Hit :: SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board

Chazz

Normally a page count in the region of 140+ turns people off, and for good reason. On the contrary, this is what attracted me since I have written two features of similar length. I was curious to see how well yours was going to read over such a page count, would it be earned. Not many scripts get posted on SS that breach the 120 mark…and there’s a good reason for that too.

Anyway, I was waiting overnight in an airport for an early morning flight so what better time to tackle this would-be epic!

It’s been a couple of days since I read it so I may be a bit vague on the finer points, this is my merely my overall impression of the script.

Writing wise, Jeff (Dreamscale) is right in his criticisms of the first couple of pages. It’s understandable for one to jump to conclusions and presume straight away that the verbosity of your prose is what’s ballooning the script’s length here. Your character descriptions have more unfilmables than actual valid details that we, the viewer would be able to see. If you read over these passages you’ll realise that most of the stuff about Rodney and Senator Stone in particular could never be conveyed on screen. One of the primary rules of screenwriting is to only include details that can be detected by the viewer, not just the reader.

Keep the prose as visual as possible, “show don’t tell” is the old adage, simple but true. Cut out any back-story or your own personal asides and flourishes in the action lines you think make the character more colourful and impressive because this cannot be translated visually. Be more direct, terse, only include the essential components of a scene, try to eliminate superfluous details that you include because you want to rather than needing to. Information can only come through dialogue (but don’t rely on this too heavily as it becomes too expository, like you’re “telling” us everything) or scenes in which your characters exhibit these strengths or weakness’s through his or her actions or expression, in other words “doing”. Flashbacks and dream sequences are useful to convey certain details or give context which you’ve used here to good effect via the reoccurring dream Rodney experiences. However, you don’t want to rely on these too much either.

Again, as Jeff pointed out, reduce blocks of action to no more than four lines, just for aesthetics if anything but also because, again, it’s one of those rules. The more white on the page the better and the less daunting it is for the reader or potential filmmaker.

In most case you can replace “and” with a comma. For example “he turns and walks away” can be changed to “he turns, walks away” I find the later phrasing reads smoother, gives the script a better flow and fluidity. Also look to reducing verbs ending in “ing” for the same benefit. For example “He is talking on the phone” can be replaced by “He talks on the phone”. Minor alterations like that can make all the difference for the reader while reducing the script’s length.

To your credit though, the writing does thin out as it progresses. Nothing like the level of meticulous detail given to the opening scenes is repeated throughout the script. The passive verbiage, liberal uses of “and” and “is” and occasional awkward phrasing persist but at least there is significantly less of it, thus the read becomes less of a chore and more enjoyable. So much room for improvement in this department I reckon, which can really elevate the piece to the next level I think its worthy of.

Only capitalise the character names when we first meet them, it’s unnecessary to do it after that.

Don’t say “we” when describing action since we are not present. This too is one of those cast iron rules, it screams “Be careful, amateur at work”.

I don’t know what the idea is behind using the red font; for emphasis on certain passages you thought to be important or a genuine mistake? Either way, a script should only have two colours: Black and White. Lose the red.

Unless you are directing this yourself do not include camera directions. It takes up space and feels like you’re telling the director how they should do their job. I know, we all have each scene of our masterpiece visualised in our heads, shot for shot but on the page you need to refrain from sharing this with the rest of us. If they’re integral to your vision and considered so important by you, include them on a different draft that you’ll have at the ready if you ever get to stand behind the camera yelling “cut!” For the moment, this is a spec script, they must go.

I could be wrong but just from reading a couple of pages of your script it feels like you haven’t been writing long or just choose to ignore some of the standard “do nots” of screenwriting. Most of the errors I’ve mentioned above are textbook, common mistakes, calling cards of a person new to the craft. Believe me, we all have these habits starting out, thankfully they can be easily remedied and ironed out with doing some research on websites, blogs, etc. A wealth of information and tips are out there to set you on the right track.

Combine this with a week or two, a month even, devoted to reading scripts, glean and absorb, take what you need and apply to your work. Always be reading other people’s scripts, you can never learn too much.

I’ll talk more about the actual plot and characters of the piece below but I think the biggest problems with this lie in the technical side of things like what I’ve mentioned above. Which is a good thing because formatting and grammar can be perfected far easier then the art of storytelling. It all depends on perseverance and dedication when getting the craft down pat. The latter is a skill more innate and organic more natural to the individual. It’s far more difficult to be taught that aspect so take it as a positive that this is my biggest gripe.

Spoilers Ahoy!!!

Plot wise I genuinely believe this has a lot going for it which is why I’ve taking the time to write this. After the opening set piece, forgive me for anticipating 147 pages of hi-octane, James Bond-esque adventure. Low on brains, high on action with a sprinkling of timely one liners from our infallible, cooler than cool hero...How wrong was I.

The premise is pretty unoriginal: ex-navy seal come hitman, his sidekick, the shady organisation, last job, dreams of retiring. These are elements we’ve seen many times before, nothing new here but it moved along at a good pace, held my interest. In contrast to the prose, the dialogue was sharp and witty, if at times a little too whimsical in the beginning, especially from Jones. This is why I envisaged a James Bond (pre-Casino Royale) pastiche or homage, nothing wrong with that, I guess I was looking for something a bit grittier. And like I say, I was wrong, it gradually finds its rhythm and tone, it darkens, becomes altogether more serious.
By the time Rodney is involved with Leslie it had settled into a drama. At this point, my interest was firmly held, I liked the plot’s progression, the direction it was going in, the characters seemed believable yet unpredictable, impossible to second guess them.

Given the early comic relief contrasted with the stone coldness of Rodney’s character I wasn’t sure during the early stages of them getting together whether he was actually falling for her or that this part of his preparation towards completing the task…and how bad if he got his rocks off in the process. Very little is given away in Rodney’s expression or gesture to indicate how he’s really feeling and that’s good, it keeps us guessing.

It’s only when they start verbalising their insecurities and reservations about getting “serious” that we can see he’s becoming emotionally attached to his target. Again, this isn’t very original, in fact it’s almost a cliché, however I enjoyed your dialogue and characterization. Sure he fucks her straight away but that is set-up beforehand during their stake-out, it’s a bit crass, a bit sensationalized that she would bring home a different fella EVERY night they watched her but I was willing to go with it, let it slide. This is primarily due to the well judged handling of their relationship you achieved from then on. It’s a welcome change from the chopped up, montage laden relationships of today’s mainstream fodder. Nowadays it’s like; man and woman get introduced, have initial spark, then cut to a two minute montage of them having a great time in each other’s company in numerous location seemingly laughing and joking before things go south…end of act two. That is what passes as a developed on screen relationship these days.

You do have a similar fairground scene but it’s kept suitably short, instead you spend a lot of time with them from pages 40-74 getting to know one another…perhaps too much time some would say. It’s like the whole police investigation has stalled. If I was Hue and Perry’s superior I’d be telling them to pull the finger out in a major way. They disappear completely during this time, around thirty five pages, five or six weeks in the story’s timeline I think, correct me if I’m wrong. I’m conflicted about this section because while I feel it neglects certain story elements and becomes uneven it also contains, for me, some of the strongest sequences in the story.

For example, from pages 53 to 57 Rodney and Leslie have a pivotal conversation at a critical part of their blossoming relationship which plays out extremely effectively. Great back and forth exchanges between them about what each say they want and what they really want, full of ambiguity, uncertainty and ambivalent projections. Rodney’s intense honesty and single mindedness comes out well here, he is strong, confident and assured. Leslie, of course, can fight her corner too, justifying her loose ideals in the face of a powerful force that is Rodney. I was onboard with the characters especially after this scene despite all their flaws and contradictions. The conviction of their chemistry had me convinced so I wanted to see where it would go next.

What the story morphs into from here is an interesting blend of procedural drama, psychological thriller, mystery and flat out action. The cops reappear with increased activity, the primary goal of his job is refocused with Simone phoning in a reminder so its decision time; complete the mission and disappear into the sunset or save her and disappear into the sunset. With so much given to their relationship earlier it was clear what choice he was going to make. The next question: how is he going to go about it?

So things progress to their logical conclusion, he lays low, protects Leslie, disposes of the henchmen, takes out the shady organisation in the most dramatic way possible. It all seems a formality, too straightforward, fortunately the big twist comes to the rescue in this respect. Add the cops closing in (after finally getting a bit of urgency about them) compounded by the fraying of Leslie and Rodney’s bond when she sees what kind of violence he’s capable of. Suspicions are aroused resulting in Leslie getting on the trail herself. Rodney’s fictional world can’t withstand the pressure and scrutiny exacerbated by health issues, so it crumbles in spectacular fashion. It’s an unexpected, bleak direction to take the story but a welcome one I might add. Rodney’s meltdown in the final third is tough reading, you can sympathise with him, a hitman of all people because in his warped, misguided way he tried to do what he thought was the right thing. It was just too late to reverse the damage of earlier wrongs, redemption and freedom were out of his grasp at this stage. This emotional investment I felt is testament to your writing.

The final 15 or so pages subverts things even further adding an extra layer to events. Negating some of what we’ve been told, what we took as truth, pulling the proverbial rug from underneath us but also explaining a lot of things. Most importantly, I never saw it coming. You said in your post that no one has foresaw the ending and I would believe it. It was nicely executed, well thought out and why I think this has some potential beyond the standard hitman/revenge film.

The intricate back-story of how Rodney was linked to the five victims in a contemporary, recession-era way was cleverly woven, culminating in fatal retribution for each party concerned. That is, except Leslie whose prior meeting with Rodney at some backing convention read like an afterthought, something thrown in there to complete the chain. If you choose to keep in this scant connection between them, you might think about working in some scenes referring to it throughout the script, some set-up and pay off so it doesn’t just appear as a throwaway line at the end. This brief encounter with Leslie obviously had a profound effect on Rodney since he went seeking her out. We need more here as it’s the last big question of the mystery which ultimately gets wrapped up in a few lines, too easy, too convenient comes off as lazy.

On the whole, I responded to the story here, the dialogue, its twists and turns, the relationship of Rodney and Leslie topped off with a genuinely unexpected conclusion. When you got a strong concept and follow through on it, the page count becomes irrelevant, a sign of good storytelling. I firmly believe you have a flare for plot and character which is all the more impressive when compared to the sub standard prose that joins it together and has all the hallmarks of inexperience…once again, correct me if I’m wrong with this assumption.

Can I wholeheartedly recommend it? I’m unsure because I know some will undoubtedly be put off by the bloated descriptive, the blatant ignorance to basic formatting parameters, the protracted, central lull in an otherwise convoluted plot but I vouch for the piece overall, it earns its way. When all the inadequacies are picked apart and stripped away I still think you’ve got something here well worth pursuing.

Good job. Get reading and rewriting.

Col.