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The Secret War by 0 - Short - British and German forces search for a girl who possesses supernatural abilities that could help turn the tide of World War 2. - pdf, format
Needs much work, but this one has much potential, and writer seems to have plenty of talent. I'm in a hurry, so I will give a better review later. But I wanted to say this has some good things going for it. The setting and tone are well established, a strong opening image.
I am assuming Ewan will be your protag. If so, you might want to shorten the Poland and Germany scenes to about half what they are. As it is, we meet the protag on page 9, which is kind of late.
If Anna is the protag, we need to know something about her, get a sense of what she's about, what she wants, what her flaw is.
But you're off to a very good start towards a feature. If Ewan is the protag, we have his goal well set up, and we do care whether Anna is rescued. I look forward to seeing where things go.
Usually before reading a OWC script, I'll have look over several before settling, but I saw this and got straight in to it. It's a great logline: concise, compelling and clearly crafting images of what to expect.
It's good work for one week. It's an interesting choice (if in fact it is supposed to be Rudolph Hess - not sure if the 'i' was intentional, a differentiator or simply a spelling error) in calling your SS Commander He(i)ss because of his fate in England, which has been debated ever since. It struck me as incompetent that he took Anna when it wasn't clear she was in fact the one with the powers. It's pretty obvious to us that it's Helene. I couldn't work out (if it is supposed to be Hess), if you've added a clear nod to incompetence (something he was accused of), therefore adding more texture when interwoven with history. Surely it would've made more sense to kill all the men and take all the women? That way there can be no doubt of the identity. That was something that struck me and stuck with me.
You did a good job of showing how ruthlessly evil the Nazis were and it was very vivid. It felt a little anachronistic to me that you showed the men offering Helene a horse and cart. There was a potentially interesting parallel with Braveheart - where of course we see the English being the brutal killers - in how evil destroyed the village. Here we are now in WWII and the Brits are on the other side but the merciless killing is the same, irrespective of nationality. An interesting insight into the human condition.
As you left Helene at the village, there's no leverage for the Nazis when they have Anna at the cell. They're threatening and brutalising her (without a hint of fear of recrimination for doing so - she's supposedly possessing abiliities that could destroy these men, but they treat her like any other prisoner) with no means to derive the outcome they want. You need to introduce additional elements to circumvent that problem.
For a week, this is a well conceived and delivered 10 pages.
Overall I thought that was a pretty good effort - it did appear at bit vague during the beginning (writing style) - and that action scene felt a little bit 'soft' to me - maybe just me, thought.
As things went on, the writing seemed to sharpen up, and what looked like a small story seemed to expand into a bigger picture - I liked that - it expanded well into something that really does have potential for a feature.
The protag issue didn't seem huge to me - you keep the interest, so that it's fine to introduce people later - especially whilst the hint (must be) that Helene and Ewan end up falling in love - and Helene must be drawn to rescuing Anna (who might turn all evil on us).
So good stuff - but I'd still try and liven up some of the action scenes some.
As others have mentioned, there are some things to fix with this one, but it's a great premise for a script.
I'm not sure who the main character is but my first assumption would be Helene. It could also be Anna or Ewan. I'm not too sure.
Some of the dialogue in the beginning sounds a little forced, but that's usually the case in early drafts of scripts. I trust you'd be able to fix that up.
You have an interesting story here and I look forward to reading more.
'Artist' is not a term you should use to refer to yourself. Let others, and your work, do it for you.
Sort of mixed feelings about this. I'm a huge WW2 buff so the log drew me in.
But it seemed to the old 'paint by numbers' thing going on(like what happened in the Halloween challenge last October). You have all the cliched chars - the evil Nazi boss, the cowering villagers, etc. Nothing wrong with this of course, as it's part of period writing. The witch aspect, of her being sought to aid the war effort of both sides, is naturally the key, and those bits were done well.
The writing itself was good, it just needs more original voice. I would read the feature so I say go for it!
Ironically, my initial idea for this OWC was a comedy about witches in WW2...lol
Bravo! Bravo! Thank you...finally...much more than a "good effort". This is, concept wise and setup wise, a great effort. Very well done.
Lots of writing mistakes on display, but overall, these can be overlooked based on such a nice premise, setup, and even execution, overall.
2 things I will stress, are the over abundance of CAPPED words that don't need to be CAPPED and the way too large number of orphans. OK, 3 things - spelling errors that are so easy to fix need attention.
Overall, these are easily fixed and because this "works" so well, no big deal after (in theory) only 1 week's work.
Easily, BY FAR the best of the first 10 I've read so far. This is a great idea that you definitely should continue with. Take your time with it, fix it, clean it up, as the first 10 pages are so important to show what kind of writer you are.
I can easily see interest in your concept, and if you continue in the path you've laid out, you just may have a real winner on your hands here.
Title - doesn't suggest witch but I like it all the same. I love war stories and indeed my last OWC was one
Logline - Better than most. Does it say enough? It is definitely intriguing, to me, but I wonder whether ...but the something happens...could help.
Story - I love it. Ok there are a good few issues but I love a war story and this appealed.
Suggestions;
1) Opening scene - we need to get a feel of the unnormal in a well known world. Ok this pops up in the display, but we don't know that, we don't know what is being hidden. Could there be a scene where she helps a sick child, then is quickly thrown into the mess. Anna sees this so offers herself. We then tie in drama.
2) protag - I would like to see something of him first. The script for seven has Morgan freeman first, but when it was filmed and edited they changed this to reflect who they needed to show first. In this story we are going to track a man going to get this girl. He needs to be more involved early on.
The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards. Third - Honolulu Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
A solid opening with a great premise. This one managed to intro quite a few characters, but did so with clarity and ease. The period detail was good and the pacing was very efficient.
I remember reading how Hitler had a fascination with the occult, so I bought the idea that he would send out his goon squads to track down a witch.
There's a lot of different ways the story could go from here, from a "Saving Private Ryan" style hunt for the witch, to more of a tightly focused "witch vs. Hitler" character piece. Anyway, I'd like to read more. Good job on this one.
Nice work. One of those occasions where I can't really add to whats already been said, unfort.
Leaves the reader wanting more...and would be interesting to see how the writer is going to scruture this into a feature. There's already a 3-pronged story set up after 11 pages, which looks like it could get a bit messy. (However I would guess the Helene character wont be lasting long!)
Good luck if you are gonna continue, and well done if it's already been planned in advance!
I'm a history buff and love studying this era, so if you choose to continue on with a feature I'd recommend reading up on the execution squads that plowed through Polish villages such as the one you opened with. It's a pretty deep story and has offered a lot of insight into the minds of Nazi soldiers. Ordinary Men by Christopher Browning documents them well.
And Helene being kicked out of the village cause she brings a curse with her - can't buy that during WWII. Needs another reason.
But again, the idea is great. Both sides pursuing this woman with special powers. For the challenge she's a witch but maybe just make her something else if you choose to continue.
This would be an interesting one to see how it unfolds.
I liked this one on the whole, it’s set up nicely. The writing was good, needs a bit of a polishing here and there but all easy fixes.
I actually think you gave us too many characters here in the first 10 pages, there was a lot and at one point I had to go back and see when Helene was intro’d because I missed it with all that was happening.
I personally feel the last two scenes, the village and England need to be swapped around for a better impact, maybe not for this challenge because it ends well but for the feature overall. It would introduce Ewan earlier and then we skip to Helene being thrown from the village. Just a thought.
I think you’ve got a strong premise here, hope you carry it on.
Awesome!! This was an easy and interesting read and is definitely my favorite;) I could totally see this playing out in my head as I read. IMHO, this has huge potential.
I was a bit confused with the characters in the beginning (Anna & Helene, particularly), but once I looked back it made sense.