Other by Sam Klien - Short, Horror - A serial killer, bored with his victims generic pleas, meets an unlikely match 8 pages - pdf, format

Not too sure what to make of this..?

Interesting idea... at the beginning - kinda wandered off the point by the end.

Formatting ok-ish.

Action lines on planet Mars.

But with some work, and, I have to say, a more convincing ending, this could probably be made into something.

A first draft?

Sam,

Sorry, but I'm not a fan of this. Many problems throughout, mostly with action lines.

-No FADE IN:

-Opening slug isn't complete. You need to tell us whether it's day or night. Like this: "INT. GARAGE - DAY"

-First two paragraphs need to be rewritten. You mentioned Mike sitting in a chair in the first paragraph, and in the next you tell us he's tied up. Why not just tell us he's tied up in the first place?

-Change "ONE WEEK LATER," since there's no way of knowing how much time has passed if we're watching this on screen. Instead you could just use "SUPER: ONE WEEK LATER."

Read some scripts, and keep writing. You'll be surprised at how quickly you can improve.

Yeah.... I don`t know about this one...
The formatting was pretty bad

No Fade in... No fade out.
The characters had zero descriptions.
The slugs were very bland... no day/night or actual town or something to visualize... Int. Garage

Super: One week later
Some spelling mistakes...pg3  he shanks Steve with a nice... i`m guessing knife
pg4 big gap between live,     by the way

The story itself was ok, a day in the life of a serial killer, with a little twist at the end.

Read more scripts, clean up the mistakes
and more importantly.... keep writing

Mark

Sam,

I liked this. A great way to indulge in a slasher movie but turning tired old cliches on their heads. Kind of like Scream.

A couple of things: your characters really need more description; for the scene in the Park, you need to put some context (is it middle of the night? Where are the other people?); with the theme you have, you could probably milk more black humour out of the dialogue.

Yeah, lots of errors and was written in a rush I think.  It looks like you had an idea, typed it, saved it, posted it all in a few minutes desperate to get the idea out there.
that's fine, it is a great idea and Skyler has one of the best lines I've heard in years -

SKYLER
Listen, don’t take it personally.
There’s no...method to my madness.
I just fucking kill people.

Classic.

With a bit of TLC and a stronger ending, this could be a great short as the premise is solid.
Missing a simple fade in and fade out grinds my gears, it's a common courtesy to the reader.

The ending was a bit 'meh' though I expected Zevida to kill him and open her own notebook with the well used kind of role reversal twist and you avoided that nicely.  but what you have in place isn't very satisfying as an ending.  
I'm looking forward to any re-writes.

Daz

SAM,

You around? i hope you get involved.

I personally dislike like it when a decent story is missed, or ignored because of silly format issues. In this case you have a half decent story coupled with the issues, so you can get away with this, just.

Ok a few format suggestions

Fade in, Fade out
Capitalise names on first meeting, e.g. MIKE
Slug lines or the scene title should have DAY or NIGHT - i was trying to imagine the scene and couldn't because i didn't know whether it was dark or not. they do serve a purpose.
Yeah a few simple typo's - e.g. Nice as referred to above.
When you want to say one week later this can either be in the title so the audience doesn't know but we do or use a SUPER: ONE WEEK LATER - this comes up on screen
Actually looking at the time changes i don't think this is needed. we know it's another scene so we assume later and he has a next victim. Is the one week later important? to me it looks like  you could leave this out.

Story

yeah, i liked this. A simple reversal on a common idea. Some nice lines and a decent visual with the drink and the knife, although don't go too far with this otherwise we loose the reality element.

The main downside is the slim ending. We know nothing about this girls to suggest she is different. i would recommend some forewarning such as different appearance, an unusual action, which makes us think, is she normal?

After this we can then believe different behaviour. I still prefer the idea of the clever girl using her wits to escape by pretending. So i could see her offer sex, her number as a way on enticing him. We are then left with the is she like this, or not question, but perhaps show her running for her life outside so we know she was smart. i accept this is not what you are aiming for at the moment so a change, but the idea of a smart girl faced with death wanting to meet up again, doesn't quite work for me at the moment, as written.

all the best

Havent been around for a while but this was a good story to read first. I enjoyed it.