Outpost 22 by Timothy O. Riley - Action, Adventure - Two high-bread boys become involved in a terrible scandal after graduating from West Point circa 1880's. They are hurriedly shipped-off to a nightmarish outpost in the middle of Indian country.  A mystical, surrealistic and violent take on the last days of the Apache Wars. 121 pages - pdf, format

Hi there,

So I've given this a read up to page 66.  I'll finish it when I have the chance but I'll give my notes right now:

P1. Formating: Title and credits should go on title page

Very atmospheric, good creation of mood.  Great visuals.

P3. Not sure if this note is needed.

P4. I think the character names are supposed to be CAPPED first time they are

introduced?

Cut the character notes.  Show, don't tell.

P13 - Again, drop the Character Note bit.

P17 - Drop Scene note. This is just description.

P19 - Drop Character note about Sam.  This can be relayed through description.

P22 - Should there be an apostrophe after GAFFE? Ah, looking forward this represents

an accent?

P36 - missing a period. Not sure why the second sentence is in parentheses.

p46 - No need to tell us why Trenton is storming out of the blockhouse, as he

repeats this information on the next line.

P54 - Not sure I buy the logic that Trenton thinks these two losing their orders

would blow back on him, but then again there may be something I'm overlooking.

P59 - More parentheses.  Still don't think they're necessary.

So far this is well written, with well realized (if not particularly likeable) characters.  You have a suitably cinematic style, and I have to admit to enjoying this one a lot more than I thought I would given the subject matter.

Also in the log line, I believe it should be Two high-bred boys...

Thanks,
:Duan

I could have sworn I had some notes for P60-82, but I can't seem to find them now.

P83 - (The main is in) is redundant.  Probably should cut "they all start shouting for mail" as well, given the subsequent line.

P84 - typo: back and *forth*

Final Thoughts:
For some resaon I didn't find the end satisfying.  This may be because of mismatched expectations of genre on my part, as I expected any of the military men in authority to become major antagonists (Faust, Trenton, Gaffe, Magdaline), but that didn't really materialize.  I didn't really care whether they all died or not, so the massacre at the ending fell a little flat.

The plot seemed to be clearly building to a confrontation between the shadow warriors and the soldiers, and I'm not really sure what I would have done in your place, but I just don't know if it worked for me.

I also thought that there needed to be more set up with the romance.  It seems clear that Victor and Little Wing are supposed to be in love, but I feel like the only setup for this was laid in an opium fueled dream - it just didn't feel as strong as I think you meant it to.

Though you obviously did a lot of research and it showed through the little details that were there to remind you what it might have been like in the late 1800s.  Kudos for that!  They were really effective in setting the scene and immersing you in the times.

:Duan