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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Six Degrees of College Romance Moderators: bert
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  Author    Six Degrees of College Romance  (currently 1113 views)
Don
Posted: November 3rd, 2011, 6:35pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Six Degrees of College Romance by Daniel J. Murphy - Short, Thriller -  College has never been so complicated.  50 pages - pdf, format


Visit SimplyScripts.com for what is new on the site.

-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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Forgive
Posted: November 19th, 2011, 8:44pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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BLACK SCREEN:
RUDY (O.S.)
Don’t move! Don’t fucking move!
TRAVIS (O.S.)
Put the gun down, please.
FADE IN:
A black screen slowly opens on a duel: Two best friends turned enemies over a girl.
1 EXT. THE DUEL -DARK NIGHT
TITLE CARD: PRESENT TIME
A wide shot of Rudy (early 20’s) and Travis (early 20’s) facing each other approximately twenty feet apart. We are in
a dark back corner of campus, with several brick buildings surrounding us in no symmetrical pattern. Rudy has a GUN
aimed at Travis.

Ok. Not too sure about this. Might go for:

ON BLACK:
RUDY (V.O.)
Don’t move! Don’t fucking move!
TRAVIS (V.O.)
Put the gun down.
FADE IN:
EXT. CAMPUS - NIGHT
SUPER: PRESENT TIME
Dark back corner of campus; brick buildings surround. Rudy (21), overweight, and Travis (22), slim geek, face each other. Rudy has a GUN aimed at Travis.
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albinopenguin
Posted: November 21st, 2011, 1:30pm Report to Moderator
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I got dipping sticks.

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didnt get very far into this (namely because youre not a member and i doubt you'll ever reply to our feedback). but here are some tips

ditch the -ing words.

show us dont tell. saying a character is "more deceptive than she looks" tells us nothing.

dialogue is a bit too on the nose.

doesnt matter if this were the best screenplay in the world, at 50 pages, youre damning yourself. 50 pages is way too long for a short but way too short for a feature. decide which one you want this to be and go from there.


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ajr
Posted: November 21st, 2011, 3:33pm Report to Moderator
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Also - and I agree with albinopenguin that you'll probably never read this, but for the benefit of whoever does - your logline is not a logline. It's a tagline. A tagline is something that would go on the movie poster. It's more vague, and much shorter, than a logline, and is designed to grab your attention.

A logline is (preferably) one sentence that tells us about your story. "College has never been so complicated" doesn't really give us a glimpse into your world or tell us why we should read...

AJR


Click HERE to read JOHN LENNON'S HEAVEN https://preview.tinyurl.com/John-Lennon-s-Heaven-110-pgs/
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 21st, 2011, 6:29pm Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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Quoted from ajr


A logline is (preferably) one sentence that tells us about your story. "College has never been so complicated" doesn't really give us a glimpse into your world or tell us why we should read...

AJR


To quote Miss Babz, resident agent emeritus...

NOUN + VERB + IRONY = LOGLINE

This basic formula can hook a stranger into reading your material.

E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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danieljmurphy91
Posted: November 29th, 2011, 7:58pm Report to Moderator
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thanks guys,

I just found out this was online tonight, I have been checking the web site but it hadn't been updated.

If you do read the full script or wish to, I think A. you will understand it better, and B. appreciate it more and C. I really really want feedback on my work.

NO PRESSURE haha

Daniel J. Murphy
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