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Mischief At Morley House by Pete B. Lane (pete) - Short, Gothic Horror - A secret lurks Ďbout Morley House. A secret that wonít be ignored. But she donít mean no harm - if you donít do no harm. 12 pages, 9 characters, Hard R Rating - pdf, format
Loved the dialogue, great descriptions and accuracy. Not sure "You want to get messy, bitch" fits though. Also, a ghost using a gun? sort of ruined it - much more poetic if she was hung perhaps? Well done.
Again, this oneís got a misunderstood ghost. The title evoked some Hardy boys vibe. This oneís chock full of slap happy chicks. The extended flashback didnít work too well for me. Seems that couldíve been tightened up or told as a story. Refreshing to see the lady get her chocolate freak on. Sensuality has been lacking in most of these gothic tales. It was nice to have a psycho chick, for a change. A reasonably well executed, if familiar tale. Thanks for playing OWC
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This story, though...just didn't do it for me: for a few different reasons.
Margaret comes off as much too cliche - the spoiled, white rich bitch....who just happens to have jungle fever. And her motivation for killing is far too thin. She decides to kill her sister, just because she saw something she shouldn't (and allows Jesse to hang for the crime)? Then she decides to kill Zona, for the same reason. Such motivations just aren't believable. If you were writing this as a satire, that would work. But as a serious horror - it takes away from the impact of the story.
Then there's Margaret's half-nudity scene. Got no problem with nakedness in films. But this one was totally gratuitous...which again made Margaret much too cartoony.
Zona was a good character, that I would like to have seen more of. And the idea of a black man being hung for a crime he didn't commit - that idea's got promise (though I'm sure it's been done). But the cliches in this one held it back from reaching it's potential. With a revamp, it could be very interesting...
Unfortunately, this one descended darned close to torture porn. Which -when written for its own sake - is never, ever a good thing in a script. Or for a writer.
While this script was very neatly written and pretty well formatted, I found the story to lack any substance. The whole forbidden-sex-thing seemed dull and amateurish. The description Zona finds the wet, writhing couple reminded me of a colorful line from the-script-that-must-not-be-named.
Sorry to be so harsh here but, aside for the formatting, this was just not a good script.
Definitely felt more of a period piece than Gothic horror. I really liked the writing in this one, quick to read and the ghost being Lisbeth instead of Jesse actually surprised me. ( Not sure why since Lisbeth was killed in the house but just being honest.) The ending seemed a little rushed and incomplete, which is understandable. I enjoyed it for the most part. Well done.
This one was pretty good, had a nice atmosphere to it, kinda drags for a biy and I thought a ghost holding a gun was kinda silly, broke the mood in a way, but other than that there is some solid writing here. Good work on the OWC.
Yesin' we had some southern dialogue and all those pre-requisites for a black slave show, but I really felt this was very cliche and completely lacking in originality.
There are thousands of scripts flying around like this I'm sure. What have you got here that's original that you are bringing to the table? Why are you even submitting something that is not even attempting to be gothic?
Dialogue was a bit hard for me Margarets first crime seemed to lack adequate motivation Ghost with gun - not sure
Otherwise I enjoyed and thought it could become quite interesting if varied and enriched.
EDIT I went back and re read this one. The writing was better than I remembered and the story flowed well. I thought the story was well structured and easy to follow. I thought the flashback was fine. Yes it told some past story but also showed her character in what she DID, although quite why she does that to her sister may need a little more reason. We saw her actions, the cold nature of her soul, so to me it worked. It's just the end that doesn't do it for me, but with a few changes that could be fixed. Sound work.
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Great writing from an obviously experienced and confident author, the few grammatical errors notwithstanding. A pleasure to read.
The flashback was a poor choice. It serves no purpose but to tell some backstory, pure exposition. If the memory had some impact on the character's arc it would have been appropriate.
The resolution was another poor choice. I'm confused about who the protag is. Logically it should be Zona but the ghost is the one who kills Margaret. It would make more sense if Zona manages to escape or kill Margaret with the ghost's help.
What's really strange is the ghost's sudden decision to kill Margaret. I find it difficult to believe Zona is the first person to give Margaret an excuse to murder again. Her intentions leaped to murder far too quickly for that to be the case and she was prepared for it. So why now? Why didn't the ghost kill her long ago and be done with it?
I like the setting and tone, the dialogue is believable and distinct, even the slave labour and sexual taboos were handled well if a tad clichť, but the shortcomings are big pills to swallow. This has great potential with a major rewrite.
This is another one with a title that makes it sound like a comedy. Itís the word mischief. You might consider changing it.
The way the southern dialogue is written makes it drag a little. I think you went a little overboard with it.
Some of the descriptions are a little awkward.
Would Margaret really call Zona a bitch in this particular era in history?
A ghost that uses a gun? Thatís a new one. Kind of takes the fun out of being a ghost, if you ask me.
Overall, I thought it was a pretty good effort. The story didnít really grab me, I think mostly because Margaret is so unlikeable and Zona isnít really developed. If you flesh out the Zona character more, and even Lisbeth, you could make it into something.