A Loving Bond by Jamie Press - Short, Drama - After a family’s loyal dog goes missing, they do all they can to locate him. Just wen all hope seems lost, they can only hope for a miracle. 15 pages - pdf, format

You misspelled a word in the logline....wen should be when...

Some of your descripts and actions are too long.

Watch using "ing" words.

"Perhaps, Coco’s there?" on page 5..was this supposed to be dialogue??

Story was just ok...for me...

Hey Jamie,

This has a few problems, Pale mentioned about the "ing" words. In fact this whole script read like a short novel and needs to cut down. You do not have to describe every little thing, only aspects that are important to the story.

The major problem though, was the story itself. I see this is based on a true story and I'm glad it was because if this was fiction,  you would need to work on your imagination a lot! The premise has been done (better may I add) so many times that I knew what was going to happen.

Good luck and keep writing.

Happy New Year.

Steve.

Ditch the 'First Draft' drivel - this is a spec script, nobody is paying you yet. If I'm wrong, correct me & congratulations.

Ditch the date - it'll age the script in about oooh - a day from now? Oh, and Happy New Year.

Ditch the copyright nonsense - it's yours by right, and quite frankly makes you look a bit of a t-wat.

None of the above is my opinion (although I concede to it) it's just what I've been told.

Hokay - and on to the script:

a typical housewife (p2)
- are we still saying this?

The opening is twee. I'm being force-fed sugar.

Peter is walking Coco down the street, passing the school...
- bit sloppy - could be tighter - use the shortest present tense form.

Coco is standing outside and is not happy, he’s scared of the
cars going by and the noises from the local pub that is next
to the supermarket. Suddenly, BANG!!, a car backfires and
Coco jumps back, scared.
- slipping into prose too much here. Just:
Coco stand outside. BANG!! a car backfires and Coco jumps back, scared.

I don't understand why Peter heads for the chippy??? Does Coco frequent the local fish & chip restaurant?

Peter is now really worried about Coco.
- this belongs in a novel - how does Peter visually show his concern?

Okay. I'm at page 5, and this is really reading like a children's book - Peter is just going to go into every establishment in the street and ask exactly the same question to three people wherever he goes, and they are all going to give exactly the same answer.

There needs to be some emotion built into this, or just call it 'Peter Looks For Coco' and sell it to five year olds. There is no tension. Try working a couple of plot devices in - he (Peter)'s got a date to go to, or Coco's odds-on favourite to win best in class at Crufts which starts in half an hour. Just anything to make me care a little.

Good luck.

Hi All,

I'm Jamie. Firstly I just want to thank you all for your feedback. This is my feature script I wrote and it's cool to hear some feedback from all of you. I appriciate. I just want to address some things that have been said.

You misspelled a word in the logline....wen should be when...

Apologies for this. I am a quick typer and sometimes things like this slip through.

Some of your descripts and actions are too long. Watch using "ing" words.

Thanks for the advice, it shall be taken on board.

"Perhaps, Coco�s there?" on page 5..was this supposed to be dialogue??

This is not a dialogue. This is more of a thought for Peter. It's something that he is thinking.

Steve

Thanks for the advice also. It will be taken on board for future projects.

Ditch the 'First Draft' drivel - this is a spec script, nobody is paying you yet. If I'm wrong, correct me & congratulations. Ditch the date - it'll age the script in about oooh - a day from now? Oh, and Happy New Year. Ditch the copyright nonsense - it's yours by right, and quite frankly makes you look a bit of a t-wat. None of the above is my opinion (although I concede to it) it's just what I've been told.

Thanks for the advice. Perhaps the "First Draft" could be drop and its something I will perhaps decide to remove. As for the date, as far as I've been aware nearly all scripts have a date, it's also good to know when you wrote it for any sort of future reference. As for the copyright, I'm not going to ditch this. Whilst yes I do understand copyright exsists as soon as you created it, it's still customary to add a warning to the work. This happens with anything. Website. Script. Photos. They're all copyrighted even without the copyright symbol but it's still needed just as like a pre-warning. I'm a better to save than sorry person. Thanks anyway.

Hokay - and on to the script:
a typical housewife (p2)
- are we still saying this?

Perhaps not but I felt it was the easiet way to quickly describe her character.

The opening is twee. I'm being force-fed sugar. Peter is walking Coco down the street, passing the school...- bit sloppy - could be tighter - use the shortest present tense form.

Noted for future reference.

Coco is standing outside and is not happy, he�s scared of the cars going by and the noises from the local pub that is next to the supermarket. Suddenly, BANG!!, a car backfires and Coco jumps back, scared. - slipping into prose too much here. Just:
Coco stand outside. BANG!! a car backfires and Coco jumps back, scared.

Whilst I appriciate this, I feel that the "Coco is not happy" is a key part for the dog because a dog can portray being afraid, it's just like when they're getting told off for something. They always cower down. This is what Coco would be doing. Thanks anyway.

I don't understand why Peter heads for the chippy??? Does Coco frequent the local fish & chip restaurant?

Obviously not. Peter goes over to the chippy because he sees aload of people inside there and he thought perhaps they might have seen Coco run by. Which is why when he arrives there he asks the people if they have.

Peter is now really worried about Coco.
- this belongs in a novel - how does Peter visually show his concern?

Peter can show this emotion by just being concerned about anything. Whenever we're concerned about something we have that concerned look on our faces. Peter would be swerving his head from side to side with his eyes wide open and his mouth ajar.

Okay. I'm at page 5, and this is really reading like a children's book - Peter is just going to go into every establishment in the street and ask exactly the same question to three people wherever he goes, and they are all going to give exactly the same answer. There needs to be some emotion built into this, or just call it 'Peter Looks For Coco' and sell it to five year olds. There is no tension. Try working a couple of plot devices in - he (Peter)'s got a date to go to, or Coco's odds-on favourite to win best in class at Crufts which starts in half an hour. Just anything to make me care a little.

The emotion behind all this lies in the actors, which obviously I don't have, they need to portray this emotion of being upset. People would care a little because it's something everybody can relate to, loosing a pet can be a distressing thing and make you very upset. People would care because they would see how much Coco means to Peter and the family in general. They would hope for them to find Coco so they get to see that reunion moment between Coco and the family. Whilst I appriciate the advice about adding in plot devices, I disagree. I don't want this to be about anything but the love between a man and his dog. If not about a competition and not about a date either. If anything this would take the emotion away. People would see that Peter only wants Coco back so he can win Crufts who impress a girl on a date. This is only about the love between a dog and the family it has. Thanks anyway.

Thanks for your feedback everyone and happy new year!

Jamie.

Apart from what has already been said, I found it too long. I got bored when they went to look for the dog at the lakes... which took ages. The "dog is mans best friend" line at the end made me realise that I was right. They say short films should only be five mins long, cant remember who, but in this case reckon it would have been more powerful that way.

You could have had the character do something more drastic than cry to prove your point (mans best friend) as well.

Good luck

Quoted from jrpress The emotion behind all this lies in the actors... People would care because they would see how much Coco means to Peter... They would hope for them to find Coco so they get to see that reunion moment between Coco and the family. Whilst I appriciate the advice about adding in plot devices, I disagree. I don't want this to be about anything but the love between a man and his dog. If not about a competition and not about a date either. If anything this would take the emotion away. People would see that Peter only wants Coco back so he can win Crufts... Thanks for your feedback everyone and happy new year! Jamie.

Hi Jamie! Great to see you on the boards, and posting. Sometimes, because I'm so used to people not responding (just posting a script and bye!) then I'm just saying what I think - guessing they'll never turn up. Glad to see you did.

Obviously we differ on some small issues here, but it's not a major deal. I just wanted to bring your attention to the fact that you have actually used a plot device here in order to convey the love between Man 'n' Dog - the loss of the dog. Just my opinion, that the fact that the like each isn't enough for a story, so you need to drive people's interest, which you have done to some extent, but I think it just needs a little bit more.

Most of all - glad to see you posting - good luck.

007

bleyshon

Thank you for the advice. From what I've learned a short film can usually last around from 1 minute to around 15 minutes and I think the running time would be around that mark if we count 1 page as 1 minute of screen time which I have also been taught. So I think that the script is a decent length and I feel that if it gets cut down more it won't seem like Peter tried his best to find Coco. It would seem like he only searched for one place and then left it, which in turn might make people believe that he isn't really all that bothered about finding Coco. But I thank you for your feedback, it's much appriciated.

SiColl007

Thanks for the feedback again. It's nice to interact and exchange thought and opinions and I thank you for that. Whilst I have used a plot device in the fact the dog is loss I think that the loss is more significent to the story whereas any other situation such as a date or crufts wouldn't entirely be significent. But this is just my opinion and again thanks for the feedback and for the good luck wishes!