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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Pen Pals Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: November 28th, 2011, 6:07pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Pen Pals by Rebekah Hay (rdhay) - Short, Comedy - A pen and notepad realize that they are only any good with the other, and even then... - pdf, format


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leitskev
Posted: November 28th, 2011, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
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It's well done, Rebekah. I assume this a Movie Poet challenge or something.

Question: is the pen female? Or are they androgynous? Thinking the pen should be male. Cute story.
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Heretic
Posted: November 28th, 2011, 6:38pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Rebekah --

The one comment I have is that the Notepad's line on page 2, "You're a moron," is a little out of character, for me.  Although the Pen was being silly, I felt that the Notepad wouldn't find the Pen's behaviour, as written, sufficient to warrant a personal attack on the part of the Notepad.  Notepad seems like the (relatively) classy type, after all.  I think they do need to get to that level of antagonism, but I think Notepad needs to be pushed a little more before that can reasonably occur.

It's very good.  The tone is pitch perfect, the characters are (with the exception as above) well drawn, and the story itself is appropriately timed and structured.  Beyond that, the story offers a reminder that we can all benefit from often.

How were you imagining this being presented?  Traditional animation, 3D, etc?


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_ghostwriter
Posted: November 28th, 2011, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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Ah, Rebekah...

Nice one.  This is from Babz 's three page challenge.  I believe.  Yeah, I decided to go with a Hammer and Nail.

Have she read it yet?

Ghostie


THE TIME GUARDIAN: KING SAUL JUGGERNAUT - scyfy

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rdhay
Posted: November 28th, 2011, 7:02pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys!

Kev, it was for Babz's challenge (altho I somehow managed to still come in too short...), and I think part of the goal (IIRC) was to stay away from characterizations that come from names or m/f or whatever.

Heretic, yeah, I see what you're saying. I was going for a character that isn't actually as refined as he tries to be:p

Yep, Babz has read it, so we'll see what happens. Did you post your hammer and nail script? I'd love to have a read

Glad you guys like it.
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Heretic
Posted: November 28th, 2011, 10:59pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Rebekah,

That plays, for sure.  I think that the character as you describe it definitely comes across.  At the same time, I guess that that's what made the comment stand out for me; the way I see it, the pretentiousness of the character is precisely what would make it cling to that feigned elegance, probably even after a truly refined person would consider speaking bluntly.  I think even just a couple added lines of antagonism between the two could serve to make the conversation more dynamic, make the Notepad's character more consistent, and make it even funnier when the Notepad is reduced to name-calling.

It's amazing how impossible it is to get away from an automatic gender characterization -- I instantly made the assumption of male Pen, female Notepad, which not only coloured my perceptions of the characters in general but also in particular made the opening banter ("flow problem") decidedly sexual -- I thought to the benefit of the script, actually (and I also thought, intentionally; not the case?).


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rdhay
Posted: November 29th, 2011, 12:27am Report to Moderator
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Hmm, yep, I see what you mean. Basically a little more banter to let the chinks just barely show through, right?

Yeah, I think I imagined them both as 20-something men:p
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Reef Dreamer
Posted: November 29th, 2011, 8:11am Report to Moderator
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Hey RD,

Nice to read something from a regular.

This was an enjoyable tale and not what I expected at the beginning, which is fun.

Once in, like Heretic I immediately jumped onto the male/female thing, the image of the leaking pen leading the charge.

I don't see a problem with this, indeed allows tension to easily form, but likewise I could see the aim of banter between rivals/friends, rather than sexually driven.

"ratty" montblanc- I know the pen name, I just wasnt sure what I was meant to see with ratty?

Just curious what competition this was for? I'm always on the look out for new challenges.

Cheers


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pale yellow
Posted: November 29th, 2011, 10:01am Report to Moderator
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I love this!

I didn't even consider gender, I mean does a pen and a notepad even have a gender??? LOL But since everyone else did, I guess I would have thought of them as equals...so either two male or two females would work for me..

The end was unpredictable, a nice surprise.

Good work! Best of luck with it!


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Electric Dreamer
Posted: November 29th, 2011, 10:10am Report to Moderator
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Hey Rebekah,

It's great to have the opportunity to return the gesture of a peer review.
You've been a fine contributor to the boards here of late.

Charming and to the point!

Kudos on injecting a b*tch/b*stard vibe to the characters' "voices".
The rivalry is established enough, but doesn't pigeon hole the dynamic either.
It humanizes everything and makes this very readable.

Now, go produce this and post the short! People will like it!

Cheers,
E.D.


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is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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albinopenguin
Posted: November 29th, 2011, 1:22pm Report to Moderator
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hey Rebekah,

you're overdue for a read, so i figured id check this one out. unfortunately i'm going to be the minority here. i wasnt a fan (no pun intended) of this one. in your defense, i always have a hard time imagining these kinds of scripts. when objects talk, i picture sesame street. and when they try to make a "grown up" statement, i feel like the two ideas conflict. furthermore, i'm not sure who this would appeal to. youre asking adults to make a huge leap of faith from the very beginning. does it pay off? i think so, but people have got to stick with it. i guess what i'm saying is that whoever produces this needs to be REALLY skilled. it can be done, but its going to be difficult to nail the tone.

which brings me to my next point. i feel like the tone is a bit off. i'm not so sure the pen and the notepad are friends. the title suggests they are pals but the dialogue says differently. i would either make them friends or make them enemies and stick with it. furthermore, the fan felt like a bit of an annoyance. i kind of wished that he too would talk. having him snicker in the background felt tacked on.

so let's talk about the point you're trying to make. as i said before, i like it. says a lot about communication today. mcluhan would be proud. however the dialogue before it seems a bit disconnecting. if the pen and paper had a debate about who the writer loved more for example, then the ending would be all the more powerful.

anyways just my two cents. lots of potential here. good luck with it.


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rdhay
Posted: November 29th, 2011, 5:58pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks guys, lots of great feedback And I see all of your points. I'll tweak the tone and dialogue a bit, beef up the tension and resubmit. I would like to see it made, if nothing else for the satisfaction of *finally* seeing something I wrote going through to production, even if it is only reeeeally short;)

Cheers!!

Oh, sorry, Reef - 'ratty' just meant that he's been around forever, like an old beat-up Mercedes. The challenge was something Babz gave out in her last Babz Buzz. I think I'll ask her if she can do a challenge every show - they're so beneficial, I think.
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Mr. Ripley
Posted: November 29th, 2011, 6:12pm Report to Moderator
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There's a longer story in this if you want to explore it.  Nevertheless, I found this cute.

I think the fan and laptop should speak in the next draft.

Also, not sure if anyone caught it but when the pen said brilliance I think you meant brilliant.

Hope this helps,
Gabe


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rdhay
Posted: November 30th, 2011, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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Woohoo!! Thanks, Babz!! So exciting

Hi, Gabe, I meant brilliance, but I can see how it would sound off. Thanks for the read!
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James McClung
Posted: November 30th, 2011, 8:46pm Report to Moderator
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I thought this was cute, albeit forgettable. I read it twice as I read the characters as androgynous the first time around. The male/female dynamic works better although it really ends the same way no matter how you read it.

Do what Brett said and shoot this thing. Seems too easy not to.


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