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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Hudson Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: February 9th, 2012, 7:27pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Hudson by Sam Klein - Short, Drama - A fear of commitment, love after death. 10 pages - pdf, format


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Forgive
Posted: February 10th, 2012, 8:06am Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Fairly sure Sam doesn't post on the board - couldn't quite remember.

Unfortunately, as a result of that, I had a look at the 'script'. It ain't good.

Dialogue is very one-dimensional; lack of descriptions make it a hard read. Very confusing toward the end when Braeden is killed, then he's suddenly alive again.

No sense of empathy with the characters, and the motivation is a bit far-stretched.

Really nothing to recommend it.

Sorry.
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Dreamscale
Posted: February 10th, 2012, 11:51am Report to Moderator
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Damn!   Horrendous, sorry to say.

The writing seriously looks like this could be a pisser...as in it's so bad it's on purpose, but I highly doubt it.

Couldn't get past the first 1/2 page.

Please, work on your grammar and sentence structure.  If you're still in 2nd Grade, ask your teacher for some help after school.  There's just no excuse for this, IMO.

Very poor.
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CoopBazinga
Posted: February 10th, 2012, 12:21pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Dreamscale
If you're still in 2nd Grade, ask your teacher for some help after school.


Damn that's funny, Jeff.
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alffy
Posted: February 11th, 2012, 8:37am Report to Moderator
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I had to check this out with a title 'Hudson'.

Unfortunately this lacks the emotion the story needs.  The dialogue is a bit too on the nose and I'm not sure why Braeden is friends with the homeless Hudson?

It's an interesting story a twist but it needs some work.


Check out my scripts...if you want to, no pressure.

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Abe from LA
Posted: February 11th, 2012, 9:34pm Report to Moderator
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Sam,

I think this is an honest effort and warrants some constructive feedback.
Much of the problems I think lie with your unfamiliarity with screenplay writing.
It feels like you have a story to tell, but the story itself is lacking in such things as subtext, dialogue writing,  character development and clarity.

The story was hard for me to follow.  Break down your scenes and ask yourself what you want to accomplish.  The scenes feel shallow and missing drama, tension, conflict, all the things that make for compelling reading.

Braeden's death I get.  But I can't figure out Layla's thinking.  She just told Braeden she wanted to "explore," test the waters before committing herself to him.

In the end, it really felt like Braeden and Layla were nothing more than lifeless spirits throughout the story.  I didn't feel anything for them. I didn't sense any kind kinetic spark in their relationship, since they don't have a relationship on the page.

In terms of theme, some of this reminds me of "Carnival of Souls," without the spooky nature.  

As for Hudson, what is his purpose in the story.  He rips pieces of newspaper, which I guess spells out the magic words, but why?  
What is his relationship to Braeden?  Why would Braeden confide in this homeless man?

Some nitpicks: Newspaper shreds are likely to blow away, even by the slightest of breezes.  If Hudson is spelling out a message with the newspaper shred, why doesn't Braeden respond?

Layla cries way too much.

The body falling from the cliffs.  Is the Marina up against the cliffs?  Where does the girl's body land?  Not sure of the location.

I like the alternate ending better.

I think I'm missing something overall.  

Concentrate on making your story more clear.  Be careful of those interlocking scene jumps.  Bring your character to life and create some emotion.  Not a bad first effort. Keep working on this.  Good luck.

Abe
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Loulou
Posted: April 25th, 2012, 1:50am Report to Moderator
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Hey there Sam,

I'm not really sure what you are trying to say with this screenplay? What is the real meanjing of thie story?

A great director friend helped out enormously by teaching a bit about the value of Thematioc Premise... The central theme of the story (for you it might be true love) and the veeiw point expressed in this story relationg to that theme (in Romeo & Juilet it is that true love conquers all).Then when looking at your overall story you can find ways to challenged that thematic premise through character and plot.

Here is a great site for this: http://dramaticapedia.com/2011/05/22/thematic-premise-vs-thematic-conflict/
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