For Customers Only by Brett Martin (electric dreamer) - Short - A man and a clerk haggle over store policy. 7 pages - pdf, format

Unique. Sorry, I don't have much else to say. The writing worked, no problems there. Managed to build a little tension. Perhaps some humor. Congrats on playing the OWC!

This was predictable. A guy has to go to the restroom and complications follow. I think if urgency would have added a little zip to the story. Not bad though.

This was pretty amusing, I think it sucks that some places dun let you use the washroom, i been stuck in that situation before, i think the dude should have just whipped it out and pissed all over the floor, that might have them change their policy, in fact i recomend anyone do that if denied a restroom , screw these customer only rules, a revolt is needed . the story goes a little overboard at the end but it was a cute story. Good job on this OWC.

Meh...sorry, very poor, week, meaningless, IMO.  Insanely irritating prose with all the Mini Slug items and the like.  Just so bloated with nothingness, I'm, actually kind of pissed. Feel like a total waste of 8 minutes.

Nothing else to say.  Didn't work in any way, totally weak story/skit/whatever it's supposed to be.

Argh...

Congrats on completing an OWC entry.

I quite liked this one. It held together nicely, progressed from a-b-c in a logical way.

The only thing that really struck me was that, when Trent ran away with the gun in his hand, wouldn't the cop have shot him? The cop just seems uninterested, but he had no reason not to know the gun was real.

I'd also say that the penultimate scene was rather confusingly written and I had trouble following it.

But, of the six I have read this morning, this one is the best. Let's say three out of five stars...

Not bad, but I think it could be bumped up for comedy's sake. You have Trent's stomach make a lot of noise so obviously he needs to poop. That of course has been done before, but it works a lot of the time because everyone can identify with that situation of not being near a bathroom. Worked great in Dumb and Dumber. Since Trent is so desperate to go that he tries to fit through the cat door, I think there needs to be a payoff on his bathroom need. Something's has got to happen there. I kept waiting for him to have an "accident". Instead he's just hauled away by the cops.

I agree that the cop needs to act more cop like.  If a cop enters a store during an armed robbery, things get really intense right away.

The writing was fine, but a little too overwritten and descriptive on the first page. Other than that I thought you did a good job. Things escalate out of hand at a good pace. Make it funnier and it will work really well.

This was a cute read.  I think you over-thought it when you wrote it.  There was just too much detail for me.  This would be better if it was shorter.  Still, it was nice.  An old-fashion comedy.


Phil

Read it

Pretty well writen IMO.

The story is okay to me, kind of funny in spots. Nothing blows me away but it works.

Good job on getting it done.

I feel this one meets the one location OWC rules.
All the locations are established in the opening descriptions.
Comedy is very subjective. More so than other genres, I feel.
I’m not a big fan of old school French style slapstick comedy.
Unless, under the influence, which I was when I read it.
I dug the exuberance over innovation you were going for.
Not everything has to redefine a genre, just do it well.
Could use a trim, but I was never lost on the page.

Regards,
E.D.

I would say this script is a bit CORNIE in the least. Thought Sheldon laying down his gun and running out of the store was the weakest part for me. I don't think that would've worked well on film.

I did like the double referance of "For customers only".

Didn't like your use of slugs, so I'm with Jeff here. Wouldn't be surprised if someone wrote this just to piss him off. Lol....

good job completeing an OWC...

James

I thought this one was corney, too, but in a fun corney way.

I think you could amp up his restroom worry. Maybe gas, too?

And like Pia said, I think the poor guy should resolve his problem, but I liked the sign on the bus at the end.

Cute. I liked it.
Congrats on completing the OWC

Cindy

This was really quite nicely done. There's two things I have to say.

1. When he saw the cat relieving himself in the cat box, I thought: THERE!!! There's a place to go at least!

He should have took that opportunity and then create some other kind of confrontation between Sheldon, who comes back (for some reason) and the officer and Carl and that distracts them for a bit.

2. This part:

TRENT Trent Page.
Enzo? Look in the
roadster and see...you’ve got it?
Great. I’ll be right there, ciao.

Really threw me off track.

Otherwise, this was very well done. Lovely title. Lovely comedy!

Sandra

Whilst my first OWC I already appreciate the comedy scripts as they form light relief (excuse the pun).

Yeah needs tiding up and a few elements seemed to weaken it for me, such as the  putting the gun down, the telephone call etc

However, I thought the argument over the use of a toilet has potential for a funny skit.

All the best.

I liked the characters and the dialogue. It got lost towards the end a little there was a few directions I would have prefered to have seen but that is just me.
I hated the formatting of the action with individual headings, they were pointless and stuttered the flow. I imagine you were suggesting shots with them?
Great descriptions. Yeah, pretty good.