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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Horror Scripts  ›  The Velvet Elvis Moderators: bert
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  Author    The Velvet Elvis  (currently 1509 views)
Don
Posted: March 20th, 2012, 5:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Velvet Elvis by Brenton Lonkey - Horror - A black Elvis impersonator struggles trying to juggle both his music career and his full-time job hunting demons in Hollywood. 102 pages - pdf, format


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nawazm11
Posted: April 27th, 2012, 6:02am Report to Moderator
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Read one and a half pages. Didn't stop cause it was bad, the writing was actually pretty decent. I'll read a little more if you're around.

Btw, "You gotta pay me first, nigga." Hahahha. Not sure why he would say that to a white guy, but alright.
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stevemiles
Posted: May 1st, 2012, 9:59am Report to Moderator
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Brenton,

got to about page 25.  Liked the concept of a black Elvis demon hunter, so I was looking more at the story than anything else.  So far it moves along at a steady pace.  There were some nice flashes of dialogue with the banter back and forth between the characters.  Though in places it seemed to just run for the sake of it.  I’d say less is always more and there’s plenty to trim here without losing the feel of the characters.

Not sure about the continuous ‘nigga’ references between Samael and Velvis.  These felt a little flat after a while, but that's purely opinion.

You seemed to go round in circles on the point of what to do with Sammy.  Get rid of her?  Let her tag along?  She seems destined to stay so make a call and move on.
I’d also question having a character called Sammy and another called Samael?.  They may sound different phonetically but on paper...

Was hoping for a little more action when Velvis goes after Seth, maybe show what Velvis is all about.  The scene built up then just kind of fizzled out with Seth escaping.  

So far a nice set-up, I’m interested to see where it goes, plenty of room for both horror and laughs in here (hoping that’s what you were aiming for).
I too will keep reading if you’re around.

Steve.


My short scripts can be found here on my new & improved budget website:


http://stevemiles80.wixsite.com/sjmilesscripts
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