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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    One Week Challenge    October, 2011 One Week Challange  ›  Mischief At Morley House - OWC
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SimplyScripts
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 8:26am Report to Moderator
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Mischief At Morley House by Pete B. Lane (pete) - Short, Gothic Horror - A secret lurks Ďbout Morley House. A secret that wonít be ignored. But she donít mean no harm - if you donít do no harm.  12 pages, 9 characters, Hard R Rating - pdf, format


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SimplyScripts  -  October 29th, 2011, 4:57pm
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darrentomalin
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 2:53pm Report to Moderator
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Loved the dialogue, great descriptions and accuracy.
Not sure "You want to get messy, b****" fits though.
Also, a ghost using a gun? sort of ruined it - much more poetic if she was hung perhaps?
Well done.


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 6:39pm Report to Moderator
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Again, this oneís got a misunderstood ghost.
The title evoked some Hardy boys vibe.
This oneís chock full of slap happy chicks.
The extended flashback didnít work too well for me.
Seems that couldíve been tightened up or told as a story.
Refreshing to see the lady get her chocolate freak on.
Sensuality has been lacking in most of these gothic tales.
It was nice to have a psycho chick, for a change.
A reasonably well executed, if familiar tale.
Thanks for playing OWC

Regards,
E.D.


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Ledbetter
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 7:18pm Report to Moderator
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This one didnít work for me.

Reason being, it wasn't Gothic Horror at all that I could see.

The writing was good but a few times, the southern draw thing actually pulled me from the story because I had to try and figure out what he was saying. Awful lot of characters for a short as well.

Good job on submitting to the OWC.



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wonkavite
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 7:22pm Report to Moderator
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* Spoilers*

Very clean writing - so kudos on that!

This story, though...just didn't do it for me: for a few different reasons.

Margaret comes off as much too cliche - the spoiled, white rich b****....who just happens to have jungle fever.  And her motivation for killing is far too thin.  She decides to kill her sister, just because she saw something she shouldn't (and allows Jesse to hang for the crime)?  Then she decides to kill Zona, for the same reason.  Such motivations just aren't believable.  If you were writing this as a satire, that would work.  But as a serious horror - it takes away from the impact of the story.  

Then there's Margaret's half-nudity scene.  Got no problem with nakedness in films.  But this one was totally gratuitous...which again made Margaret much too cartoony.

Zona was a good character, that I would like to have seen more of.  And the idea of a black man being hung for a crime he didn't commit - that idea's got promise (though I'm sure it's been done).  But the cliches in this one held it back from reaching it's potential.  With a revamp, it could be very interesting...

Unfortunately, this one descended darned close to torture porn.  Which -when written for its own sake - is never, ever a good thing in a script.  Or for a writer.



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wonkavite  -  October 18th, 2011, 7:34pm
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dogglebe
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 10:19pm Report to Moderator
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While this script was very neatly written and pretty well formatted, I found the story to lack any substance.  The whole forbidden-sex-thing seemed dull and amateurish.  The description Zona finds the wet, writhing couple reminded me of a colorful line from the-script-that-must-not-be-named.

Sorry to be so harsh here but, aside for the formatting, this was just not a good script.


Phil


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stevie
Posted: October 15th, 2011, 11:15pm Report to Moderator
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I liked this one up until about the last four pages, when it descended into a sort of soft porn slasher flick!

Before that I thought the period was evoked nicely, and the premise was done well. I think the basis of Gothic horror is hinting at the violence, without actually showing it explicitly.

If you could re-write it to finish it earlier, it would a tighter story.

Good effort!


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Scoob
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 4:52pm Report to Moderator
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Definitely felt more of a period piece than Gothic horror.
I really liked the writing in this one, quick to read and the ghost being Lisbeth instead of Jesse actually surprised me. ( Not sure why since Lisbeth was killed in the house but just being honest.)
The ending seemed a little rushed and incomplete, which is understandable.
I enjoyed it for the most part. Well done.



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The boy who could fly
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 5:09pm Report to Moderator
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This one was pretty good, had a nice atmosphere to it, kinda drags for a biy and I thought a ghost holding a gun was kinda silly, broke the mood in a way, but other than that there is some solid writing here. Good work on the OWC.


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Sandra Elstree.
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 8:52pm Report to Moderator
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Yesin' we had some southern dialogue and all those pre-requisites for a black slave show, but I really felt this was very cliche and completely lacking in originality.

There are thousands of scripts flying around like this I'm sure. What have you got here that's original that you are bringing to the table? Why are you even submitting something that is not even attempting to be gothic?

Sandra



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Ryan1
Posted: October 16th, 2011, 10:34pm Report to Moderator
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A lot of ideas in this one that never quite come together.  I liked the setting, but I don't think you went for a full Southern gothic yarn.  You set the mood, but the story never found its footing.  

Does a ghost really need to use a gun?  

The "You wanna to get messy, b1tch?"  line seemed out of period.

Margaret was a nasty character that deserved to die, but I wish it happened with more originality.
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: October 17th, 2011, 9:24am Report to Moderator
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Hello ??

Enjoyed the read.

I agree with others that;

Dialogue was a bit hard for me
Margarets first crime seemed to lack adequate motivation
Ghost with gun - not sure

Otherwise I enjoyed and thought it could become quite interesting if varied and enriched.

EDIT I went back and re read this one. The writing was better than I remembered and the story flowed well. I thought the story was well structured and easy to follow. I thought the flashback was fine. Yes it told some past story but also showed her character in what she DID, although quite why she does that to her sister may need a little more reason. We saw her actions, the cold nature of her soul, so to me it worked. It's just the end that doesn't do it for me, but with a few changes that could be fixed. Sound work.

All the best.


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Reef Dreamer  -  October 27th, 2011, 5:43am
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ReneC
Posted: October 18th, 2011, 2:52pm Report to Moderator
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Great writing from an obviously experienced and confident author, the few grammatical errors notwithstanding. A pleasure to read.

The flashback was a poor choice. It serves no purpose but to tell some backstory, pure exposition. If the memory had some impact on the character's arc it would have been appropriate.

The resolution was another poor choice. I'm confused about who the protag is. Logically it should be Zona but the ghost is the one who kills Margaret. It would make more sense if Zona manages to escape or kill Margaret with the ghost's help.

What's really strange is the ghost's sudden decision to kill Margaret. I find it difficult to believe Zona is the first person to give Margaret an excuse to murder again. Her intentions leaped to murder far too quickly for that to be the case and she was prepared for it. So why now? Why didn't the ghost kill her long ago and be done with it?

I like the setting and tone, the dialogue is believable and distinct, even the slave labour and sexual taboos were handled well if a tad clichť, but the shortcomings are big pills to swallow. This has great potential with a major rewrite.


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Dreamscale
Posted: October 18th, 2011, 4:01pm Report to Moderator
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Not bad...not bad at all.

Writing's OK, but there are numeruos mistakes, but compared to the vast majority of these OWC entries, much, much better.

Dialogue didn't really work for me.  I do appreciate the effort to show Southern drawl, but IMO, you went too far with it and missed at other times.

The story is interesting, but too big for a 12 page short, IMO.  Not sure I really see Gothic Horror here, either.

Overall, not a bad effort by any means.


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Breanne Mattson
Posted: October 19th, 2011, 3:08pm Report to Moderator
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This is another one with a title that makes it sound like a comedy. Itís the word mischief. You might consider changing it.

The way the southern dialogue is written makes it drag a little. I think you went a little overboard with it.

Some of the descriptions are a little awkward.

Would Margaret really call Zona a b**** in this particular era in history?

A ghost that uses a gun? Thatís a new one. Kind of takes the fun out of being a ghost, if you ask me.

Overall, I thought it was a pretty good effort. The story didnít really grab me, I think mostly because Margaret is so unlikeable and Zona isnít really developed. If you flesh out the Zona character more, and even Lisbeth, you could make it into something.

Good luck.


Breanne


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