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I started reading this...there are some problems right out of the gate..
First, the descript and chunnky actions are way too long. You can shorten them by saying only what is necessary to move the scene forward.
The slug lines INT. BLAH BLAH ....you forgot to put the time of day...you can be as simple as NIGHT or DAY but it needs to happen at the beginning of the scene for sure.
Also, when you first intro your characters, you need to be more visual about it...give us an idea what Cole looks like and John...and so on.
The dialogue seems very unnatural and when I got to Meg's dialogue...it's very long ..too long...
This is where the story lost me, about half way through. The whole conversation about the gay thing was boring to me and it dragged on and on.
Best advice I have, is to read a lot of scripts in here. I've learned a lot by reading others.
Hello! I'm a new member and thanks for posting my script. I'm looking forward to commenting on other scripts around here as well. I've often used SimplyScripts as a place to find scripts for acting classes, monologues, etc.
Pale Yellow: Thanks for taking the time to read it! I didn't give the characters descriptions or put in NIGHT/DAY because, at the time of writing it didn't matter, the script was already in the hands of actors. I'll be shooting this script at the end of the month. I'll think about what you said about dialogue.
Would love to see the finished product once you get it made Brandon...if you're doing the writing/directing/shooting...I guess things like format don't really matter. I look forward to seeing it once it's done. d
your logline intrigued me, so i decided to take a look. i'll comment as i go along.
p1 descriptors shouldn't be more than 4 lines long. your first paragraph is 6 lines long and really puts people off right from the start. break it up a bit. for example your first line is, "An empty locker room, a shower runs in the background." There's no need to say that we're in an empty locker room. your slug already told us this.
how old is cole? how old is harris? what do these men look like?
"laughs happily" - just write "laughs." unless he's laughing like a maniac, there's no need for the audience to assume differently.
p2 that's a lot of text. do you expect your audience to read all of this?
name mom and dad.
unnecessary (beat).
p3 getting a bit bored by this point.
p4 Cole really doesnt say much does he? he just shrugs and nods all the time. this might be a little awkward on screen.
p 5 a quick word about beats. beats are pauses that come before a mood change. so don't employ them unless you're changing the tone.
Doug groans. not "groaning"
no need to capitalize Cole. only need to do this once, when first introducing a character.
p6 A CRASH IS HEARD IN THE OTHER ROOM! DOUG SCREAMS. ^nope. only capitalize sounds. i actually laughed when i read this.
you dont need to tell us John in ranting.
starts googling? seriously? show us, don't tell us.
p7 I DONT WANT TO FIGHT IT! ^no need to use all caps and exclamation points. stick with the latter.
this reveal comes as no surprise.
dialogue is super generic by this point. not really all that interesting. just bland. not bad, but not good either.
done.
wait, what happened to doug? did i miss something?
ending is pretty cliched. furthermore the text feels like a PSA.
overall, i appreciate what you're trying to say. however, you said it in the blandest way possible. this was so generic, that you're not going to win anyone over with this. furthermore, you give the audience no time to connect with Cole. we dont see his struggle in the army, we dont see the sacrifices he made, we dont see the hardships he faced while fighting. perhaps if he came back with a limb missing (yet still discharged for being gay), then we could feel for him a bit more. we dont witness his struggle therefore we dont care. what if he saw another soldier returning home and getting a full parade in his town? you need to approach the subject matter from a different angle. as is, its just not interesting enough.
Hey albinopenguin, thanks for reading! Don't I wish I could show all the hardships! Since I'll be shooting this, with no budget, do you know how much any of what you said I should show would cost? Missing limbs? Full parade! Yes, I'd love to do that stuff. I agree with most of the other points you addressed, considering no one does laugh "unhappily". Thanks for the tip on "beats."
hmmm I do agree that it makes things a lot harder when you have little to no budget. you'll have to do some thinking. for example, what if Cole visited his grandfather in a dumpy nursing home. and his grandfather was a war vet who spoke about the glory of war...or the hardships...or whatever. needless to say, it would be an interesting comparison about the old days of war compared to today. furthermore, it could shed light on gays in the military back then. ya see what i'm saying?
furthermore, can you tell me what happened to Doug? super curious.
Very interesting take on the nursing home bit, I actually have another script that deals with a nursing home but nothing on war. Might have to incorporate that somehow.
Doug just got off balance in the other room while doing his workout and fell! If you've ever done one of these P90x at home workout videos, you can get severely off balance and crash into stuff in the way.
I didn't think it needed an, "I'm good!" line or maybe showing that he crashed into something.
hmmm i'd scrap it then. it doesnt add anything to the script. the rule of thumb (for conversations) is start at the middle of a convo and end on the most important piece of dialogue.
I thought I would give this a read today at work since it was rather slow today.
I think you said earlier that you plan on shooting this yourself. So, I guess one could nitpick on some of you writing, I will not do that since it wouldn't matter. I do wonder however, why you did not include day or night.
Another question that came to mind was how you would be filming the part on the Army base?
Is it important that the sprinklers running? Just curious.
You also described the house as an and the modern home, but somehow the pictures on the walls and furniture's. That doesn't sound empty to me.
(I guess I am nitpicking after all. LOL!)
You also say that the bedroom is still the same. The same is what? As an audience we have no idea that's what you're trying to convey here.
Page 3. You describe Meg as older. Older than what?
Page 4. I found it odd that his sister would say ” mom and dad said you've been back for a couple of weeks, why the hell are you just now coming here?”. To me it is bizarre that she had not contacted him if he has been home that long.
Page 5. She says she's renting, but to me that comes off as a lot of exposition. I would like to see a little bit more interaction between the 2 of them and not just her going on and on. In my opinion, Cole needs to be saying and doing more. He is way too quiet.
All in all, I think this piece is fine. I do think however, that it's longer than it needs to be. In my opinion, and I watch a lot of short films, I probably would not spend 9 min. watching this. Not because it's bad, it just takes too long to get to the point at the end. As mentioned earlier too, I do feel that Cole needs to be a little bit more active in the beginning. He says almost nothing and he does almost nothing. Some of the dialogue comes off a little preachy, but maybe that's just me. I think that could be helped if Cole as I said earlier took a bigger part instead of his sister and John going on and on.
I wish you the best of luck with the filming and hope that you keep in mind that even the drama needs to stay tight.
Looking at the feedback, you were filming this at the end of last month? How did you get on?
As for the script here, it needs work IMO, a lot of the action needs to be cleaned up and there was some superfluous material especially if this was filmed?
Why no day or night? What’s with the (O.S) alone in the dialogue? It could have been MOM(O.S)?
The characters weren’t great, hard to visualise but again, you have already pointed out the actors have been chosen and were reading the script when posting.
All this probably doesn’t matter if you are filming this yourself, you will have the image in your head of what you’re trying to accomplish, I have a feeling the filmed version will play out different to this script?
I did like the material and message you’re going for here and hope you’ve been successful in filming this.
I skipped over all the replies, to tell you what I think, it`s probably being repeated.
Pg1 No day/night and your slugs aren`t very visual. 4 line descriptions are usually standard... You have 6 and then 5 lines in the opening slugs. laughs happily??? As opposed to... Sprinkler`s running... Is that necessary?
The writing is very static, too many sentences clumped together.
Int. Home An empty modern home, pictures on the walls, furniture....I thought it was empty? Int. Kitchen Int. Bedroom.... you don`t need Int. they can be mini slugs
kitchen bedroom dining room etc
COLE steps into the empty kitchen, looks out into the backyard. On the fridge are to-do lists, grocery lists, he opens it, full. He closes the door....... Why is any of this necessary? surely it can wrote better than that.
Page 2 (O.S) on it`s own... What`s off screen? We find out later it`s mom....Mom(O.S) IMO I hate beats!!! A little description goes a long way or just use ... again IMO
page 3 again (O.S) on it`s own
No character descriptions..e.g. Meg, older .... not very descriptive
Page 4 description(one of those workout videos) unnecessary... especially when you say it in the next line of you dialogue!
page 6 John needs to be capitalized JOHN 1st intro...and again no description.
The overall idea of the script is good and of course the message itself, just need to clean up a few things.
Good luck
Mark..
Ok now I have read the replies and I see you`re filming it yourself... Good Luck
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot
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I'm a little puzzled as to why you posted the script on a screenwriting forum if any comments made won't matter as it is 'already in the hands of actors'?
Well, hello! I didn't realize people were still reading this. I went back over the script, and I'll agree with the thoughts on this board. I did jumble this together so there's that.
I did end up shooting some of the scenes from the film, the Cole's alone scenes. I haven't finished yet.
I have a feature film premiering in April that I've been cutting and I did some other non-narrative videos, so I haven't been back to DISCHARGED in a while.
I also have a script I found on here that I casted, haven't started filming yet.
Thanks for the comments and when I finish, I'll def. be posting a link here.
And, cartertaylor, the comments did matter, and when I started filming, realized this script was more of an outline in script form? I don't know, I think perhaps I posted to hear more of a this is what I think of your STORY as a whole, not necessarily the goofy script elements.
I owe you a read and was compelled to read this when I saw the logline. It's a strong concept that is especially resonant in light of Obama's repealing a law that ultimately repressed people's ability to be themselves. America is a tolerant society that was better than this. With all that in mind, you've got a subject matter that's surely eye catching at short festivals. You could imagine this subject matter being well received at Sundance for example.
I just don't think you've got the story right as it stands, though. You need a better hook in the plot. There's repetition with Cole telling both his sister and John. There are scenes with the father and mother and John (as well) that set us up for something but never lead anywhere or coalesce into a coherent plot. I see what you're going for with the contemplative, slow, no dialogue opening, but once you've done that, it then requires you to give us something to justify building up anticipation. There's just no ending or resolution at all right now. The supers at the end are good, but with Cole's situation unresolved, it comes off as a political ad to call for repealing as opposed to a story.
Off the top of my head, I think you could link in the disgusting scenes of the soldier who was booed at the Republican debate (I'm hasten to add for the paranoid it's not some trite interpretation that touches on the political spectrum - those bigoted idiots are just nuts and are not a fair representation of the party of Eisenhower and Lincoln). There's a lot of anger with these people and you could use that negativity to up the ante in your story by shining a light on their small-mindedness.
You just need a self-contained story, which would be the only real criticism for what is a worthwhile area to explore for film. I definitely think you should pursue this further.
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