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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  Max's Traveling Carnival Moderators: bert
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  Author    Max's Traveling Carnival  (currently 12607 views)
Don
Posted: March 2nd, 2012, 10:05pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Max's Traveling Carnival by Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - Thriller, Action, Horror - A young girl discovers she has a superhuman ability and embarks on a quest to save her parents from an evil carnival leader. It's Harry Potter meets X-Men. 97 pages - pdf, format


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Revision History (4 edits; 1 reasons shown)
bert  -  April 22nd, 2013, 3:06pm
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 3:03am Report to Moderator
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Thank you Don for posting this up. Thanks to those who've read the short version of this script. Hope you guys enjoy.

THE CARNIVAL'S NOW OPEN!



Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: March 3rd, 2012, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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Taking a long vacation from the holidays.

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Hey Gabe!

Congrats on getting this puppy posted!
You're in my queue, looking forward to the read.

I love the facial expressions on your art.
Very Yellow Submarine. I approve!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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stevie
Posted: March 6th, 2012, 5:00pm Report to Moderator
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Gabe, will read this after I do JDub's Willowick.

Cheers stevie



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Grandma Bear
Posted: March 6th, 2012, 7:52pm Report to Moderator
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I think I said earlier too that I would read it, but I think it got deleted. Maybe because promising to read is frowned upon. So, I'm saying it again. I will definitely read it. Got two more to finish first, but after that, I'm on it.  


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Mr.Ripley
Posted: March 7th, 2012, 5:38am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Brett, Stevie, and Pia

No worries. I know people are busy because of the OWC and other reading commitments.


Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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Dreamscale
Posted: March 7th, 2012, 12:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Gabe, I was waiting for others to provide some feedback, but it seems to be taking them quite awhile.  I know you've been talking about this script for a long time now and I'll get the ball rolling for you.

Page 1 – Opening scene is tough to follow, because you didn’t make it clear what’s going on and who’s present.  What I mean is, who is Max talking to?  An audience?  If so, you need to “show” them.

I think the opening Slug and the Mini following is also a little vague, or just hard to picture, based on the Slug wording as well as the description, or lack of description provided.

“Pass” – I think you mean “Past”

“Close to passing…” – This is an awkward, hard to picture or understand line, IMO.

“Dirty, disheveled, and…” – Also awkward and a little “strange” to me.  Using “the” in front of “FIRSTARTER” makes me believe that he has some other name you’re not telling us, because if “FIRESTARTER” was his name, you wouldn’t use or need “the” in front of it.  I’m also confused (as above) about exactly what’s going on here.  Is there an audience present, or is Max leading Smiley around for some reason?  It seems like Smiley was shot out of a cannon or something and is part of a show, but now I’m not sure.  If this is indeed a show, in front of an audience, why is this guy drinking a beer...and why the “long” in front of “beer bottle”?  You also end this 3 line sentence on an orphan that shouldn’t be here, because there are so many words you can omit.

Final sentence - “Pass” – Again, I have to believe you intend to mean “Past.    The whole line is very confusing and unclear, and again ends in an orphan.

Page 2 – “Pass” – same as before.  Again, very confusing, and again ending in an orphan.

“In between…” – Awkwardly worded again.  Using “while” is incorrect here.  Using directional details in parenthesis don’t work and aren’t needed.

The next line is also a little awkward.  The word “amid” is awkward in this sentence.  Definition-wise, you would think it would fit, but it doesn’t.  His physical description reads awkwardly, where it’s placed.

Pass the sixth…” – Here it is again.  I’m really confused.  Do you mean “They pass”?  Either way, it’s incorrect and reads poorly.

OK, so they get to this “enormous tent” (which is not a good Slug by any means), and Smiley back flips inside of it, where you use a Mini Slug of “ENORMOUS TENT”, but we’re now in an INT scene, right?  If so, you need a full Slug, which shows us we’re in an INT scene.

IMO, the montage isn’t handled properly.  I understand what you’re trying to show, but as written, it needs some work.

Page 3 – OK, so after the montage, I’m even more confused than I’ve been so far.  “Max comes out to loud APPLAUSE.” – So, as I assumed, there is an audience here (at least inside the enormous tent), and there is a show taking place.  Where or what does Max come out of?  What is with the strolling along with Max and Smiley, and passing Jugular and Firestarter (outside), who are all now inside the enormous tent doing a show?  How does that work?  Have we missed a time lapse or something?  I don’t know what’s going on and starting off this way is a very, very bad and big red flag waving.  So important to jump out of the gate properly.  This opening needs serious attention, IMO.

Max’s dialogue to the crowd is also very awkward and unrealistic.  Read it out loud and hopefully you’ll see what I’m saying.

Your new Slug after the DISSOLVE TO is a mess, sorry to say.  “SOUTHWEST”?  That’s the Slug?  No reason whatsoever to have the actual area in parentheses here.    Makes no sense and looks terrible.

“Medium length hairstyle, ELENORE THOMPSON (35) walks alongside Julie.” – OK, listen, Gabe.  I’m not trying to be an ass, but this may well be one of the worst intro sentences I’ve ever read.  You do not want to start a sentence like this, as it reads just terribly.  But, there’s more than just the structure and wording of the sentence that’s wrong.  You already intro’d Ben and Julie as walking along together (without mentioning that there’s a third person).  Ben and Julie even exchanged 4 lines of dialogue.

“Short haircut, DANIEL THOMPSON (40) walks alongside Ben.” – Oh Boy…you did it again.  Gabe, I’m sorry, but that’s unacceptable, IMO and that’s as far as I’m going to be able to get.

I’m sure you’re not going to be thrilled with my words and others may not either, but the things I’m saying are all issues you need to be aware of.  You really do.  I’m not trying to be harsh or put you down in any way, but if I don’t bring this stuff up, I highly doubt you’ll ever realize what’s wrong with your writing on display here.

My feedback is meant to help you as a writer, Gabe, and I hope it does.  I know you’ve been working on this a long time and it’s great to see you completed it.  That’s quite an accomplishment.  Now, you need to focus in on what you’ve written and figure out what works, what doesn’t, and why.

OK, bro, hope this makes sense to you and helps you going forward.  Take care.
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: March 7th, 2012, 6:11pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks Dreamscale. Appreciate any reviews and all will be taken into advisement when I'm rewriting.

THE OPENING SCENE

We, represented as the camera in 1st pov, are the audience. Didn't want to use we so I decided to do it this way. The camera follows Max and Smiley to the enormous tent, which if you have another name let me know. This is all part of the show.

SLUGS

The whole story takes place at this carnival. So, I decided to use mini slugs since it's happening at the carnival. We're not going into a new place just somewhere in the carnival. Granted I can do full slugs for everyplace, but it will be repetitive.

I used compass directions. If you have a better way of saying where they are in the carnival, please let me know.

PASS

I'm keeping everything present and didn't want to use ing words since it's frowned upon.

CHARACTER DESCRIPTION

Often, I get this right. Often I get it wrong. What's wrong on how I intro'd Daniel, Ellenore, and Firestarter? What would you like?  

MY WRITING.

I see myself as a novice. I'm always learning and yearning to learn. I also have thick skin towards the writing so I can take it. I write as I see the movie played in my head and I try to depict that in writing. I'm a director (without putting camera directions in my writing until I become a famous screenwriter) . They're going to be people who are going to like it and others who don't. Sorry that it didn't work out for you.  I'll see what I can do.


Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/

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Mr.Ripley  -  March 8th, 2012, 5:12pm
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grademan
Posted: March 7th, 2012, 7:40pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Gabe!

Read the first ten pages or so. You’ve improved since I read an early draft of this. Your sentences have more variety and flow better.

The grand tour felt like Willy Wonka. Colorful. Bright. But I was distracted by two things.

Too much attention to directions, numbers, colors and lists of things. It adds a false sense of importance to these scenes and settings. Nine pairs of stages, yikes. Would it be easier to have four corners. Red Corner. For example, instead of telling was what’s on each of the five monitors, show us enough so we know the place is heavily monitored. I bet you can do it in half the space.

Character descriptions could be more visual. Hair is one of those descriptions we try to avoid as a nothing detail. “Dressed in an emulation of a ring master” I realize this is a clue for later but if someone looks like a ringmaster they are a ringmaster. Thuggish is an unusual one. Just say he looks like a thug. (Etc. is always a weak choice when writing visually.)

Not bad for a start Gabe. I’ll read more later.

Gary


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Dreamscale
Posted: March 7th, 2012, 8:42pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from grademan
Hair is one of those descriptions we try to avoid as a nothing detail.


I personally do not have a problem with a description of a character that includes their hair - if it matters, makes them unique in some way, or sets them apart from the other characters.

BUT, you can't start a sentence off with their hairstyle, Gabe.  You just literally cannot do it the way you did it and that was my point.  It is beyond awkward.  I mean, seriously, just read those 2 sentences back out loud and see how they sound to you.

Hopefully, you get lots of feedback here that can help you going forward.

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Ledbetter
Posted: March 7th, 2012, 9:48pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Electric Dreamer
Hey Gabe!

I love the facial expressions on your art.
Very Yellow Submarine. I approve!

Regards,
E.D.


The one on the right reminds me of ZIGGY STARDUST for some reason.

Shawn.....><
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Mr.Ripley
Posted: March 8th, 2012, 5:56am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Gary,


Quoted Text
Read the first ten pages or so. You’ve improved since I read an early draft of this. Your sentences have more variety and flow better.


Thanks.


Quoted Text
The grand tour felt like Willy Wonka. Colorful. Bright.


I'm introducing the audience and reader to this world that the story is going to play out. This intro came out of a Prodigy song I was listening to.  It literally just came to me. lol. No bs.


Quoted Text
But I was distracted by two things.


Why? lol. Hit me.


Quoted Text
Too much attention to directions, numbers, colors and lists of things. It adds a false sense of importance to these scenes and settings. Nine pairs of stages, yikes. Would it be easier to have four corners. Red Corner. For example, instead of telling was what’s on each of the five monitors, show us enough so we know the place is heavily monitored. I bet you can do it in half the space.


Understand. I get wrapped into too much detail. lol. Will check this out.


Quoted Text
Character descriptions could be more visual. Hair is one of those descriptions we try to avoid as a nothing detail. “Dressed in an emulation of a ring master” I realize this is a clue for later but if someone looks like a ringmaster they are a ringmaster. Thuggish is an unusual one. Just say he looks like a thug. (Etc. is always a weak choice when writing visually.)


Alright. In regards to the hair, that's what stood out for me. lol. I suck at character descriptions but I'm always looking to improve.

The ring master. That was more for visual and short. A ring masters deal with circuses but, I liked the colors they wear. So, I made Max dress as a ring master. He's not a real ring master but dressed as one.

Thuggish. I tried to cut down as much words as possible. But I guess some or alot have slipped by me.

Thanks again Gary. Hope you like what's going to come up next.


Jeff,

No worries. Every opinion counts. I can take it when it deals with the writing. I tried to describe the characters more through actions as oppose to physical details. Just give enough descriptions. Sometimes I get it right. Sometimes I don't.  I just need to be told. lol.

Ledbetter

It was unintentional.  I thought it looked more like McD's clown.

Gabe


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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stevie
Posted: March 10th, 2012, 2:43am Report to Moderator
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Hi Gabe.

Have started and read the first 15. I'm getting into it ok. The descriptions and stuff pointed out by Jeff aren't too bad for my reading - if I hadn't of read his reviews, I prolly wouldn't even notice them!  If the story is adequate to drive the reader forward, a lot of that stuff doesn't faze me.

The only gripe I'm seeing is there are quite a few chars to deal with at once but it should be ok further along.

Will continue reading the next few days.



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Mr.Ripley
Posted: March 10th, 2012, 7:06am Report to Moderator
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Thanks Stevie.

Yeah...I really tried to limit the characters. lol. Combining a lot of them. I might have to do that again.

Gabe.


Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages.
https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
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stevie
Posted: March 12th, 2012, 4:20am Report to Moderator
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Gabe, I'm at page 25. I must've missed something as I have no idea what is going on!

I may have to re-read some. I was going ok then the trail vanished! It's not your writing, it's the actual story line.

Will get back to you



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