Where There's Smoke by Cindy L. Keller - Short, Comedy - A middle-aged woman takes matters into her own hands when her husband refuses to go outside to smoke. 8 pages - pdf, format

I think the word that most applies here is "meh".  It's not terrible, the writing isn't awful, there are some humorous moments, but for the most part, it's definitely a meh for me.

It's extremely repetitive and the repetition doesn't seem to serve much of a purpose.

It's dull, based on the cliche story and repetition.

Obviously not to be taken seriously, it goes over the top for me, but some may find it funny.

I don't like the asides and I despise the cliche descriptions (freight train, cat, etc).

The constant time being shown was also a turnoff for me.

For some odd reason, I felt like this was taking place back in the 50's or 60's.  It did not have a realistic feel to it...even in it's obvious comedic tone.

I don't know...that's about it.  Definitely not the worst, but completely and totally forgettable in a few minutes.

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.

OWC rules respected:

Yes. The house serves as one location.

Originality:

The script sufferes from a big number of repetitions. There's one big joke the story is supposed to reveolve around, but that doesn't work too well, sorry.

Structure:

No real flaws, but the descriptions of what happens are way too long. Never write about a persons intentions!

Overall impression:

Avarage. The concept itself wasn't too interesting to me, I have to admit.

Not much to say. Well written, natural dialogue. A little bit cute, but not much more entertaining than watching my parents play cards and argue. I think the writer is gifted at capturing something that seems real and almost believable, but some other element needs to be added here to capture our interest. I'm not sure what.

The setup for this was to have a smoker and nonsmoker square off in one room until resolved.

Nice job of creating conflicts but the script meandered a bit. The girls at the end seemed like a last minute way to close the story down.

What the story needs is tension. Concentrate on the character’s reactions. A ticking clock is best at one or two minutes left, not eight. Like an over the top duel.

A few thoughts;

# the idea of duel between smoker and non, appeals to me
# I appreciate it was not serious but I just didn't buy into the way it developed - garden hose at the end?
# it struck me that could be shortened and achieve the same outcome, maybe better
# kids at the end didn't do anything for me - as said before it was a duel

Good idea. Well kept together but perhaps lacking tension for me.

Well done for entering.

This one was definitly well written, the writer here knows their stuff, the problem for me is that it felt like a bit of an anti smoking add, and I  despise anything anti smoking, I love to smoke and can't stand those anti smoking adds on tv, or when you get these nut jobs telling you all the facts about smoke, it's the only thing that really pisses me off anymore. since this was a comedy I gave it a pass cause it wasn't to be taken seriously. I was on John's side the whole time, I was hoping he would shove the cigaretes into Louise's mouth, that would have worked better for me. this does fit the challenge very well and it is well written. Good job on finishing the OWC.

Quoted Text "Louise comes back with two glasses of soda and a bowl of potato chips"

If you said it was an open bag, I would have thought nothing of it, as she could tuck the bag under her arm. Or, you can show me a dinner tray. But as written, poor Louise has sprouted a third arm.

Quoted Text 4. LOUISE I'll bet you a hundred dollars that you can't leave those cigarettes alone for one hour. John looks at the clock. So does Louise. LOUISE It's seven fifty.

Wrong. I might let it slide if Louise said twenty after seven, but not ten to eight. The previous page said the clock read 7:15. You would have to either put in another LATER or give us a quick "series of shots" or attempt to write some visual about the clock going fast, or something like that. Right now it reads like a goof to me.

As for the writing itself, I generally agree with most of what is said up there, but with some exceptions.

- If this were filmed as an anti-smoking ("truth") PSA I would have no problem with it. Some PSAs can be entertaining, informative and have a maximum effect in presentation. Granted, such PSAs only last about a minute or two, but I don't have an issue with it if you aimed for an anti-smoking angle.

I personally thought it was a battle of wills. John with his smoking (and wasting of cigarettes) Louise loves her crisy cruncher chips and they are loud. Maybe she munches with her mouth open. I didn't quite see that, and something equally annoying which I didn't see...if she would have sucked the fat of the chips. (Call it food for thought)...

This wasn't half-bad for a OWC- but I was getting a bit weary reading 'watches', 'looks' and 'gawks'.


DjS


++++SPOLIERAGE++++

Question: why do Louise and John turn the hose on the girls? It was their daughter's friend (SHORT GIRL) who called them "old folks" while the "TALL GIRL" (who should be given a name) is simply kidding around.

**********************

This was absolutely adorable. One line, not meant to be funny, had me smiling especially because I was reading it differently and I had to smack myself in the head.   This one:

>He reaches over and crushes his butt out in the ashtray.

Really nice job.

Sandra

An adorable story that adheres to the OWC rules.
A bit slow on the start, but a solid finish.
I wish it had started being less repetitious sooner.
It took things in a direction I didn’t expect. Kudos.
It’s hard to make a logical comedic turn work mid-script.
I had no problem believing these two were a real couple.

Regards,
E.D.

I know what it's like to smoke and I know what it's like to quit after smoking 33 years.

I've seen filmed shorts that have had a lot of repitition in them to either change the outcome or to up the ante.

These two seem to try and outdo each other in order to get their own way in what could be like a Three's Company kind of sitcom, set in the early 70s.

I get the clock as a way to show passage of time while being set in one location. It didn't bother me.

Good job on the OWC.

Cindy

This didn't do anything at all for me. I didn't find this funny, and it seemed rather, I don't know, juvenile to me. Especially the end, which was like something out of an unfunny sitcom.

(I wonder if the writer thought they had to have four characters, because really there seemed little purpose to introducing the girls)

Beyond that, I can't add anything to what has been said above.

Okay

Pretty well writen as far as I can tell.

The story is cute, some folks, (maybe a lot) will find it funny.

I would watch it. Then if it came on again would quickly flip to something else.

Good job on getting it done.

I thought it was a cute read.  It went on a little longer than it should've, IMHO.  Through out the story, Louise kept escalating the 'battle.' John wasn't doing much until the end.  You should've had him do more.  Or, even, cut back on Louise's actions.  This would also shorten the script, which wouldn't be too bad a thing to do.

Their characters seemed nicely defined.  They had their own voices, which was nice.

The girls at the end were just enders to the scene.  I didn't think they were needed to wrap things up.

Nice read.


Phil

This is was very cute...really enjoyed it.  It went on a *touch* too long - though a trim of the description/visuals would take care of a lot of that.

But a sweet little script. And very definitely low budget and within the boundaries (and spirit) of the challenge...  

Oh - and the "Geez Louise" line was a cute little Easter egg.