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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Try Overtaking Me Moderators: bert
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  Author    Try Overtaking Me  (currently 731 views)
Don
Posted: October 29th, 2011, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Try Overtaking Me! by Jacob Greenberg - Short, Comedy - Who is faster in a city: an electric scooter for disabled or a modern car? (can be used for car promotion) 8 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  December 21st, 2011, 4:32pm
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Pale Yellow
Posted: November 15th, 2011, 6:27pm Report to Moderator
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I read this one. IMO the dialogue needs so much work. People don't speak like that. Read your dialogue out loud as if you were speaking it.

JOHN
Count to three; one, two,
three. Go!
Here you don't really need to say count to three (not in the dialogue anyway)

Richard walks down the street calmly. (I thought he was on a scooter)

The thought that the guys played a trick on John was 'ok' but there wasn't much of a story here. Keep working on it, cut down the dialogue and give us something to like or hate your characters....some kinda dilemna or something.
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Forgive
Posted: November 15th, 2011, 7:34pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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I's a nice idea, but the dialogue fails - too on the nose.

The story idea works, but you need to 'play with it' more.
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