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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Sam Houston Moderators: bert
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  Author    Sam Houston  (currently 3296 views)
Don
Posted: January 28th, 2012, 6:30pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Sam Houston by R. L. Riley (ghostie) - Short, Western - Haunted by the past, a Texas Ranger and gunslinger have their day of reckoning in Ghost Christi.  9 pages. - pdf, format


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Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
mcornetto  -  February 14th, 2012, 4:01am
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crookedowl
Posted: January 28th, 2012, 7:00pm Report to Moderator
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Hey ghostie,

I thought this was good. I enjoyed it, and didn't catch any mistakes, although I would give PREACHER a name, since it's better to name all of your characters. Anyway, great job on this.

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mcornetto  -  January 28th, 2012, 7:14pm
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ghost and_ghostie gal
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@Don... thanks for posting... appreciate it.

@ Crookedowl...

Thanks for the read... yeah, I thought about giving that joker a name.

I think I read some of your work.  I'll go back and check.  Anything new, let me know.

Thanks again

Ghostie


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CoopBazinga
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Hey Ghostie,

This is a fine piece, I enjoyed it. The writing is fluid, reads really quick and the dialogue was very impressive.

I enjoyed this little tale, reminded me of Sharon Stone’s character from “The Quick and the Dead” avenging her father’s death. I think you’ve done a brilliant job with this, so much detail and depth in 9 pages and have a created a great protag in Samantha Houston, there’s a lot of potential to take this character and her journey further.

A couple of personal nitpicks but nothing major.
                
                      JUAN
       This is coming from a man who spend
       more time in that whorehouse then at
       church. You should be ashamed of
       yourself.

I would change it to “spends” reads better IMO.

“Gunfire erupts from inside. Blacksmith, 20s, makes a hasty
departure. Bags of cash.” I would capitalise “gunfire”.

I struggled to find problems as you can tell, I really enjoyed this story

Great work!

Steve
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: January 28th, 2012, 10:11pm Report to Moderator
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@CoopBazinga...

Thanks for the read.  Glad you enjoyed it.  Atleast in my features I struggle with the dialogue.

Actually I had gunfire CAPPED initially, but decided to do away with it.  Yep, "Somes" sounds better.

I'll return the read, good notes...

Thanks again

Ghostie


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bert
Posted: January 28th, 2012, 10:45pm Report to Moderator
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I was actually confused a few times in this story, Ghost -- not by anything you did wrong technically, I suppose, but there are a few spots where I think you could adopt a better approach.

Right off the bat, you call your town, "Ghost Town".  Now, you know that to most of us this means a town that has been long abandoned, right?  I thought you meant to imply that all of these people were ghosts or something.  It is not until later that this is revealed as the actual name of the town.  I think you should select a different name, but maybe that one is just me.

Later, you go right from the Preacher's dialogue to Sam's guns -- and this was another, brief WTF moment.  I get that you are trying to introduce Sam off-screen, but I think you should introduce a few mini-slugs to help us understand that our eyes are directed elsewhere.  I thought the Preacher was pulling his pistols.

I question Juan's use of the word "bitch".  Not that it offends me, but it feels anachronistic in a way, and I would prefer something a bit more colorful anyway.

Small nitpick, Sam's dialogue should read, "They’ll hang, too."

I do like the bit with the Wanted posters -- that is a nice riff.  Consider having her pull down a couple more.  But having the guys eye the new poster "religiously" seems like an odd choice of words.

I would also question your use of a "pre-lap" for your first flashback.  I kind of figured out what you meant -- but I have never seen one actually used -- and who uses those anyway?  It took me out of the read, for sure.

And when you leave the flashback we have another very awkward transition. I can tell you for sure that BACK TO SCENE is the wrong slug here.  You need to tell us right away that we are at the Crazy Horse, as I was totally lost here for a few paragraphs.  And if Blacksmith is the man from the poster, it is certainly alright to tell us that, too.  Again, for clarity.

The final confrontation at the Crazy Horse is tense, and you set the scene well, as we are pulled forward with a sure sense that something is about to go down.  To me, this could be better still if you were to clarify the actual relationship between Sam and Blacksmith.  Brother and sister?  Is he her uncle?  I feel like you are being coy with us and I do not understand why.  It seems that at least a little more dialogue between these two is warranted to let us in on the secret.  (Unless I am missing something, of course, which is always a possibility...)

At the end of the day, all told, I did like your characters -- Sam in particular -- and I liked your style. Nothing drags here, and the scenes are crisp with little fat to them. It is an interesting story that leads to a satisfying conclusion.

The only real issues I had here were a few patches that I felt were lacking in clarity -- both in the transitions between scenes, and in that big question that remains seemingly unanswered at the conclusion.  Let me know if there are any issues I failed to address or need to clarify.


Hey, it's my tiny, little IMDb!
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: January 28th, 2012, 11:43pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from bert
I was actually confused a few times in this story, Ghost -- not by anything you did wrong technically, I suppose, but there are a few spots where I think you could adopt a better approach.

Right off the bat, you call your town, "Ghost Town".  Now, you know that to most of us this means a town that has been long abandoned, right?  I thought you meant to imply that all of these people were ghosts or something.  It is not until later that this is revealed as the actual name of the town.  I think you should select a different name, but maybe that one is just me.

I can see your point.  Fair enough.  Originally I had "China Grove," no kidding.  I'll look at it again.

Later, you go right from the Preacher's dialogue to Sam's guns -- and this was another, brief WTF moment.  I get that you are trying to introduce Sam off-screen, but I think you should introduce a few mini-slugs to help us understand that our eyes are directed elsewhere.  I thought the Preacher was pulling his pistols.

Hmmm... my intent was to focus on the peacemakers initially, because it comes into play later.  But I can see your point.  I'll re-think it.

I question Juan's use of the word "bitch".  Not that it offends me, but it feels anachronistic in a way, and I would prefer something a bit more colorful anyway.

Got it.

Small nitpick, Sam's dialogue should read, "They’ll hang, too."

Good catch.

I do like the bit with the Wanted posters -- that is a nice riff.  Consider having her pull down a couple more.  But having the guys eye the new poster "religiously" seems like an odd choice of words.

Will do.

I would also question your use of a "pre-lap" for your first flashback.  I kind of figured out what you meant -- but I have never seen one actually used -- and who uses those anyway?  It took me out of the read, for sure.

Pre-lap... it's still done all the time.   I was hoping it would sell the scene better.  Maybe it didn't.  I could go with a (V.O.) too.

And when you leave the flashback we have another very awkward transition. I can tell you for sure that BACK TO SCENE is the wrong slug here.

The first flashback, well, Sam was still outside, so naturally once it was over, I mean the scene didn't change,  so I went with BACK TO SCENE.  Now that I think about it, once she leaves the Sheriff's office, maybe I should throw in another slug... EXT.  GHOST TOWN - DAY.... before the flashback.

You need to tell us right away that we are at the Crazy Horse, as I was totally lost here for a few paragraphs.  

Well, I thought I did with the Crazy Horse slugline. I'll re-look at it too.

And if Blacksmith is the man from the poster, it is certainly alright to tell us that, too.  Again, for clarity.
And you would be correct.

The final confrontation at the Crazy Horse is tense, and you set the scene well, as we are pulled forward with a sure sense that something is about to go down.  To me, this could be better still if you were to clarify the actual relationship between Sam and Blacksmith.  Brother and sister?  Is he her uncle?  I feel like you are being coy with us and I do not understand why.  It seems that at least a little more dialogue between these two is warranted to let us in on the secret.  (Unless I am missing something, of course, which is always a possibility...)

Well, I wanted to give the audience 2 + 2 but not tell them it's 4.   I thought I left a few clues to their relationship.  

I could add half-a-page and fill in more of the backstory for sure.  Maybe a quick flash.  Hopefully it will clear things up.

At the end of the day, all told, I did like your characters -- Sam in particular -- and I liked your style. Nothing drags here, and the scenes are crisp with little fat to them. It is an interesting story that leads to a satisfying conclusion.

Thanks for the kind words.

The only real issues I had here were a few patches that I felt were lacking in clarity -- both in the transitions between scenes, and in that big question that remains seemingly unanswered at the conclusion.  That's what I was afraid of.

You made some fine points.  The most important thing is clarity. I'll go back and re-do some things.  Like M. Cornetto said, "Maybe I tried to be too clever.


Bert, I really appreciate the detailed feedback.  I'll make changes. Thanks a bunch.

Ghostie




Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
ghost and_ghostie gal  -  January 29th, 2012, 4:55am
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Colkurtz8
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Ghostie

I liked this. The story is pretty standard, nothing new there but the vivid characterisation and extremely stylized writing technique you brought to it raised this to something more than your average western.

Like I say you have a very distinctive visual writing style, I love it. To be honest, it took me a couple of pages to get to grips with it. Your scene transitions are very specific, sometimes focusing on little details, props, extreme close-up without describing the scene in more general terms. It was sometimes hard to establish the geography of a scene, the spatial relationship between characters within a given locale.

KITTY (V.O.)
Here I thought I'd fallen on a gold
mine and it turns out you're the
law.

BACK TO SCENE

Kitty - smiles in appreciation.

KITTY
I could use a woman like you. The
pay is real good.

SAMANTHA
Thanks, but no thanks.

-- This is good example of what I’m talking about in terms of confusing scene transitions. Kitty seems to appear from nowhere since you only describe  “Samantha moves at a fast clip – distracted” in the scene immediately preceding the flashback. Then all of a sudden Kitty is smiling “in appreciation” and you’re wondering where did she come from!
Once I got on board with your technique though, it read much easier.

Some might criticise you for being overdetailed, over specific, that you should leave the particulars up the director etc but I thought it brought a vibrancy and urgency to the script, infused the read with a greater level of excitement and tension. We were introduced to
characters by quick movements; the reveal of a weapon, a pocket watch, wiping a bar counter.

I thought this idiosyncratic, character centric way of telling the story and progressing the plot as Sam tracked down her target lent itself perfectly to this type of story, giving it a spaghetti western feel. You could almost see/feel the heat, shifty eyes, stubble chin, sweat, booze, etc all the trademarks of a down and dirty gunslinger film.

I really love the character names; carefully chosen, colourful and amusing “Rowdy "rustler" Hancock” being a personal favourite.

Is it ok to not double space between scene headings and the previous dialogue or action line? It’s useful in conserving space but I find it clutters the page and sometimes the slugline can get lost.

Why did she want to meet Johnny Ringo? He was of no use to her as Picket and Winston gave her the information she needed concerning Blacksmith’s whereabouts.

BLACKSMITH
I don't believe in livin' in the
past. There's no future in it.

-- Fantastic line.

Overall, I really dug what you done here, Ghost. You’ve got a very interesting way of telling a story. I couldn’t help wondering if this was part of a bigger piece. It felt like you knew these characters inside out, that you’ve spent a lot of time with them. It seems like they all had developed back-stories and histories that we only got a glimpse of here.

Good work.

Col.


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ghost and_ghostie gal
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Quoted from Colkurtz8
Ghostie

I liked this. The story is pretty standard, nothing new there but the vivid characterisation and extremely stylized writing technique you brought to it raised this to something more than your average western.

Like I say you have a very distinctive visual writing style, I love it. To be honest, it took me a couple of pages to get to grips with it. Your scene transitions are very specific, sometimes focusing on little details, props, extreme close-up without describing the scene in more general terms. It was sometimes hard to establish the geography of a scene, the spatial relationship between characters within a given locale.

KITTY (V.O.)
Here I thought I'd fallen on a gold
mine and it turns out you're the
law.

BACK TO SCENE

Kitty - smiles in appreciation.

KITTY
I could use a woman like you. The
pay is real good.

SAMANTHA
Thanks, but no thanks.

-- This is good example of what I’m talking about in terms of confusing scene transitions. Kitty seems to appear from nowhere since you only describe  “Samantha moves at a fast clip – distracted” in the scene immediately preceding the flashback. Then all of a sudden Kitty is smiling “in appreciation” and you’re wondering where did she come from!

Once I got on board with your technique though, it read much easier.

Bert mentioned it too, clearly "Houston... we have a problem."   I'll go back and add another slug.  Hopefully it solves the problem.

Some might criticise you for being overdetailed, over specific, that you should leave the particulars up the director etc but I thought it brought a vibrancy and urgency to the script, infused the read with a greater level of excitement and tension. We were introduced to
characters by quick movements; the reveal of a weapon, a pocket watch, wiping a bar counter.

Thanks for the kind words.  This is my style, this is how I write, If I tweak anything, It will be clarity, for sure.

I thought this idiosyncratic, character centric way of telling the story and progressing the plot as Sam tracked down her target lent itself perfectly to this type of story, giving it a spaghetti western feel. You could almost see/feel the heat, shifty eyes, stubble chin, sweat, booze, etc all the trademarks of a down and dirty gunslinger film.

I really love the character names; carefully chosen, colourful and amusing “Rowdy "rustler" Hancock” being a personal favourite.

Thanks.

Is it ok to not double space between scene headings and the previous dialogue or action line? It’s useful in conserving space but I find it clutters the page and sometimes the slugline can get lost.

I use Movie Magic screenwriter, it's industry standard.   So i didn't think it was a big deal.  Maybe I'm taking that for granted. I'll look into it.

Why did she want to meet Johnny Ringo? He was of no use to her as Picket and Winston gave her the information she needed concerning Blacksmith’s whereabouts.

Johnny was just wanted in Abilene for murder.  She was sent to Ghost Town to bring him back.  That's all.

BLACKSMITH
I don't believe in livin' in the
past. There's no future in it.

-- Fantastic line.

Overall, I really dug what you done here, Ghost. You’ve got a very interesting way of telling a story. I couldn’t help wondering if this was part of a bigger piece. It felt like you knew these characters inside out, that you’ve spent a lot of time with them. It seems like they all had developed back-stories and histories that we only got a glimpse of here.

And you would be right, It started off as a feature about a year ago, i got to page 66, and felt I didn't have enough.  So I decided to turn it into a short.  I left a lot out.


Thanks a bunch Col... your reviews are always detailed and very insightful.  Do you have anything new, that I can look at?

Ghostie




Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
ghost and_ghostie gal  -  January 29th, 2012, 12:36am
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Dreamscale
Posted: January 29th, 2012, 11:52am Report to Moderator
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Ghostie, I use MM as well, and for years peeps were bitching at me about not double spacing for Slugs.  I couldn't figure out how to fix it and thought this was just a quirk of MM, but awhile back, Screenrider, of all peeps, actually helped me out.

Here's the deal...

Go to the "Format" tab.  Then, click "Edit Script Formats...".  Inside there, you'll see that you have the ability to alter literally everything in your script's format.  Click on "Scene Headings" and change the "Lines Before:" to "2.0" in the "Line Spacing (in lines)" section, second from the top.

Once I started doing this, I have to agree that the scripts look much better and the Slugs stand out much better.  You can make this change on completed scripts, and/or use it for new ones.  Hope this helps.

I'll give your script a read ASAP.
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: January 29th, 2012, 1:46pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Ghostie, I use MM as well, and for years peeps were bitching at me about not double spacing for Slugs.  I couldn't figure out how to fix it and thought this was just a quirk of MM, but awhile back, Screenrider, of all peeps, actually helped me out.

Here's the deal...

Go to the "Format" tab.  Then, click "Edit Script Formats...".  Inside there, you'll see that you have the ability to alter literally everything in your script's format.  Click on "Scene Headings" and change the "Lines Before:" to "2.0" in the "Line Spacing (in lines)" section, second from the top.

Once I started doing this, I have to agree that the scripts look much better and the Slugs stand out much better.  You can make this change on completed scripts, and/or use it for new ones.  Hope this helps.


Thanks a bunch man, I couldn't figure it out for th life of me.  Look forward to your review.

Ghost



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Forgive
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Hi Ghost - gave this a read, and found it quite interesting. Seeing some of your comments made sense - I couldn't figure why it had been written at first - couldn't see a chance of it being produced as it seemed way too expensive for a nine page short - but you've cleared that up now.

I feel that you have a really lean story here that's well executed. It feels like it jumps focus, though - we have Juan, Kitty and Preacher all introduced, and none of them is the key character - that's fine and works well in a feature, but maybe in a short it's better to introduce the key character sooner - could have had Sam seeing Juan do his bit... just opinion.

I also felt there was a separation between the strength of the story and the way it was told - your style of writing, maybe. Some people have noted that they were really confused during periods of this, and I'd have to concur with them. I like mini slugs and stick them on a separate line - it makes it read quick and it's just really clear what's going on.

Regarding pre lap, far as I know, it's (O.S., PRE LAP), although I don't see why is can't be (V.O., etc). Later you had Kitty with just a voice over, so that came accros a bit inconsistent.

I like the detail - not too sure if this can be called style - I think it's important - what I needed was a little more clarity on things.

Got a bit confused on this:
She takes one down - swaps it for another.
SAMANTHA
Here. Hang this one.
I thought she'd put it on the wall - indicated by the 'swapped' - so this is detail, like the 'sawdust floats' is detail - one enhances, one detracts.

So great story - but I'd just reckon on some clarity here and there.

Simon
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ghost and_ghostie gal
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@Simon...

Thanks for the read.  Yeah, like I said before I didn't do a good job with clarifying things.  I'm going back and adjust Samantha's introduction.

The pre-lap... I'm just going to take it out and use (V.O.) instead.  That or either just include Dolly's dialogue in the flashback.

Good catch about the poster swap.  I'll make the changes on the fly.

I don't normally write shorts, that don't work for me.  I try to cram too much into too little.  My focus, 90% of the time is on my features.

I wrote this with no intentions of every having it filmed.

Thanks again for the read, Simon.  Much appreciated.

I'll return the read.

Ghostie


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Dreamscale
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Ghostie, gave this a read.  Wish I could be more positive…I really do…but I can’t.

IMO, this is a mess in so many ways, and the vast majority of the problems are due to the style of writing you’re attempting.  It looks like many reviewers enjoy your writing, so that’s good.  Bert alluded to a few issues, which I agree with, but I’ll go a bit deeper.  Keep in mind this is merely my opinion, and you can write any way you want to, and if it works for you and your readers, who am I to say otherwise.

First off, it appears to me that you read some screenwriting books or Pro scripts and have decided to try and emulate them and this particular sparse style.  When this is done effectively, it can totally work…I just don’t think it is here, and I’ll bring up examples of where and why I feel it’s working against you.

Like others have said, starting off with “GHOST TOWN” is a big problem.  First of all, I can’t imagine any town actually being called this.  But, more importantly, your opening passage alludes to the exact confusion the name elicits.  Check this out – “Remains of a run-down mining village. Utterly deserted.” – Not only is this passage devoid of any real visual detail, the visual that it does paint isn’t what you’re after in any way.  It’s soon made clear that a guy is dragging a chick through the street while “a handful of townspeople” watch.  So, the town is far from “utterly deserted”.

To go a bit deeper here, the sparse action/description lines work against you here so much.  None of these opening lines are remotely close to complete sentences, which gives the visual of static shots – at least for me.  There’s very little action being described, and because of that, the scene comes off very lifeless for me.

Your dialogue doesn’t come off as realistic to me.  It’s too “proper” in many places.  Just doesn’t work, IMO.

You have a tendency to intro characters OS, which to me, is a mistake.  It’s actually a form of directing that you don’t need to attempt, IMO.

I want to throw this out quickly.  On Page 1, as you intro “Preacher”, you end on the short “sentence”, ‘A bible at his side.”  Obviously, this is a fragment, that doesn’t stand up on its own.  I don’t understand why you wouldn’t include this with the line before it.  There are numerous examples of this throughout and for me, it’s a problem every time it shows up.

On Page 2, you have some very creative messed up prose going on, and again, it’s as if you’re trying way too hard to be witty, cool, and hip, when in reality, it comes off the opposite way, for me at least.  Check this out…

“Preacher squints... looks across the way... wild-eyed --
-- A gloved hand pulls a duster back. It buttons a strap,
reveals...
A gun-belt atop a slim waist with a pair of nickel-plated
Colt peacemakers.

When you use an ellipsis, you don’t skip a space after it.  Here, you use both ellipses and double dashes, and for me, it just doesn’t work.  Then, you attempt to totally direct the shot by not introing Sam until after all this stuff and her opening line of dialogue.  It reads confusingly.  It reads awkwardly. As far as I’m concerned, it reads incorrectly.

Same deal with the direction on the gunfight.  Some will enjoy this style, but for me, I actually detest it.  It’s not the writer’s job to direct the shots.  It’s your job to tell the story in an engaging, visual way.

I’m not going to bring up exact details, but lots of missing commas and clunky sentence structure going on.  Orphans running  around here and there.

On Page 3, you have a double dash, followed by a single dash on the next line.  You’ve already used underlining and all CAPS as well as ellipses.  You’ve also got asides and the previously mentioned direction.  Doesn’t look good – too much “stuff” on display..  Looks like you’re throwing the entire kitchen sink into the porridge here.

Page 4 – There’s an awful lot going on here already – too much, IMO.  Things happen, and then we immediately move on.  For instance, what happened to Kitty?  It’s the lack of details that’s hurting, as well as the jumbled , hip style, IMO.

“The door shuts behind Samantha.” – A complete throw away line, IMO.  It’s also awkwardly written.

And here we go again.  Check out this line – “Main street... Samantha moves at a fast clip - distracted.” – You’ve got an incorrectly used ellipsis and a dash in this 1 “sentence”, that isn’t a sentence, again.  Just reads and looks very awkward.

Page 5 – Oh boy, now you’re really taking things too far in the direction.  I’ve personally never seen a “PRE-LAP” labeled in a script.  Of course, we’ve all seen these used in film, but it’s the director’s decision.  Absolutely no reason for you to do this or attempt to do this, or want to do this.  Really takes one out of the read.

So, we now go into an awkward Flashback, that’s also written technically incorrect, IMO, especially the way you leave it.  As I always recommend for Flashbacks, just use “BEGIN FLASHBACK:” and write a new Slug for wherever the Flashback takes place.  This way, your Flashback can include multiple places (Slugs).  When it ends, just use, “END FLASHBACK.”  That will return you to the last Slug before the Flashback begun.

This whole Flashback is confusing, as well, as you’re not giving us Sam’s age in it.  It doesn’t help that you intro’d her as being in her “20’s), as that’s a pretty wide range.  But now, we have no clue when this Flashback is taking place.  I have to assume Sam is younger, but you’re not providing those details.

“Stare down.  Their hearts breaking.” – Another example of this writing style that doesn’t work in any way.  It’s so awkward and the opposite of visual writing.

After your “BACK TO SCENE”, the passages are very, VERY awkward and confusing.  Also missing “of” in the first line.  Just doesn’t work and causes the reader to pause to try and figure out exactly what’s going on and what you’re getting at.

Page 6 – “As polite as she can be… Samantha excuses herself.” – Ghostie, damn, man, c’mon now.  This is not how ellipses are used – no way.  So awkward.

It’s getting to the point where I’m actually being irritated with these dashes, ellipses, double dashes, etc.  Totally taken out of the read.

Now, we’ve got VO dialogue trying to tell a backstory – just too much…way too much.  Over the top and completely unnecessary, IMO.

More direction of the shots, more awkward writing.   I’m frustrated.

And another Flashback, this time from a different person’s POV, which is an issue for sure, IMO.  And here we have another character with the same name as our Protag, which is again, confusing.  

Ghostie, IMO, just way too much going on in such a short script.  You went big here, but for me, it’s a number of whiffs.  If this is the way you want to write, that’s your choice, but it’s extremely grating and irritating as far as I’m concerned.

This same story could be told in a much cleaner and easier to read way.  It’s tough to get all this in 8 pages, and IMO, it’s just too much of a story.  Keep in mind that all this takes place within a few minutes, other than the Flashbacks, of course.  Because of that, it just doesn’t seem remotely believable.

I’m sorry if this all seems harsh, but this writing style really does grate on me and could be why my tone got worse the further I read.  I do hope some of this makes sense and helps, and again, my apologies for being harsh.

Take care.
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ghost and_ghostie gal
Posted: January 29th, 2012, 5:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
Ghostie, gave this a read.  Wish I could be more positive…I really do…but I can’t.

Can't please everyone.  I'll take the good with the bad.  You've got to have a think skin for this business.

IMO, this is a mess in so many ways, and the vast majority of the problems are due to the style of writing you’re attempting.  It looks like many reviewers enjoy your writing, so that’s good.  Bert alluded to a few issues, which I agree with, but I’ll go a bit deeper.  Keep in mind this is merely my opinion, and you can write any way you want to, and if it works for you and your readers, who am I to say otherwise.

Something we agree on.

First off, it appears to me that you read some screenwriting books or Pro scripts and have decided to try and emulate them and this particular sparse style.  When this is done effectively, it can totally work…I just don’t think it is here, and I’ll bring up examples of where and why I feel it’s working against you.

Like others have said, starting off with “GHOST TOWN” is a big problem.  First of all, I can’t imagine any town actually being called this.  But, more importantly, your opening passage alludes to the exact confusion the name elicits.  Check this out – “Remains of a run-down mining village. Utterly deserted.” – Not only is this passage devoid of any real visual detail, the visual that it does paint isn’t what you’re after in any way.  It’s soon made clear that a guy is dragging a chick through the street while “a handful of townspeople” watch.  So, the town is far from “utterly deserted”.

As Bert alluded too earlier, I do agree, confusion is not what I was after.  I'll go back amd make the adjustment.

To go a bit deeper here, the sparse action/description lines work against you here so much.  None of these opening lines are remotely close to complete sentences, which gives the visual of static shots – at least for me.  There’s very little action being described, and because of that, the scene comes off very lifeless for me.

Your dialogue doesn’t come off as realistic to me.  It’s too “proper” in many places.  Just doesn’t work, IMO.

You have a tendency to intro characters OS, which to me, is a mistake.  It’s actually a form of directing that you don’t need to attempt, IMO.

And here... will just have to disagree.  

There are no hard rules - I write my scripts in a style that works for me.  Make no mistake about it... my focus is simply the story inside my head.  And if I need to break some precieved rules that have been debunked many times before, I will. It's pretty liberating actually.  We can debate, or argue personal style until the sun goes super nova.  So will just have to disagree.

I want to throw this out quickly.  On Page 1, as you intro “Preacher”, you end on the short “sentence”, ‘A bible at his side.”  Obviously, this is a fragment, that doesn’t stand up on its own.  I don’t understand why you wouldn’t include this with the line before it.  There are numerous examples of this throughout and for me, it’s a problem every time it shows up.

On Page 2, you have some very creative messed up prose going on, and again, it’s as if you’re trying way too hard to be witty, cool, and hip, when in reality, it comes off the opposite way, for me at least.  Check this out…

“Preacher squints... looks across the way... wild-eyed --
-- A gloved hand pulls a duster back. It buttons a strap,
reveals...
A gun-belt atop a slim waist with a pair of nickel-plated
Colt peacemakers.

When you use an ellipsis, you don’t skip a space after it.

ellipsis are used in action/descriptions all the time.  They've been done with and without the space.

Here, you use both ellipses and double dashes, and for me, it just doesn’t work.  Then, you attempt to totally direct the shot by not introing Sam until after all this stuff and her opening line of dialogue.  It reads confusingly.  It reads awkwardly. As far as I’m concerned, it reads incorrectly.

Your opinion.  But as with all feedback I get... I'll go back and take a look.

Same deal with the direction on the gunfight.  Some will enjoy this style, but for me, I actually detest it.  It’s not the writer’s job to direct the shots.  

I think I covered this... and I'll add... I never direct explicitly the camera in my scripts.

It’s your job to tell the story in an engaging, visual way.

And I thought I did that. As I have trumpeted many times before... screenwriting is very subjective.

“The door shuts behind Samantha.” – A complete throw away line, IMO.  It’s also awkwardly written.

Actually, I think it reads fine.

So, we now go into an awkward Flashback, that’s also written technically incorrect, IMO, especially the way you leave it.  As I always recommend for Flashbacks, just use “BEGIN FLASHBACK:” and write a new Slug for wherever the Flashback takes place.  This way, your Flashback can include multiple places (Slugs).  When it ends, just use, “END FLASHBACK.”  That will return you to the last Slug before the Flashback begun.

There's several ways to handle flashbacks and the way I do mine is acceptable.

This whole Flashback is confusing, as well, as you’re not giving us Sam’s age in it.  It doesn’t help that you intro’d her as being in her “20’s), as that’s a pretty wide range.  But now, we have no clue when this Flashback is taking place.  I have to assume Sam is younger, but you’re not providing those details.

After your “BACK TO SCENE”, the passages are very, VERY awkward and confusing.  Also missing “of” in the first line.  Just doesn’t work and causes the reader to pause to try and figure out exactly what’s going on and what you’re getting at.

My execution in regards to the flashbacks here, I do admit, can be done better.   Confusion is not what I was after.  When i go back and tweak this... I'll make sure I fix the problem.

It’s getting to the point where I’m actually being irritated with these dashes, ellipses, double dashes, etc.  Totally taken out of the read.

This goes for you or anyone... if things like this takes you out... and I hate to say this, but... stop reading.

Now, we’ve got VO dialogue trying to tell a backstory – just too much…way too much.  Over the top and completely unnecessary, IMO.

Last minute changes there.  I didn't want to clutter this with another flashback.  If I go back and re-write this completely... I'll probably add another page and complete the backstory.

This same story could be told in a much cleaner and easier to read way.  It’s tough to get all this in 8 pages, and IMO, it’s just too much of a story.  Keep in mind that all this takes place within a few minutes, other than the Flashbacks, of course.  Because of that, it just doesn’t seem remotely believable.

Like I said the execution could be much better and the story can be told in a much cleaner way... I agree.  Clearly some parts are confusing.  The "Writer's" fault.
I'll make a few tweaks.


I’m sorry if this all seems harsh, but this writing style really does grate on me and could be why my tone got worse the further I read.  I do hope some of this makes sense and helps, and again, my apologies for being harsh.

No apologies needed. Clearly, we have different approaches when it comes to screenwriting.  And that's all right.  If anything, this helps me to take a second look at my features.


Again Dreamscale,

Thanks for the feedback, your reviews are always helpful.

Ghostie




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ghost and_ghostie gal  -  January 30th, 2012, 5:32am
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