The League Undisclosed by Renee Joynson (bflywings) - Drama - When an aspiring writer falls for a pro football player her world turns into a web of lies and betrayal after a terrible incident on a night out with the team leads to her seeing no other option but to escape. 94 pages - pdf, format

Congrats finishing a screenplay! That's a task in itself.

Here are my thoughts:

I think you can make your first page stronger. Someone waking up and then typing her story and flashes back doesn't sound too exciting. If you're going to use a flash forward setup, make sure the "flash scene" is an exciting one (i.e. first scene in Breaking Bad's pilot episode).

You're writing style has very long paragraphs. For example:

Nicole enters the stylish, tropical bar. Music plays loud. A
small crowd dances on the dance floor. People throw darts at
the board in the corner. Others sits along the bar waiting to
be served, drinking and talking among themselves.

This can be broken down into 3 separate action lines. One line will be for Nicole. Another can show people throwing darts and another showing people at the bar. Or condense it to two separate lines: one with Nicole and then the rest of the bar patrons.

You also have a camera direction on page 1. I'd ditch this and just write "Blue skies...etc."

Good luck!

Thank you for your input kingcooky555, I've revised this script so much that I really needed a fresh set of eyes.

I understand exactely what you are saying and have just spent a couple of hours revising and fixing it up again which, call me crazy, but I love to do.

So again, many thanks. Your input has helped

Hey Renee,

Firstly, congrats on finishing a feature script. A feat on its own and something for me yet to accomplish so kudos on that.

I gave your first 10 pages a read today. I’ll be honest and say that the first 10 pages haven’t really done it for me, there’s not a lot happening at the moment but I’ll wait until reading further on to give you a overview.

The writing here is good, you’re new to this like me and I think you’ve done a fine job for a first script. My main complaint would be that you have a habit of over-writing, a lot superfluous detail that could easily be cut out for a cleaner read.  Some good stuff and you can see that you’ve put a lot of effort into learning the art of screenwriting which some don’t and throw scripts up without ever even reading a script. It shows commitment to your writing and script and that’s a good start IMO.

These are the notes I took during the read:

P.1 I would take the title off page 1, not needed IMO.

Eric’s description is not great and is not descriptive at all in fact. How would the viewer know these things about him from watching him sleep?

Same with Nicole as well, we cannot see characters personal traits. Try to show instead of tell.

“lay” Wonder if lies would be better here.

I can already see from the first page that you’re over-writing scenes with superfluous details. You don’t have to tell the reader everything. Try to cut down the action sentences, it’s not that they’re long but they can definitely be cleaned up and shortened.

“Nicole sneaks out of bed, trying carefully not to wake Eric.
She tip-toes across the bedroom and walks down the hallway to
the...”

Could be...

“Nicole sneaks out of bed, tip-toes across the bedroom and exits”

“waits for it to load.” Although true, always waiting for mine to load but would it look good on camera and is it really important to the story? Cut to the chase and get rid of some of the superfluous details that add nothing to the story. Just a thought.

A big no-no here with the camera direction, try to avoid this in a spec. Also have to ask whether this scene is a flashback scene at the beach? If so, then you should probably state this with a BEGIN FLASHBACK transition.

Beach doesn’t need to be capped in the action.

“Teenagers sun bake” do you mean sunbathe?

P.2 A few awkward phrases here and there with the footballers.

Juzzy’s intro like the others could do with some work. All the intro’s need to be reworked IMO. Things like thoughtful and trying to keep a bad boy edge are not visual. Of course your character can be thoughtful but find a way to show this to the reader rather than telling us.

P.3 “Dave, 28” Not capped on first intro.

Try to avoid “ing” words if possible, I’ve seen a few instances when it would read a lot better without them.

This whole scene with the footballers at the beach reads so corny and reminds me of the Top Gun volley ball scene with “hanging with the boys” playing over the top. Hopefully this is not the image you were going for?

P.4 “EXT. FOOTPATH – DAY” I personally don’t think footpath on its own is a great slug.

The whole scene with the ice cream is over written IMO, it could easily be whittled down to one paragraph.

“the front of Nicole’s clothes.” Clothes or shirt, top?

P.6 No need for some of the parenthetical’s in the dialogue. It is sometimes stating the obvious as they are mentioning who they’re talking to by name, it’s wasted space.

The major problem for me so far is I’m not hooked into your story, it feels more like a soap story so far I’m sorry to say.

Nicole is having problems with Eric and then we go back to when they first met. The problem so far would be that I still know nothing substantial about them up to page 10.

I don’t feel connected to Nicole, I personally feel you need some more action going on in the first couple of pages. Something to connect us to the problem she will face.

Of course this is just my opinion on the first 10 pages so it could change the further I read on so I’ll wait to give judgement until continuing a bit further into the story.

Just remember, like the recent OWC that your first 10 pages need to entice the reader and make us want to read on. Some might even say they’re the most important because if you haven’t kept the reader interested then they’re not going to continue.

I’ll continue on as time allows.

Have a good week.

Steve

Hi Renee - quite a nice piece - the opening is a little bit slow - and like some of the comments here - it could be tightened up a little bit. After page 7 or so, you do seem to warm to your theme.

I quite liked Lucy - but I did find it strange that Nicole went to work in a bakery - also felt that it may have been useful to bring in Lucy a little earlier - she adds a nice demension to it.

Overall it was pretty well written, little in the way of grammar mistakes etc, and it was an easy ready - easy on the eye.

The ice-cream scene is probably a little superfluous. I know it's a cliche, but simply having a stray football plonk on Nicole's head is just as effective as it brings the guys together, and that's all we really want to do.

Having Nicole take a last minute change of mind to join Eric I think is good, and having her in 'his territory' makes her more vulnerable -  but again, this could probably have been done effectively without her airport scene.

I'd probably agree that Nicole's character could do with fleshing out some - but that may come with a rewrite.

Couple of minors here:

p.20
# buts in
-- should be 'butts in'?

p.34
# Beside service
-- should be 'Bedside service'?

p.38
# He is smiles
-- 'He smiles'

Apart from that, nicley written - wish you the best with it.

Steve and 007 (or should I call you bond?), thanks for your comments, very much appreciated.
I agree with you both on it being too long to get into, so I've cut Cody speaking at the start, Nicole's bathroom scene, outside the pub scene and Nicole's airport scene when she leaves. After you pointed it out - I did realize that these scenes were unnecessary and now the pace has been quickened. I have also changed Nicole to sleeping at the start then she jolts awake.

Steve,
The main place that I got most of my script research says that it is customary to add the title at the top of the first page, but I have now found another site that says not to do it, so I am now confused, but I've taken it off the revised copy.
Although I do agree, after looking at it again, about changing the character despriptions a little, I looked it up and the best site that had examples of scripts from popular movies stated that:
'Most good screenwriters cheat a little, particularly when introducing a character. Since the screenwriter has mere words, it’s generally okay to throw an unfilmable sentence or two at a particularly important moment. And there’s no more important moment in the script than the introduction of a key character. The best character introductions tend to include both a sense of what you see (the character’s physical appearance) and an intriguing tidbit about their personality and/or situation.'
But I do have some non-important characters that also have long decriptions that need fixing too.
Again thanks for your comments - everything helps.

SiColl007,
I'm glad that you liked it and thanks for your nice comments.
I did have another scene with Lucy and Nicole after Eric had proposed, but I removed it. I'll now think about putting it back in.
Thank you for pointing out the issues on pg 20, 34 and 38 - now fixed.
I did think about the football hitting Nicole, but it's the exact same opening as 'Just Married', so I didn't want to pinch it. If it really doesn't fit then I'll try to come up with another idea. Thanks again.

Hey Renee,

I have continued on from page 10 today.  The writing is good, neat and tidy. My only complaint like before would be about the overwriting but I still suffer from this. I think this gets better the more you read and write, it’s about telling more with less.

Also some of the dialogue felt unnatural and on the nose to me, especially when Nicole explains her past to Eric in the hotel room.

And like before I think the character intro’s need work but this is just my opinion.

Other than that it’s been a very good read and I’m impressed with your writing. Good work!

These are the notes I took:

P.20 “name” Should be names.

P.21 “buts” Should be butts.

P.23 “EXT. POND – DAY (SUNSET)” Get rid of day and just have sunset.

Also like the use of “ute” I’ve never seen that in a screenplay.

Side question while I think about it. What “football” do you mean here? Is it Aussie rules? Or Soccer? Maybe a silly question but I come from England where we call soccer its rightful name of football but in Oz it’s called soccer. Just curious as it’s never explained in the script so far.

P. 25 Always try to keep paragraphs to 4 lines max, less is better.

Did we meet Mick? I can’t remember.

Why would Nicole sweep in such revealing attire? Hardly work clothes.

P. 26 “I Will do.” “will” doesn’t need to be capped.

P. 28 I would personally cut down on the wrylies, they are unnecessary sometimes.

I’ll stop at page 29 today and will hopefully finish this later in the week.

I’m still finding it difficult to get into this story, sorry to say. I find Nicole and Eric very boring and to be honest, all the side characters like Juzzy are more interesting at the moment.

Have a good one.

Steve

Hey Renee,

I continued on a bit more tonight and these are the notes during the read.

P.29 “Bar tenders” Believe this should be one word.

“Eric hands him a birthday card with cash inside” I have to ask how we would know there is cash inside? Cody doesn’t open the card?

“They all clang their shot glasses together” Wonder if you mean “clink” instead of clang?

P.30 “INT. “RODNEY’S” BAR – NIGHT (LATER)”

Honestly think you could take night out here, in fact you could just have a mini-slug “later”

“A wave of sickness becomes Nicole.” This reads a bit awkward.

P.31 Juzzy’s driving home? Wouldn’t he be drunk as well? The character you’ve built him to be surely would be so I think there needs to be some information here as to why he’s driving and hasn’t been drinking unless he’s drink driving of course?

P.33             JUZZY
        Had a little bit too much to
        drink?

Didn’t like this line. Hopefully this isn’t supposed to be a serious question? Juzzy can’t be that stupid?

P.34 “Beside service.” Should be “bedside”

P.38 “He is smiles” should be “He smiles”

Watch out for repetitive use of words in your action, it happens quite a lot in the first 40 pages.

“A car stops outside the house.” This is telling IMO, we’re apparently in the kitchen so how do we see the car outside?

P.39 “counting the till.” Is she literally counting the till or the money from the till?

“disturbing the piece.” Should be peace.

“they’ve grow up” Grown instead of grow.

P.40       “And it would have to be good
           evidence because those boys will
           always stick up for one another.”

Not a fan of this dialogue, it’s like she already knows something? This whole scene felt wrong with Lucy, it was too on the nose for me.

P.41 “She takes a deep breathes” think it should be “breath.”

“EXT. SUBURBAN STREET – DAY – AFTERNOON”

Didn’t like this slug, why have afternoon and day?

P.46 “the pink evening gown that Eric bought” This is a perfect example of a line that could be tightened easily. In the scene before this, we found out Eric bought the gown so why have it in the action here? It’s just redundant IMO.

P.49 “Cody walks up to Eric, holding his clothes.” How did Cody get his clothes? He was wearing them before?

I stopped at page 51 tonight and hope to finish this up tomorrow or Wednesday.

I’ll give some thoughts on the story after I’ve finished but it’s definitely picking up now after a slow start.

Cheers.

Steve

Hey Renee,

Finished up today on your first script and wanted to mention again how good this is for a first feature. The writing on the whole is good. My major problem was the overwriting like I mentioned before, this needs to be tightened and a lot of the superfluous detail taken out. Also remember to keep the action to 4 lines max, less is better of course.

The wrylies need to be cut down, they need to be used more sparingly IMO. Now I don’t normally mention this but there were a lot of orphans in your script. I think the recent thread just made them stand out more to me when reading and it’s something to look out for and could help in saving you some space here.

Also watch out for repetitive use of words and expressions. I could have found many upon many times of someone taking a “deep breath” or “drives away”.

I guess why I’m on the writing, I wasn’t a fan of your character intro’s and although you’ve explained your reasoning which I accept BTW. It was random characters that never came across right like the nurse and the receptionist at the news building for example. They had a couple of lines but we were told about their appealing, welcoming smile. Not needed IMO.

Lastly, the last 15 pages, especially the chase scene with Juzzy and Nicole felt messy and the slugs never worked for me. I would clean that up and make it clearer for a better visual read.

The story started slow and this needs to be rectified straight away, you need to entice the reader to continue and this never got going until after page 30.

I thought the middle section was the best part with the drugging of Nicole and could feel for Nicole’s situation. She was between a rock and a hard place and it was a real dilemma for her whether to tell Eric or not and would he trust her or his friends. This is the part of the story I feel you need to expand and concentrate more on.

I think it fell apart after Nicole disappeared and Eric went to visit Ben, the story then became too coincidental for my liking. The fact that Ben lived in the town where Nicole is and the random newspaper was a real cliché scene, even the fake death felt out of place.

So then we come to final act, a plan to get a confession out if Juzzy which I have to admit, I didn’t think he gave. Nothing worked for me in this part at all I’m sorry to say, from the party with masks to a secret wire and the cat and mouse chase down random alleys. I don’t know, just thought there was a more clever way to catch Juzzy in the act. Also, Juzzy was just so stupid, why try to kill Nicole? She has no real evidence as far as I could see?

The ending was happy and sweet, also nice that you tied Nicole’s back story in at the end with her parents.

I think this would have been stronger if you had come to the punch quicker and then concentrated on Nicole’s character arc, get rid of the fake death side story. The reader begins to feel for her then she disappears, why not let her struggle continue. It would have been good to see her fragile character get stronger on her own rather than missing two years of her life.

The characters were weak IMO: Nicole is fine, needs to be developed a bit more overall but okay.  The rest felt flat with me sorry to say. Eric was poor and needed more to do, Juzzy come off as one of those rich “my father’s the sheriff, mayor” type that we’ve seen hundreds of times. I don’t think he was a bad antag but I would have liked to have seen more of him before the main plot point with Nicole. Think his character needed to be set-up better.

The rest, mainly the football team just didn’t stand out and were all the same character really, no individual personalities at all.

Ben came in too late and felt exactly like the device he was supposed to be “move the story along character” He had no personal story, he was there when needed to drive a car, break into a laptop etc. This is fine of course, every story has them but they sometimes have their own side plot or something to tie them into the overall story. Just a thought as he comes across as so random and lazy at the moment, feel he needs more depth other than a quick mention that he hates the football team because they bullied him at high school.

Overall it’s a good piece for a first feature and you should be proud as this is nowhere near as bad as some I’ve read and had it definitely had its moments but I’m afraid it doesn’t quite work for me at this present time.

I think with a rewrite, tightening the action and fleshing out some of the characters more, this has potential.  

These are the notes I took during the read:

P.51 ”Can you seen anything?” typo here, seen should be see.

“EXT.FISHING BOAT – DAY” Spacing in the slugs is off and has changed here for some reason?

Some lines of action on this page so far:

“desperation in his eyes”

“determination on his face.”

“sadness on his face”

Too much of this kind of description IMO and something to look out for on a rewrite.

P.52 “and going inside.” Typo, goes instead of going.

P.58 “Eric pushes himself up out off the sofa to stand.” This doesn’t sound right at all. “Out” shouldn’t be in this sentence.

P.59 Okay, I suspected that Ben would unlock the laptop in a couple of minutes so the whole sequence before is superfluous for me, it adds nothing more to the story IMO. We learn that the team were idiots in high school but that was pretty evident from what they’re like now.

P.62 “Eric looks up at the roof” Think you mean ceiling as they’re inside.

P.63 “the centre of the town.” Take out the second “the”

P. 65 “She out on assignment today” She should be “She’s”

P.67 “I buried and empty coffin.” Typo, an instead of and.

I’ve noticed that the characters say each other’s names a lot in the dialogue. I think this is unusual, think about when you speak to your friends, do you always say their names like this. Just a thought.

P.75 “He opens his laptop and plugs his earphones in.” How do we see this? The scene is set outside the town hall? There have been quite a lot of inconsistencies with the slugs IMO.

P.77 “I don’t know how much longer I can keep up this façade.” A bit early don’t you think for this line, they’ve literally been doing this façade for what, 30 seconds?

“Dave puts on hand on Eric’s chest.” Typo, think you meant “one” instead of “on” Or “a”?

P.78 “finally move on.” Personally would have preferred moving over move here.

“INT. TOWN HALL – NIGHT (LATER)”

Think a mini slug “later” would have sufficed here. Either that or take out “night”

P.79 “clang” Again, like before think this should be clink?

“What he’s trying say is that we’re happy you’ve moved.” Missing “on” at the end of this line.

P.80 ”Juzzy puts his arm in the air.” Why? Is he at school?

This doesn’t seem to be playing out right? Juzzy surely wouldn’t do this again to a random date of Eric’s? He has no idea who this woman is?

P.81 “Eric pretends to be happy.” Not a fan of this line.

P.82 “that Eric had given Ben” Just another example of superfluous material in the action that has already been explained. I honestly think this whole script could be shortened by 5 to 10 pages, maybe more.

P.83 “I took a sip, I hope you don’t mind?” Think this would read better if the “I” was taken out before hope.

                       JUZZY
             My father’s the chief of police
             around here. I don’t think we’re
             gonna get pulled over tonight.

Well this explains one of my earlier comments. Still doesn’t feel right that Eric would have let Juzzy drive Nicole home knowing he’s drunk.

“He drives around town” Thought they were going to Eric’s house?

P.85 “Thanks for the confession Juzzy.” What confession? Don’t think what he said could be considered as a confession. Could be wrong of course.

P.86 Need a change of slug here when Nicole exits the jeep.

P.88 “No. She’ll never make.” Missing “it” at the end of this line.

“EXT. STREET – NIGHT”

Not a great slug IMO. Why not Williams Street? That’s where she told Eric she was?
“Juzzy’s runs” How many Juzzy’s are there?

“She runs towards the road at the end at the end of the side
street.” Take out one of these.

Throughout there has been a lot of “catching, taking a deep breath” Something to look out for, it becomes repetitive and overused.

P.89 this whole action scene is messy IMO, we’re going left and right down roads, alleys, parking lots and steps and it’s all under the same slug. It’s getting confusing and that is never a good thing.

P.91                    NICOLE
               Wouldn’t you be out of bullets by
               now?

Depends on the gun? As it’s a pistol and there are many varieties, it’s most likely he wouldn’t even be close. Again this depends on if it was a full clip or not? Maybe it was a rhetorical question…oops.

P.93 definitely need some change of slugs here.

P.95 “Eric, distressed, lifts Nicole’s lifeless body into his arms.” No! Never do this, don’t move an injured person and take pressure from the wound, this is basic first aid stuff…just kidding of course but in all seriousness, what is Eric trying to achieve? The paramedics are there.

“NICOLE’S P.O.V. – THROUGH CLOSED EYES”

Seems strange to have a P.O.V through closed eyes?

“light pink uniform” Funny colour for a nurses uniform?

P.96 “beside” Typo, should be bedside.

P.100 Another camera direction at the end here.

Hope this helps.

All the best with it, Renee.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Sorry it's taken me so long to reply Steve, haven't been able to do it for the last couple of weeks.
Thanks for your very detailed and indepth feedback, very much appreciated. I didn't realize that I had so many typo's - thanks for pointing them all out.
As for the fake death - I've been told by other readers before that it was a 'brilliant' twist - so I am going to stick with it - but thank you for your opinion. I might drag the middle out a little longer and maybe add a mini confrontation between Eric and Nicole where she tries to tell him before the cruise.  I am also going to change up their reunion. Still trying to figure it out though - any suggestions?
Plus I think Im going to change the chase scene as well, I always felt like I wanted to make it more of a League thing against Eric not just a Juzzy thing at the end - hence the title 'The League Undisclosed', but never realy came up with a good idea until now - so I was thinking about having Eric write a note about what has happened and advising that the team should be investigated to one of the constables, but because the whole town is like a little alliance, the contstable takes the note to the cheif and he confronts Juzzy and tells him that he'd better sort it out. Juzzy takes the note to the team and they get pissed off and a full blown confrontation happens between the team, Eric and Nicole at the end of season party, where Eric and Nicole enter thinking that they have the upper hand but they dont.
Opinions??

Thanks again.

Renee.

Thanks to everyone who reviewed the original version. The latest version is now up and I would really like to know anyone's thoughts on it. Your opinions last time helped to shape the way it has turned out now, hopefully it is a lot better.  

Hi Renee - I saw this dropping off, so I thought I bump it up some. I'll try and do a proper read soon, but I can't fit it in immediately.

From the off, this is a full step ahead of the previous version, so get whoever is closest to you to pat your back.

Couple of things first, and then hopefully I'll get a read in this week:

1. Just to avoid looking like an out-of-the-gate newbie, your page numbering: First page (FADE IN:) gets left blank, and numbering starts from page 2. (page 2 is numbered page 2).

2. Your second sentence doesn't work as it should to my mind. It almost works to visual and subject passivity. It may be better to go for the boat in the distance first, and then a separate line for all the party-goers and associated description.

Page one packs a lot in without rushing - I like that. Some I'm sure will be irked by the V.O., but I guess that's a personal choice.

Nice description of Nicole - immediately shows a conflicted character.

So by page 2 you actually got more in here than you did in five pages of the previous? Good stuff. Like the way you played Eric and Juzzy - we've got these guys in an instance.

I'll try and do a better read, but so far it's looking peach.

Simon

Thanks Simon. Much appreciated.

Just wondering how to change the page numbering - I tried deleting 1. from the header on the first page and it deleted all page numbers, so I'm not sure what to do. I'm using Script Smart Gold US and converting it with Cute PDF Writer, if that helps any.

The second line - I'll see how I can work it better.

I saw on another thread that a few people hated V.O, but yeah, it's my personal choice to add it and there is a lot of it during the midpoint - I kind of need it work in this script, so hopefully it does.

Many thanks for the praise - means alot to be moving forward, definitely brightened my day.

Oh - and I added another scene with Lucy - hope you like.  

Renee

This is quite accomplished for a first script -- a clean, easy read -- though I have to admit my attention did wander at points during the first half of this story.  This script is clearly coming from a feminine point of view, without much for the guys; at least, not early on.

Ultimately, however, I was glad I stuck it out -- because you do construct a pretty terrific midpoint break to shoot this story off into an entirely new direction.  It was at that point I became genuinely interested in where you were going.

The whirlwind courtship between Nicole and Eric proceeded kind of fast, but in retrospect I suppose there was nothing I could not buy into on the screen with the right actors in place.

An important point, however, is that I could not buy Nicole agreeing to a ride home from Juzzy -- and particularly less so when Eric is a party to this decision.  That was just too contrived.

Of course, the whole story hinges on these two finding themselves alone at some point, but you should find a different mechanism to accomplish this -- and more importantly, Eric should not be complicit in these circumstances.  For what you are trying to accomplish with Nicole, this poor lapse in judgment should be hers and hers alone to bear.  This serves to make her anguish more complete as a character, and helps lend more credence to what she does later.  

I also found some of the exposition is a bit clunky.  Like when the wives discuss the ongoing feud between Eric and Juzzy, or when Nicole reveals her past to Eric, then apologizes for "...rambling all of that off to you."  It was almost like you were apologizing to us, the reader haha.  

It is a very difficult trick to deliver backstory in a way that feels organic to the story.  Bogart is supposed to have once said, "Whenever I have to deliver exposition, I hope they put two camels behind me f***ing so the audience will have something interesting to watch!"  For this script, when you move to exposition, you need to find something like Bogart's camels.

Juzzy is fine as your amoral antagonist, but he could be far more menacing.  Apart from his violation of Nicole, after that, his actions are pretty much confined to following her around in his car and occasionally shouting things from the window.  Step him up.  Make him much, much worse.

You have all the makings of a nice noir thriller in place, but it lacks a bit of weight in its current form, and if you are willing to go there, I think this piece would benefit greatly from going a bit darker.  More violence from Juzzy throughout, both real and implied, to up the stakes.  Nicole has a great deal of inner turmoil, but it is not until the end that we ever get the sense she is actually in any danger here, and I think she should be.  She needs to be terrified.

And while you have the "cute" angle nailed for the relationship between Eric and Nicole, there are only hints of the sexuality that must be there somewhere.  Because you do so well with Juzzy as a sexual predator early on, maybe look to him for some inspiration to exploit elsewhere.  Instead of having Nicole repulsed by Juzzy, some hints of a "bad-boy" attraction could spice things up and make his eventual betrayal all the more terrifying for Nicole, given the additional baggage that comes with self-doubt and ambiguity.  

I am sure it must sound incredibly trite to say what this script needs is "more sex and violence."  You do have a great skeleton here for your story -- particularly the midpoint that turns everything on its ear -- but for sheer marketability you need to dig into some darker places and dredge up a little more ugly in this story.

I would also recommend the 1991 film "Sleeping with the Enemy" if you have not already seen it.  A very different story, but explores some of the same themes, and Julia Roberts and Nicole end up having a great deal in common over the course of the film.  It is not the greatest movie, but you might well find a little something to take away from it.

Nice work here.  Let me know if any of my comments need additional clarification.

Okay - haven't managed to read all of this yet - hopefully I''ll get to read the las to fit later.

It's still over-written in the first fifty pages or so, and from I can see the structure is wrong.

Make s it a bit tricky as I've not read the whole thing, and the mid-twist changes everything so that makes things tricky.

You've foreshadowed stuff, but I get the feeling that the opener needs to be more up-front - I just have the feeling of close up of water - then bang! as a body hits it. It felt okay in the initial read, but then I didn't feel that the person hitting the water had any impact - so when I found they did - that changed thing and I felt you really needed to go for literally and metophorically a bigger impact.

I don't think you get to your key themes quick enough. The story themes are (and I haven't finished it so can't totally tell, but):
1. Back-drop: Group using GBH.
2. Juzzy targets Nicole.
3. Conflict: Eric part of group.
4. Eric Nicole relationship.

I think the themes need to be brought forward somewhat so that they are set a little earlier - Juzy vs Eric is not outlines only referred to - this could easily be a central conflict.

Eric comes accross tooo bland - I think he needs to conflict with Nicole a bit more - "I love her but she's always like ..."

Lucy relationship - Lucy is very flat. I like the relationship - like a mother figure, but often the dialogue is over-long, and the Lucy character never really comes to life.

She looks at the phone then takes her anger out on it,
smashing it against the bench until it’s completely broken.
-- is a bit tell not show.

Post Nicole disapearing the writing seems to get better - didn't understand why this was -- but the whole thing (not just the writing) was a bit more edgy.

I'll try and finish later.