Café Awesome by Simon - Series, Drama - First webisode of a transmedia project. - pdf, format

Are you going to shoot this?

The reason I ask is that I'll save my breath on your writing if you are.

The story is interesting and I want to know what happens to Katy.

my hope is to have it turned into a web series. this is the first of ten parts.

Hi Simon

Just a few points...
You need to go over your grammar and some mis-spelling....EXT. RICY`s House and look for YOU father, and few others.

Katy COMES here Katy COMES there, it would be good for a porno, but as a description, I think a simple `ENTERS`...would be suffice plus it makes more sense.
When Katy is in the house, you dont need a full slug every time she is in another room.. Just a mini slug ... BEDROOM or KITCHEN.

One Slug stated  INT. RICKEY`s HOUSE - KATY`S BEDROOM- NIGHT, then you wrote the same thing when Katy sat up on bed a few lines later... If she hasn`t moved anywhere there is no need for another slug.

KATY 17, RICKEY 45, FRANCESCA 51, is that all there is to their description? we know nothing about them, what type of character? how they act?.

Francesca sits up at the table with a large cup of coffee, out in front of her.... You dont need `out in front of her`  we know she has a cup and it`s likely to be in front of her.

And lastly Katy seems all to welcoming to her Aunt, who never turned up to her mother`s funeral and held a gripe for all these years... One minute she`s in the kitchen the next she is going to her cafe to work for her..

Please dont think im some kind of ass... these are just honest opinons and you can take them or not...
I did the same thing many times over and probably still doing it.. This is what re-writes or for and especially this website..

please feel free to give me feedback on my own tv pilot  Loserville
thanks and good luck and dont give up