Timeshare by John Whetstone - Short, Drama - A lonely retiree living in Florida attends high pressure timeshare sales pitch meetings just so people will pay attention to him. 11 pages - pdf, format

This was a little difficult to finish.  It actually felt like a time share sales pitch at times, and I can't tell if that's a good thing or a bad thing.  

There were a couple glaring formatting issues, like cutting dialogue from one page to the next and capitalizing PAUL more than once.

This is sad tale about an old guy who just wants someone to talk to, which you conveyed pretty well.  You could have told the same story in fewer pages though.

I would have liked it if Paul got the time share for 90% off.

Timeshare

I liked your theme about growing older and needing someone to talk to when your family outgrows you.
However, you might have picked a more interesting setting.
We've all been through these timeshare meetings, so we know unless they offer a really cool gift, they can be the most grueling two hours of anyone's life.
And if your character insisted on attending timeshare presentations for the human contact, it might be funny to have him volunteer to do odd jobs for them or even have him join the sales team.
You can keep the sadness and lonliness, but lose some of the cruelty.

Good idea though.

SPOILERS




I thought I knew where this was going at the end of page 1 when Joe asks "How many vacations do you take every year?"

I was only half right. I thought the guy would go to these timeshares to get free food and gifts.

I got kind of lost with all the names, Pete, Paul, Joe.
I think the main guy's name should have been Joe, not a sales rep. He could say something like, I'm just an average Joe. I think I could have singled him out better that way as a reader.

It's sad about him wanting to spend time with someone, but I felt like it didn't fit the beginning of the script. It was like there were two scripts glued together.

The beginning read more like a comedy. The ending like a bitter sweet drama.

Maybe if you start the script with him on the ipad with his son and then go to him sitting at a fancy table in a dining room at the timeshare it might tie it together better. That way we might get a sense that he is doing this for the company.

Hope I've helped. Let me know if you do a rewrite.  

Cindy

Thanks for taking the time to read the script. First off, this ain't a comedy.  It's a portrait of what life is actually like for some older people.  Although it may be cruel, I believe its a story that needs to be told  It's a script for a short film with a strong moral, not a sugarcoated Hollywood thriller.

So whats my point?  I would love to have people who eventually see this film to pick up the f'ing phone and call their dad, mom, grandmother or grandfather.  Spend some time with them. Paul is not a real person but he could be.

As far as the formatting stuff, the dialogue cutting was a result of the upload.  Thanks again for reading. I'm not against Hollywood movies. I love them. But there should be a place for films that ring true, that send a message.

Best,
John