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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Shopping at Save Mart Moderators: bert
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  Author    Shopping at Save Mart  (currently 1115 views)
Don
Posted: November 17th, 2011, 5:48pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Shopping at Save Mart by Josh Bushman - Short, Comedy -  It's late at night and Allen thinks he can just walk inside his local Save Mart, but Allen is in for a big surprise when he finds out the store is possessed by the voice of a women and she is angry with him. So it's up to Allen to discover what he must do to make things right. 6 pages - pdf, format


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13thChamber
Posted: November 17th, 2011, 7:29pm Report to Moderator
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First off, "...he finds out the store is possessed by the voice of a women..." Should be woman...


13th
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albinopenguin
Posted: November 18th, 2011, 4:53pm Report to Moderator
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I got dipping sticks.

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slugs are wrong

no fade in/fade out

show us, dont tell us.

this is a one joke script that wasn't that funny to begin with. ditch it and write something else. i've written duds before. you just gotta move on.


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: November 18th, 2011, 5:12pm Report to Moderator
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I'm going to cut you a bit more slack on this.

It was a wacky sketch, based on a simple change in reality. A one joke sketch, but with a touch of heart. Plenty of comedy series and shows are based on this premise.

Yes, the format needs some work and yes I could point out a few things, and I'm still learning everyday round here, but it is what it is. A semi surrealist take on a domestic scene, thrown into a supermarket.

Keep going and enjoy the writing.

All the best.


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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Forgive
Posted: November 18th, 2011, 7:15pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Have a look at and see what you think:

EXT. SAVE MART - NIGHT
A car pulls into a bare parking lot. ALLEN, (24), exits the vehicle. Walks to the front of the building.
The slide doors do not open. Confused, Allen looks at a sign that states OPEN 24/7.
ALLEN
Huh...
ALLEN again walks in front of the doors. Nothing.
ALLEN
What the...
A woman’s VOICE:
SALLY
And what do you want?
This is SALLY.
ALLEN, startled, looks round but  sees nobody.

It's shorter.
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JoshuaBman
Posted: December 7th, 2011, 7:31pm Report to Moderator
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Let's Smoke Crack and Build Everything!

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Yeah I wrote this one along time ago, let's say just say I was in my experimental phase... But then again I'm always experimenting.
Cheers,
Josh B.


Here are some of my scripts, check them out if you dare.

Damn You Bruce!  

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/DAMNYOUBRUCEnnn.pdf

15 page version with fixed formatting available upon request.

3 Nazi's in a Foxhole

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/3NazisinaFoxhole.pdf

Shopping at Save Mart

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/ShoppingatSaveMart.p
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JoshuaBman
Posted: December 10th, 2011, 10:03pm Report to Moderator
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Let's Smoke Crack and Build Everything!

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SiColl007, thanks for the tip will update this scripts ASAP, even though it's not as crazy as Damn You Bruce or 3 Nazi's it's still a favorite of mine.


Here are some of my scripts, check them out if you dare.

Damn You Bruce!  

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/DAMNYOUBRUCEnnn.pdf

15 page version with fixed formatting available upon request.

3 Nazi's in a Foxhole

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/3NazisinaFoxhole.pdf

Shopping at Save Mart

http://www.simplyscripts.com/scripts/ShoppingatSaveMart.p
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Steex
Posted: April 23rd, 2012, 2:56pm Report to Moderator
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The previous comments touched on all the problems I found with the script.
I thought it was a funny concept. Definitely more of a sketch. It reminds me of the things people wrote when I was at Second City.
I thought it was too long, though.
Also, I didn't really like some of the dialogue of the main character.
Hopefully you fixed the problems, because it does have potential.


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