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The first piece of dialogue, he says "brother". *Cringe* . I'm pretty sure he is doing the VO of what he wrote on the paper so I'll let you get away with that one!
This might just be me but I really didn't like the VO's here, especially the ones at the start. They felt unneeded and IMO there could've been a better way to show this? Maybe Jonny or Maggie could skim read the paper instead?
I enjoyed the ending but I didn't really like the lead up. I know this is a short but it felt lacking. Maybe, I'm being too harsh though.
SPOILERS
A kid steals his brother's time machine and goes to the past so he could be the last member of The Beatles? It's original but it doesn't quite do it for me.
Overall, enjoyable and nicely written but wasn't my cup of tea, maybe some older members here might love this.
But at my back I always hear Time's winged chariot
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Love the nostalgia and the whole Beatle vibe and hope Paul might enjoy as much as I did and decide to waive any copyright fees, otherwise... When it began with what looked like a suicide my heart dropped but then it picked up as I was taken to a wholly different place; pre-Beatles Britain! I imagine this will have a wide appeal on so many levels so it would be great to see it filmed. Good luck with that. I think the title is too portentous for the general tone of the story. Overall the script is concise and well formatted other than the lack of time shift indication in final scene. Perhaps PRESENT in the final slug? There are some ‘ing words: wearing; blinking; starts playing; continues playing. Bastard’s instead of bastards Capitalize ‘jesus’ Didn’t get the ‘scathing glance’ line with the old lady: Was he pushing in? I would cut it. These nitpicks aside, I think you have a refreshingly original idea and a script to fly with.
I found this a pleasant tale, with a nice sense of "what will happen" and an enjoyable twist. Perhaps a little light on humour or depth. I don't mind the "you've made a time machine", after all its a lighthearted short film. Inevitable ti throws up the issue of time travel and affects in todays world - i wonder could the name have slightly changed e.g. the second beetles, or The Beatles Reborn, or the Return of the Beatles? again, just to show the influence.
If he was to replace John maybe an early reference to not liking him or taking his lyrics on his journey could have added to the reason.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
Page 1: "Is he in there? Dead?" I don't like the "dead." I think we definitely get it. At the very most, maybe an "is he...?"
Page 2: Don't like any of the VOs. Your visuals are doing most of that work. Especially when he begins to strum, we're gonna know exactly what's going on. If you feel the need to explain the coins, I'd rather see Jonny notice that they're gone in the present. Placed there, it'd be adding to the mystery rather than subtracting from it. And Pop's old guitar...why not use that as an excuse for Rob to talk to someone on the bus? Be more dynamic, anyway. He sits down, someone glances at it, he goes, "It's me pop's old guitar...I mean, me pop's guitar." That kinda thing. Anyway, the point I'm trying to make is that I don't like the VOs. Haha.
Page 4: Hmm, but I do think the VO here is nice, and I suppose if you're gonna go with it you gotta set it up. Mixed feelings on this but I'd still rather see the VO gone.
Thoughts:
Ha ha! This was the perfect thing for a nice quick read. Very enjoyable and very tight. I guess my main complaint would have to be that it was almost a little bit too easy. Rob didn't have any trouble, and Jonny didn't really make anything of his problem, so there's not really much going on in terms of conflict or movement. Personally I'd like to see this expanded.
You should shoot it, Stevie!
P.S. "Brother" in the note made me cringe, too. Surely you could throw that exposition into whatshername's dialogue instead?
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"Career" Highlights -2, count em, 2 credits on my IMDB page. -One time a fairly prominent producer e-mailed me back. -I have made more than $1000 with my writing! -I've won 2 mugs... and a thong. (polaroids of me in thong available for $10 through PM)
I read the original draft of this and Stevie has my comments.
So everyone knows, I actually liked this and felt it had a pretty cool vibe to it.
One comment I do want to throw out is the back and forth about using "brother" in dialogue or a written letter. My sister and I use "brother" or "sister" when talking to each other quite frequently. It is not used in a formal way at all, but in a somewhat joking way. So, for me, the "brother" line was A OK.
Thanks for all the comments and thoughts - will work throught them.
I wrote a story like this back in 2004, when i started to write seriously - not in script form, just as a novel I guess. Eventually, this turned into my time travel story, 'Sent', which became my first script.
Last year I suddenly wanted to do this as a short, so i scavenged in the garage and found the original notes - i hand write all my stuff and date every page! lol So I got into it, planning a 20 pager or so. Put it aside in August last year and left it. The other week, i suddenly realised out of nowhere how it should end!! So I finished it, threw a title on just before I posted to Don. (thanks for posting by the way, big fella)
Ok, to the comments. I'm not used to doing the quote as u go thing:
hang on sorry guys i have to go somwhere urgently!! will be back soon!
Nawazm (sorry can't recall everyone's real names) - Jeff commented on the use of 'brother'. I was a bit surprised it seemed an issue; it says VO next to Rob. And the VO's generally people weren't too sure of. I don't use them much in my writing but wanted to give this short that little extra. After all, this is the changing of history going on! Thanks gaain for the read man!
CT - Yeah, the copyright...i guess I could have Rob play ADITL, that might be ok! It was sort oan indulgence with that, but it fits in with the general nostalgia bit. Paul wrote that middle eight (seperately from John i might add - John needed amiddle bit for ADITL, and Paul just happened to have this bit and it damn well fit together perfectly - how fucking good were these dudes? , um, sorry, yeah Paul said it was recalling him and George at scholl, having a smoke on the bus. i was trying to recreate that wonderful time of their lives. These schollboys, little to knwow they would one day became amongst the most famous people who have ever lived.....
um, 'ing' words - I know people ususally diis them. I'm over it sort of. If i use one I will. Depends how the sentence is I guess. I don't capitalize 'jesus' or 'god' in my work, if they are in dialogue, precisely cos they are in dialogue . Anyway, glad you liked it!
Reefmeister!! You know, after i posted it, I realised that Rob's action would seem incredibly nasty and selfish. Poor old John!! But it means that he wouldn't die in 1980? Maybe Rob gets shot in a sequel? Hmm. No, here it ends. Short and sweet Cheers for the kind words buddy!
Heretic - yeah I mulled over the word 'dead' before leaving it in. In hindsight it can go! You make some vaild points about the VO. Its a fifty fifty thing i reckon. Too much can spoil a script, can't it? Appreciate the read and comments! oh, and I would love to make this but I know fuck all about doing it!! lol
Conz - ta mate!!
Jeff - sweet bro!! Glad u liked it.
Cheers all. Still trying to finish my new comedy feature but life is getting in the way!
Pretty sure you don't have any copyright issues here, Stevie. This seems like a parody to me, which is a protecting law. Anyone can do a skit pretending to be the Beatles. I went to see a band called Abbey Road a few years back. The look, dress like the Beatles and sing their music pretty damn good. Pretty sure they travel the globe with their act, too. Don't think anyone can touch them for copyright infringement. Er, maybe they send Paul a finski for Christmas every year.
I liked this, put a smile on my face. Pretty clean read overall. Am I to believe Rob replaces JL in the beatles?? Shame on you, if so...
Pretty sure you don't have any copyright issues here, Stevie. This seems like a parody to me, which is a protecting law. Anyone can do a skit pretending to be the Beatles. I went to see a band called Abbey Road a few years back. The look, dress like the Beatles and sing their music pretty damn good. Pretty sure they travel the globe with their act, too. Don't think anyone can touch them for copyright infringement. Er, maybe they send Paul a finski for Christmas every year.
I liked this, put a smile on my face. Pretty clean read overall. Am I to believe Rob replaces JL in the beatles?? Shame on you, if so...
Good read, get your arse in the OWC next week.
James
Cheers mate, glad u liked it!
Yeah, theres heaps of Beatle tribute bands around the world. I've seen some here in Oz and they are all good. I could dodge the copyright (for having the actual ADITL playing in the BG) by perhaps having Rob playing and singing it?
And yeah, John drew the short straw! The date is very important and only fellow Beatle freaks would pick up on it: it is set a month before John meets Paul.
My arse is already booked in for the WOC, don't u worry. And I plan to continue putting shit on Cleveland as required...
Did Stevie just kill John Lennon? Or rather, did his creation, Rob?
As that guy in A Fish Called Wanda said, "you ba-ba-ba- sterd!!"
I liked this. The poster bit is really, really cool. I'm a little worried this will start a trend of Stevie posting his fantasies. This could get ugly.
Seriously, liked it Stevie, especially with the end. That would be really cool in a short, but might be tough to get actors to play young Paul and George. But maybe you could. Nice work!
Did Stevie just kill John Lennon? Or rather, did his creation, Rob?
As that guy in A Fish Called Wanda said, "you ba-ba-ba- sterd!!"
I liked this. The poster bit is really, really cool. I'm a little worried this will start a trend of Stevie posting his fantasies. This could get ugly.
Seriously, liked it Stevie, especially with the end. That would be really cool in a short, but might be tough to get actors to play young Paul and George. But maybe you could. Nice work!
I'd love to play Paul but I'm only 20 years(and 4 days) younger than him...lol!
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. I'm pretty sure he is doing the VO of what he wrote on the paper so I'll let you get away with that one! 
, um, sorry, yeah Paul said it was recalling him and George at scholl, having a smoke on the bus. i was trying to recreate that wonderful time of their lives. These schollboys, little to knwow they would one day became amongst the most famous people who have ever lived.....
. Anyway, glad you liked it!
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