The Marry by Jon Barton (johnnyboy) - Short, Comedy - A high school kid enlists the help of his best friend and the class 'rock star' to shed his nice guy image. 21 pages - pdf, format

Wow. I didn't think it was actually possible to laugh this loud in a script. This was very well written. I am getting the feeling you are somewhat of a pro at this  

The characters were introduced in a really nice fashion.

For 21 pages, this felt way less.

Only found one mistake. On page 16 you accidentally mix Alyssa and Aaron. "She waits for a reply. Doesn�t get one.
AARON
Please Aaron, help me here.

Nothing major but it was still there.

Mark seemed more of a queer friend than a best friend. It fits the story at the end but it seems like his relationship with Aaron was something else .

Also, Aaron and Mark didn't seem like they would be friends with somebody like Brett. They struck me as being the inbetweeners. Just a small thought though.

Overall, this was great. Definitely the best script I have read this week.

Hey Mohammed, thanks for taking a look, and glad you enjoyed it.

The Aaron / Alyssa mistake did indeed escape my proof-reads (the danger of letting software autocomplete), but that's fixed now. Small point: I didn't see Brett as the duo's friend. They go to him because they think they need him, and they know they can buy his help. Happy you liked the writing (probably my strongest area, TBH) and most importantly that it made you laugh. That was what I was shooting for, after all!

On a side note, just wanted to say it's good to see a new member of the community come in, get their head down and do some serious reading. Seen your name on quite a few threads now and I think your attitude is bang-on; stick with it, and you'll reap the rewards. I've taken a look at the link in your sig (it's actually not fair that you haven't had more attention on it, given the effort you've put in, although a review from Heretic is worth its weight in gold), have made some notes and will post them up tonight when I get in from work.

Thanks again for reading, keep at it and again, glad you enjoyed it.

Hey Jonny,

This comes across as a tight, well crafted, commercial script. Gets a thumbs up from me. I maybe new to all this but this is going to get filmed, big style!

I like the Marry concept and I like the nasty Brett character, works well off the two naive friends.

It's late (when i'm typing this) so i won't give you anything more meaningful but has a sound basis - great urinating line. Liked that one.

Changes? Was the water over the geek too obvious? Maybe. They didn't know about the party but everyone was there, does this work?

Could it need less pages? I think this is what's bothering me most for a simple concept. 21 pages just about a boy after a Girl who doesn't want to be the marry. Question, could this be done in 15?

Tidy writing.

All the best

Jonnyboy,


Definitely got a few chuckles from this. It is a cute story. I think you have a nitch for rom-com and should focus on that. The character development was good. I could tell them apart simply by what they were saying.

Some notes as I went...

I think you need more clarity to what Mark is doing when Aaron walks in. Definitely nothing to be embarassed about tossing off to rachael Mcadams, I think thats what you were shooting for, Just took me a few seconds to get it...

BRETT, 18, struts towards them.
He sports a rock-star look, but manufactured, calculated,
palatable rock-star, more Fall Out Boy than Nirvana. - This is a little bit too much of the author speaking. I dunno what Fall Out Boy looks like, but remember Nirvana. I think you could cut this description down.

BRETT (CONTD.)
Is Tweedle having trouble with the
ladies? - They're both Tweedles according to Brett. I think you should find a way to point this at Aaron.

Loved Brett stuffing the Bieber poster under his shirt.

pg. 10 AARON
Rules. - I think a question mark is due here.

Not a fan of underlining words. I get that you want to give them punch, but I think the actors and director could figure that out for themselves...

Overall, very good show. Definitely to my liking. Keep writing good man...

James

Hey Jon,

Good to see some new pages from you.
Always a pleasure to take look at contributing member's material.

Cute set up with the movie playing in the background.
I wonder if you can get away with using the audio snippet in a production.

I hope he was just crying to the movie.
It would be really sad if he cried after what his friend thought he did!

The Bang, Marry, Kill scenario has a lot of legs.
Archer used it last season as a subplot in a funny episode.

The high school stud goes lollipops for a signed Bieber poster.
Ugh, I am getting so very old.

Cute, speedy read with a nice conclusion.
I didn't get the "Dear John" joke, but I can guess what it was about.

The fake poster business seemed a but unnecessary.
Just a simple "trust me" from Brett accomplishes the same effect.
Then Aaron makes his move into Notebook territory.

Very good read, Jon.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey guys, just wanted to thank you for having a read. This ia actually the first script I've finished this year...was far too slack over the summer. Moving into a new flat on Nov 27th, which will cut my commute down from 2 hours to about 35 minutes so hopefully I'll have far more writing time in the evenings.

Reef: thanks. Getting them produced is always the goal, so fingers crossed you're right. I personally think the fact that Aaron and Mark don't know about the party is okay, but I'll bear that in mind.

You've actually hit the nail on the head with your last comment - this is too long at the moment. It's a shame because I like everything in it; when I went through it to tweak things for the second draft, I trimmed stuff and thought I was cutting it down...only for the PDF to remain at 21 pages. It does need to be 15, and I can see a few things that could possibly go. So yeah, you're right there.

James: A nitch for rom-com?! How dare you pigeon-hole me... Yeah, this style comes pretty easy to me, I just let the fingers type and then go back later and rewrite what came out. I actually see this as something of a companion piece to Colliteral Damage, and it's a style I do enjoy writing in. I'm a big believer in versatility though and nurturing an ability to turn your hand to different things, so I'm not planning to focus on rom-com just yet.

As for the voices: YES. That's exactly what I wanted. When I went through the draft a second time, a big thing I focused on was really bumping up Brett's voice to make sure it was consistent throughout. I think the ultimate test, and one I'd encourage anybody to try, is if you remove the character names you should still be able to tell who's saying what. So thanks for that.

Your notes: ha, no, nothing to be embarrassed about...but still, I personally wouldn't appreciate someone walking in part-way through. I like the Brett description, but I'll see if I get the same feedback from more people. Since I'm looking to cut, perhaps that could be a place to lose a line. The Tweedle point is taken on board, and I've tweaked that.

As for the underlining...I don't know. I'm an obssessive on emphases in lines. To me, they're either right or wrong. I directed a play this summer and I was constantly telling the actors "put the stress on this word, not that word." If you get it wrong the whole line sounds off...I saw What Just Happened? on TV the other day, and the very first line of the film, De Niro's speaking in voiceover, and he gets the stress wrong! I suppose it's a control thing...my rather lame defence is that Sorkin does it in the West Wing pilot script. And he's something of a writing hero of mine, so I'm just emulating him. But I can see how it could be annoying.

Glad you enjoyed it.

Brett: thanks, I always try and take a look at contributing members' stuff too. I've been far too slack with my reading lately, gonna try and rectify that over the weekend.

The audio snippet - good point, would have to see about that. Although that's the filmmaker's problem, not mine... Could always come up with a solution if it was required, some sort of obvious Notebook copy that wasn't the actual film. And yeah, Dear John is another Nicholas Sparks adaptation. I think it had Amanda Seyfried and Channing Tatum. Not seen it...not seen The Notebook, actually! But I thought it made for a funny, borderline non-sequiter last moment.

I used the poster because I needed a device for the guys to recruit Brett's help, and the idea of the school rock star having a secret obsession with the Bieber seemed like an inherently funny idea. Then when I decided the advice would back-fire, I needed a reason for that, too - was Brett just giving bad advice? Did he actually know nothing about getting girls? But if he didn't, why would Aaron and Mark actually go to him in the first place; would it make his appeal impossible to buy as a viewer? So I had the idea of going back to the poster, and using that as the pay-off...I personally think it works, but it also takes a long time, particularly in the last few pages. There's probably another, slightly different solution there...will consider. Thanks for raising it.

Thanks again, guys! Hopefully I'll get some more notes on this, and then I can go back and try and shave off six pages. Which is nearly a third. Sigh...

Hey Jonny,

I' m without a computer for another week so can't write myself, however, I had a quick look back at this and if you don't  mind I think I could suggest a few things to lose to drop the page count,hopefully closer  to 15 as you require.

Will have  a look over the weekend. You don't have to agree but it may be useful.

Hi JB. Just realized this was yours!

Nice quick read with some real funny lines. You've captured the teen angst/culture thing well. Perhaps you could throw in some refs to FB, twitter,etc and pay out some more. I'm assuming this set in the US? Doesn't seem like Newcastle, does it?!!!

Yeah, good writing and I'm glad you're back into it! I had the same slack attack for months but am getting into it now.

One point: haven't seen The Notebook, but I could picture that scene.

Cheers stevie

Very nice script Jon.

Like others have said, you seem to have a natural talent for this kind of light-hearted, US style comedy.

I noticed you wanted to trim it. There was only one place I kind of drifted off and that was the montage scene.

Never really like montage scenes tbh, so may just be me...but it seemed to act as a break in the tension and drama that was building up...you've got him in his big moment, then we drift away for a few shots, before coming back to the story.

Think you could lose the whole thing without  missing anything...but it may well just be me.

Worth expanding into a feature if you have the inclination. A nice, easy film that people would watch and enjoy.

Hi Jon,

Checked this out. Had mixed feelings about it.

The concept is ace so there's nothing fundamentally wrong with the script.

The setup with Mark is quite nice, although I'd consider opening the script with Aaron instead of Mark. That is to say he should be the first person we meet. Mark can still have his moment with The Notebook. I just thought it was strange that you set the story up as such where it seems Mark is the protagonist then veer off with Aaron's plight. It's a fleeting moment of awkwardness, perhaps not worth mentioning, but other than opening the script with Rachel McAdams' V.O., it carries no real dramatic weight or idiosyncratic charm to make a switch like this.

Also, why not have Mark say "You go, Ryan!" as opposed to "You go, Ryan Gosling!" Sounds more natural. Though maybe saying his full name is funnier? It'd depend on the actor.

...I suppose I could go either way on this one.

Also, why not "Fuck, Marry, Kill?" That's what I always thought it was called.

So far, so good...

...then we meet Brett.

Eh. His dialogue is a little over the top. This is a term that gets thrown around here a lot. We live in a post-Machete/Grindhouse age, naturally. However, here, it doesn't work. Brett's dialogue and behavior feels a little too cartoonish for my taste. I mean... literally. Seems like a character out of a show on Teen Nick or something else teen/tween-oriented on Disney or Cartoon Network. Possibly Ed, Edd and Eddie-esque. ...possibly.

The Justin Bieber poster exacerbates the problem. Pop culture gags seem more Disney/Dreamworks fare than anything nowadays, especially Justin Bieber. I'd be surprised if he doesn't get name dropped in Puss in Boots.

The signature softens the blow a little bit. I feel like a guy could fetch a pretty penny on eBay with such a thing. Maybe Brett should mention something along those lines.

Aaron's "costume." ...again, feels like something a Disney/CN exec would siphon into a cartoon. I do like the angle of changing Aaron's look though. I'd just rework in somehow. The hip-hop thing might still work. Just not as is.

The no-eye-contact thing works fine. Great, actually. I like Aaron's snake dance with Alyssa. Very funny.

As for the "coup-de-gras" (or perhaps "coup-sans-gras"), the dumping of drink on girl... I'll let this one slide. The realism is a little iffy but it works dramatically, at least in this case. I would scale back the fervency with which Aaron dumps the drink on Geeky Girl though. Maybe he could half throw it, half pretend to spill it? Seems like something he wouldn't be able to do as deliberately as he might like (or think is necessary, anyway).

BTW, that whole cartoon schtick I was talking about seems to dissipate once we get to the party. Good.

The ending works. I like the full circle with The Notebook reenactment. I'd scale back Alyssa's reaction to Aaron's dick move ever so slightly. I mean, she's known him at least a little while. I imagine his behavior come off more like he's lost his mind than that he's been hiding his jerk true colors this whole time. Especially with the way he's dressed. She must think he's being an absolute clown.

She should still be mad though.

The final bit with Mark and the jock feels mad tacked on. I'd chuck it outright.

So overall, I'll give you a solid premise and, let's say, an inconsistent execution. Hope this review serves you well.

Hi there, new writer myself so havent got much technical know how to offer, seems fine to me!

I loved this, actually would make a great teenhighschoolromcom feature.
For some reason, this was playing out in my head like a big bang theory episode (a very good thing in my opinion) with plenty of funny moments.
The Justin Beiber poster was a nice touch but the signature fake thing didn't ring right for some reason (though Brett as a secret Beiber fan and lovingly describing WHY the signature is a fake was a touch of genius - maybe substitute the poster for gig tickets? maybe not)
The notebook bookends are fantastic.
Needs a little clarity on whether the hose at the end was a hose or a... ahem... "hose" if it is the latter than I think the reaction should be different.

Two changes that I would deffinitely go for (if it was me) are;
the drink thing - maybe have Brett say that calling her a "slut" or other insult is the way to "treat them mean, keep them keen".
Alyssa having more screen time so we actually care more about Aaron and Alyssa's reationship dynamic and pay off.

If you do go back, give me a heads up cos would love to read it again.

Darren

Hey Jonny,

I read this a few days ago and didn't comment.  I guess I wasn't really sure what to say.  I think it's very well-written, and it's light and amusing with a solid structure.  That said, I felt that there was a bit of an inconsistency of tone, based mainly on the script's tendency to swerve into what James describes above as Disney fare, and I think rightly.

There are certain elements that really work as hyperbole -- Aaron snarling at the other boy approaching "his" woman, for instance, I found very funny.  Brett, though, doesn't work for me at all.  He's such an aggressive stereotype that he severely limits the ability of the other characters to be perceived as realistic.  What I mean by this is that in reacting to such a stereotypical character, the other characters seem forced into responses which are also stereotypical.

I think the major unexplored potential in the script is Mark.  James -- again, I think rightly -- points out that it's kind of odd that the story starts with Mark rather than with Aaron.  While it is odd, I thought that it was really interesting, and I was hoping that Mark would be a larger part of things.  Since your story places Brett and Aaron, and their interactions, into fairly well-tread territory, I would think that Mark is the opportunity to introduce unexpected and new elements into this family plot.  I think the audience will understand and recognizes the main plot devices fairly easily, and that you can lose some pages by reducing time spent on these.  In my opinion, what's really going to make this story take off is if Mark has an influence on the story and takes it in a different direction.  For example, Mark could dress up in solidarity with Aaron and change the course of the party.

Another place I think you'd be able to lose pages is the opening.  You take a long time, albeit an enjoyable one, setting up the main premise of Aaron being dissatisfied with being the Marry.  Since the game is one that I think speaks for itself, and since the perceived downsides to being chosen as the Marry are, I think, equally self-evident, I'm willing to bet you could free up some pages by reducing the setup.  Really, the first four pages, while a lot of fun, essentially introduce these points:

1.  Aaron and Mark are good friends
2.  Aaron's girlfriend said he was the Marry
3.  Aaron's unhappy about that
4.  Aaron's gonna take action to change his image

Surely you don't need four pages to say that?

I dunno.  I'll try to revisit these comments later because I know they're a bit rambly and I'm a little pressed for time at the moment.  I hope some of that makes sense.

It's a very tight and funny read and I think it could become a really excellently entertaining short film.

Hey guys, really glad this is getting some reads. Massive thanks to all! Moving into a new flat in London this weekend, so once that's done I WILL return these. So for now, please just accept gratitude and thoughtful consideration of the points raised.

Stevie - cheers! Yeah, I'm out of my dry spell now I think. No point talking about wanting to be a writer if you're not actually writing. Having Finding Eric screen in competition at that festival has given me a new drive to actually try and make this happen, so it's good to be back in the swing. Yeah, it's set in the US, partly because there are simply more filmmakers looking for scripts Stateside, and also because they have a strong tradition of teen comedy that isn't as prevalent over here. Glad you enjoyed it, and thanks for the read! Got anything new on the way yourself? That werewolf script, perhaps?

Rick - you know, I actually don't really like that montage scene myself. Reasoning was that I wanted to get in all three rules at the party, I wanted something to show the evening had gone on a bit and I frankly just love the image of Mark sitting on the stairs next to a couple making out, sucking on a carton of Um Bongo through a straw - but I probably don't actually need it, and I definitely don't need the Brett bit. I'll look at another way to flesh out the party.

I do find this style very easy and enjoyable to write, but I do want to keep trying different styles and genres for now, Don't want to pigeon hole myself just yet - although I do understand that from a portfolio point of view strength and depth in one genre beats variety. I actually have an idea for a full-length romcom that I will tackle in the New Year, although it might actually be set here in Blighty. But it's horror next, for me. A short, and then a feature...unless I get distracted by something else. Again.

Finally, just on the idea of expanding this to 90-odd pages - I did think about that, just because I like the title and the central concept, but I decided it didn't have the legs. So many comedies these days are really just funny ideas that would probably work as shorts dragged out to 90-minute features that run out of ideas WAY before the end. Saw Easy A and Bad Teacher recently, and those were perfect examples. Those films felt long and drawn out because that's exactly what they were. I think it's much better to allow the idea to dictate the length - the joke was always going to be that Aaron got so worked up over what Alyssa said, but in fact he'd just misheard her. After a 10 minute, 15-minute short, I think that'd be funny. But if I had to wait 90 minutes just to find that was the punchline of the whole film, I'D be pissed off. And I'd have written it. Brett and Darren were right in that this is more a sitcom episode idea than a film. So while I like that you like the concept, I'm not planning to expand this to feature-length, just because I think even if I managed it (and I think that'd be perfectly doable), I'd be in danger of repeating exactly what I thought was wrong with Easy A.

James, Darren and Heretic - you all make great, interesting points, but I have to go to work now (grumble grumble) so I'll address those when I have time later today. Thanks all for the reads and feedback!

With the raves I had to read it. At the airport and just finished the last scene; that was golden (pun intended) and it was the laugh out loud moment; I'm sure a few passengers were wondering wtf. That was funny, finishing it better than you started and you started really good. This seemed very familiar but since you made the story contemporary I didn't flash back too hard to similar past stories. Good job.