay. Needs a prequel with more Rhonda!


http://darrentomalin.webs.com/index.htm

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spencerforhire
Posted: September 28th, 2011, 11:39pm Report to Moderator
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Write NOW! Perfect LATER!

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Barry


I enjoyed you concept. It was twisty and quirky. I believe the script could still use one more rewrite, but thatís me.

Also, I felt that you overwrote in some cases. Overall, a winning idea. Would love to read one more rewrite of this script.

Spencer


I got nothing.  
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Andrew
Posted: September 29th, 2011, 5:13am Report to Moderator
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This is great fun. You got a couple of real belly laughs from me. The pacing is spot on. What you've done very successfully is handle the fine balance between comedy and some kind of hybrid drama/horror. That's difficult but I think you did it. To carry some of the post kill dialogue, you need to have set a believable tone, which you have done, IMO. The ending is fitting and funny.

Have to say I'm not surprised there's interest in getting this shot. It could be made into something very quirky and cool.


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albinopenguin
Posted: September 29th, 2011, 12:56pm Report to Moderator
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I got dipping sticks.

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when i first read the logline, i was reminded of the chuck palahniuk story entitled "Footwork." Check it out. I think you'll really dig it.

overall, this one was really well written. very entertaining and quite enjoyable. it flowed nicely too.

the ending was okay for me. definitely saw it coming. i would also remove the bit where rhonda tells lenny to "shut the fuck up" simply because lenny doesnt reply. he's a mobster. he's going to retort in some fashion.

overall, nicely done.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: September 29th, 2011, 1:44pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Tom,

Had a quick read and agree with the others this has a nice pace and feel to it.

Like others I was left with a few questions

SPOILERS

I wasn't sure why she turns up as one thing and becomes another? Most in that trade don't seem to hide it and that was the purpose of her visit. Maybe it was to confuse the image so we didn't know, but if she was dressed up, and then produced the equipment, surely the same affect would apply?

I didn't get the end although I have a feeling for what was the intention, just not that clear.

Otherwise it was fun and all the best with this. Cheers RD


My scripts †HERE

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Nomad
Posted: September 29th, 2011, 3:02pm Report to Moderator
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It had a good pace and was well written for the most part.  

It took a wrong turn toward the end and it just didn't seem to make sense.  Was it bad luck that had a hitman come and shoot him at the end?  It seemed rushed.


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Barry_Katz
Posted: October 13th, 2011, 8:02pm Report to Moderator
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Wow!  I'm glad to see the overall enjoyment of the script!  It all began in MoviePoet.com's contest "Deadly is the Female," and has undergone a multitude of rewrites since.

Update:

I'm pleased to announce that "Rubbed Out" has been picked up by a talented film student and is slated for production within the coming weeks.  He has already cast the role of "Rhonda," and I'm very pleased with his selection.  Will keep you all posted.  Thanks so much for the support!


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Timoff
Posted: December 2nd, 2011, 4:48am Report to Moderator
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Barry_Katz, great story - I enjoyed it. A lot of what I like in the movies - cold irony, precise detail, crazy twists.

Good luck with this being filmed.


Takes More Than Combat Gear To Make A Man... © Sting

Responsible Man, short, action|drama
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CoopBazinga
Posted: December 2nd, 2011, 12:12pm Report to Moderator
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A well paced, nicely written piece.  You are a skilled writer, some of the descriptions were fantastic.

I really liked Rhonda, she was a good well written character so it was a shame what happened to her.

The ending?  Didn't work for me I'm afraid.  Good luck with getting this produced.

Steve
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