Driving Jersey by Sameul Klein - Comedy - The opportunity of a lifetime awaits two slacking college grads in New York City. Their only obstacle: driving through the hectic Northern New Jersey and into Manhattan. 80 pages - pdf, format

G'day Sam,

Thought I would give this one a peek.  I'm afraid to say I have had to stop by page 12, this needs a lot of work.

You have no fade in and you need to work on those slugs.  Literally nothing has happened!  They woke up in a montage scene and then got in the car, where they have been stuck in traffic ever since.

There is various things wrong with this but the main one is action, there is none!  It is all dialogue which isn't believable at all, I don't know many men who would talk about their Gucci shirts.  One line read "beep beep, beep, beepbeep, beepbeep, beep!"  Get rid of this, it hurts my eyes.  

I did love the line "chest bush" I haven't heard that expression too often but I kinda think I should, it's hilarious.

Road movies are a good subject but you need to watch some and study how they brake up the scenes. It just doesn't work for me at the moment sorry to say.

I would also recommend you read Headlong by SteveMcDonellon this very section of SS.  I'm about half way thorough and it is a very funny read.

Sorry if sounds like I am being over critical, but I am meaning this to help.

Best of luck.

Steve