Cabin Fever: Episode 1 - "A New Beginning" by Ewen Connell, Matthew Johnson, Sean Halket - Series, Comedy - Three flat mates are forced to stay in quarrantine after one of them returns home with a very contagious virus. 18 pages - pdf, format

you're probably going to get flamed on here for some of your formatting (including camera shots is highely discouraged)

anyway i'll leave that for the format nerds... the biggest problem with your story is there is absolutely no way on gods green earth if someone had a disease like this that any doctor would just leave the boys "on their word" that they wont go out.

the CDC would have been called... army and police would have showed up... everyone theyve been in contact with would have been taken away and quarantined ....and it would have been a huge deal.

so the ending to this is completely implausible.

This is your 1st page.  I'll read the rest and tell you what I think of the story when I get back.  These are some of the hang ups I have with it.  I'm not the authority on format -- but my past experience, this last year more than any other as I've actually been dealing with consultants, tells me you have some quarks to iron out here and there.

I'm not saying you can't find someone who'd buy your script, make it and make you millions in the process -- there are people out there who do have different preferences.  It's all about the circle you deal with from my experience.

I have a set way of doing things, and am only suggesting them to you.  Take the advice, don't take the advice... It's up to you, man.

You wrote:  

INT.CAR - DAY
PAUL sits in the driver’s seat of his car. He is wearing a
black suit with a red tie with an intense look on his
face.

Does this even sound like it sounds good?  Did you even try reading this back to yourself?

PAUL, at the wheel, wears a black suit/red tie combo - an intense look etched on his face.


You wrote:

SLOW ZOOM IN onto Paul as he grips onto the steering wheel
tightly. He lets out a sigh and gets out.
CUT TO:

Paul grips the wheel, he sighs and steps out of the vehicle.

CUT TO:


You wrote:

EXT.HOUSE - DAY
Outside of the car is a large, ominous looking house. Paul
looks up at it with his hands on his hips.

Paul is confronted with a large, ominous house.


You wrote:

OVERHEAD SHOT of Paul as he turns around and walks to the
boot of the car. He opens it.

Paul walks to the trunk of the car, opens it up.


You wrote:

Paul grabs a suitcase and walks over to the front door,
while looking for his keys in his pockets. He finds them
in his blazer pocket and unlocks the door, entering.
CUT TO:

Paul hoist his suitcase up, walks to the front door.  He pats himself down, produces a set of keys - unlocks the door.

CUT TO:


You wrote:

INT.HOUSE - LIVING ROOM - DAY
Paul walks into the living room and drops his suitcase on
the floor. WHIP PAN over to JOSH and NEIL sitting on the
couch, playing video games.

Paul enters the living room, drops his suitcase.  

Playing video games on the sofa, Josh and Neil, startled, glance back.


You wrote:

PAUL
Hey.  I’m back.

Josh and Neil pause their game.

JOSH
What?

PAUL
I said I’m back.

JOSH
Oh. Cool.

Josh and Neil un-pause their game and go back to playing.
Paul is silent for a moment.

PAUL
Aren’t you going to ask how I’m
doing?

Josh and Neil pause their game a second time

The above isn't bad -- but I'd omit Josh and Neil pausing the game every time.  Why?  Because it only takes one person, from my past knowledge of when I actually did play games, to pause the game.  Not two.  This isn't like launching a missile from a sub -- both keys don't need to be turned at the same time.

I thank you for your that. Beleive me, I am quite aware of my mistakes here as a writer. I am young and the three of us have now gone on to begin shooting the series. We've done a few episodes and we are quite aware of the obserdity and the mistakes made both with the script formatting wise and story wise.

I'd like to think of myself as quite a good director and used to think I was a good writer. However, I'm slowly coming to realise the mistakes I tend to make. I really do try to work on this, however I do not think I'm a good writer and if I'm ever lucky enough to make a feature film I will be doing it with the best screenwriter I can find by my side, helping me to put down great ideas on paper.