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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Encounter in a Cemetery - In Production Moderators: bert
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  Author    Encounter in a Cemetery - In Production  (currently 1547 views)
Don
Posted: November 21st, 2011, 7:48pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Encounter in a Cemetery by Stan Blumenthal - Short, Romance - A chance meeting of an elderly man and a middle aged woman, visiting their buried spouses in a cemetery...evolves into a quick love affair. 10 pages - doc, format


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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky

Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  April 9th, 2017, 10:16am
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Pale Yellow
Posted: November 22nd, 2011, 9:22am Report to Moderator
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At first I thought you may be trying to write a 'shooting' script but it didn't fit for that.  Right off, format is gonna make people toss this aside. Decide if you are a director or writer and stick with it.

The paragraphs are very chunky. You don't have to tell everything that happens. Instead of writing every lil thing in real time...learn to write movie time. Imagine watching a movie. For example a lady drinking coffee. Real time: She pours it, mixes in cream, lifts it to her mouth, sips it. Movie time: she sips a cup of coffee.
I dunno if that helped...but easier to watch a movie and learn from it.

The dialogue doesn't seem real. Read it out loud.

To get this read and commented on, you need to read at least 10 shorts in here to get the feel and then rewrite yours IMO(that's what I had to learn the hard way also)

But don't give up. Keep working. If you have a good idea, you just need to learn how to present it.
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albinopenguin
Posted: November 22nd, 2011, 2:30pm Report to Moderator
Been Around


I got dipping sticks.

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Sorry to say, but this is awful. you need to learn how to properly write screenplays. read a few on the boards and learn.

for starters, download celtx and upload your work as a pdf file (not doc).

descriptors no longer than 4 lines.

i'm not going to give you any more advice because you already have a lot to learn and i dont want to overwhelm you.

lemme know if you revise this because I'll happily take another look

oh and you misspelled "embarrass"


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Don
Posted: April 9th, 2017, 10:17am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Quoted from Stan

[]...it has been picked up by a short film producer in Argentina...reworked in Spanish of course...to be filmed sometime this summer. []



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You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
- Wayne Gretzky
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eldave1
Posted: April 9th, 2017, 11:07am Report to Moderator
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Very nice!


My Scripts can all be seen here:

http://dlambertson.wix.com/scripts
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AnthonyCawood
Posted: April 9th, 2017, 1:17pm Report to Moderator
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Good news, congrats


Anthony Cawood - Award winning screenwriter
Available Short screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/short-scripts
Available Feature screenplays - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/feature-film-scripts/
Screenwriting articles - http://www.anthonycawood.co.uk/articles
IMDB Link - http://www.imdb.com/name/nm6495672/?ref_=fn_al_nm_1
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