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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Series  ›  In God We Trust Moderators: bert
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  Author    In God We Trust  (currently 2785 views)
Don
Posted: March 30th, 2012, 4:35pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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In God We Trust by Reginald Beltran (kingcooky555) - Series - Sixteen months after beating election fraud charges, Nucky Thompson regains his Treasurer post to build America's premiere convention center, but old and new rivals plot against him.  56 pages - pdf, format


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mcornetto  -  June 30th, 2012, 5:52pm
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Ledbetter
Posted: March 30th, 2012, 10:23pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Reginald,

As soon as I saw this was yours, I wanted to put it aside for reading this weekend.

I’m not sure, so I thought I would ask but is BOARDWALK EMPIRE a show you are writing for or is it a series you are starting yourself?

The reason I ask is because it sounds familiar. I don’t watch much T.V. so I just wanted to know.

Let me give this a read over the weekend and I’ll get back to you. I can say, after skimming the first few pages, it’s apparent you have you writing skill honed. It reads very well my friend.

More to come after I give it a read.

Shawn…..><
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kingcooky555
Posted: March 30th, 2012, 10:33pm Report to Moderator
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It's based on an HBO show. I'm writing it as I intend to submit it to the Disney/WB contests. Hopefully, I've captured the tone/character of Nucky, Lucky, Harrow, et. all.

Any comments would be appreciated.

thanks.

RB
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Ledbetter
Posted: March 30th, 2012, 10:42pm Report to Moderator
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I'm not to sure I'm qualified to offer any opinions on this with regards to the story seeing that I have no idea of the show you are writing this for.

I will, however be happy to offer any advice I can give on the structure of the script if you like.

I can tell you that the structure overall looks great.

Shawn.....><
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CoopBazinga
Posted: April 15th, 2012, 7:04am Report to Moderator
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Hey Reginald,

I thought I would open this one up today, I’m a big fan of the show although I’m a bit behind on season 2 at the moment.

I see your entering this into a comp so firstly, just wanted to wish you good luck with it.

I have to say that I thought this was good, really good in fact. I think you’ve done an excellent job with the characters and the kept the plot running at a nice pace.

I also enjoyed the writing, this read really quick and I couldn’t fault much throughout which is always a good thing. My biggest compliment would be that I stopped taking notes after half way and just enjoyed the story.  Anything I would or did point out is picky and nothing that would ever hurt the read IMO.

These are the little notes I took:

P.1 “Only a campfire provide sufficient light” think this should be “provides”

P.4 “Richard takes out a scissor and cuts out the article.” Think it would read better like “Richard takes out a pair of scissors”

P.8 “Everyone drinks their glass in one shot.” Are they drinking the glass or the contents in the glass? I would this line clearer.

P.9 “It’s the size of his rifle.” Thought this line was unnecessary detail.

P.21 “The young man’s WIFE enter the room.” Enter should be “enters”

Nice job with this one, wish you all the best in the competition.

Cheers.

Steve.




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kingcooky555
Posted: April 16th, 2012, 8:37pm Report to Moderator
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Hey,

Thanks for reading this. I'll certainly make those adjustments. Those are pesky little things that I sometimes miss.

I'm glad you enjoyed the read. I enjoyed writing this piece. I think BE is getting into the interesting parts of the 1920's, and can't wait what they do with next season.

Cheers.

RB
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CoopBazinga
Posted: April 17th, 2012, 10:33am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from kingcooky555
can't wait what they do with next season. RB


I can! I've still got to catch up on the second series yet.

How did you get on in the competition if you don't mind me asking? Or haven't you heard yet?

Steve
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kingcooky555
Posted: April 17th, 2012, 12:16pm Report to Moderator
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The applications don't open up until May for most of them. So I'm using this time to make any updates/improvements/revisions.

Thanks again for the comments.
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khamanna
Posted: June 30th, 2012, 3:16am Report to Moderator
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HI, Reginald. Could you please give a link to the series - I tried to look this up on IMDB but couldn't find it.

I'm reading it now. Haven't seen the show but thinking I'll still be able to comment on the plot.

So far, for a show it's a bit overwritten for me. But that's no big deal - I wrote New Girl and then looked at the pilot (the script can be found online) - it was not in the format of the scripts here, it was more relaxed etc.
So, if they think what I think they won't pay attention to it - in other words they won't think what I think

Good luck to you with it!
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kingcooky555
Posted: June 30th, 2012, 7:11am Report to Moderator
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This is the first draft of this script. I didn't want to bother Don by putting up a revised script as I've gotten some helpful feedback already. Here is the last and latest version:

https://dl.dropbox.com/u/86037142/BoardwalkEmpire_RBeltran.pdf

If possible, maybe an admin can change the file above to the link?

Anyway thanks for reading khamanna. I didn't create the proper Act breaks as it's HBO, but I've read even HBO shows should be formatted into Acts. Too late now I guess. Any comments on plot, formatting. Any comments at all would be good.

Here is the wiki for the show:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Boardwalk_Empire

Here is the list of episodes/synopsis of each season:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/List_of_Boardwalk_Empire_episodes

Again, thanks for the read. Let me know if you've got anything you'd like comments/reads on.

MAC: link changed

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mcornetto  -  June 30th, 2012, 5:52pm
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khamanna
Posted: August 5th, 2012, 4:26am Report to Moderator
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Overall opinion:
I think:

Your dialog is great as always. I could easily visualize the actors as I read it - I think writing for drama characters is much harder than for something like sitcom characters and you did a wonderful job. Especially Nucky. There's no line that I would single out and complain about - the dialog just flowed.

At the same time it's full of texture: the great builder part, Nucky's talk with McGarry when he asks Teddy for his vote, Owen and Teddy - when Owen shows Teddy a trick, "the whores part" - when they arrive at a way to distribute the cocaine --and many other great moments that make it worth reading.

I liked the opening, but you never explained Richard any better - I guess you left it for the episodes to follow. So, I don't know why Richard in the woods and what he wants. I'd want to see a little more about him in your episode.


You explained Nucky, Gillian and Margaret.

I know what ails Margaret and that was my favorite part of your spec.

Gillian - I know what she'll be worried about in the episodes to follow - I see a great potential here. Don't want to disclose too much here, but the fact that we should worry for Tommy from now on makes me want to read more.

Nucky - I see what he wants. I see what he got and how it will be affecting the people around. However, I wish there was some challenge for him. I also wish you showed us more implication of his doing in your episode, just to make us feel for these people a bit more.
So, if you asked me to point out what I consider the weakest part - I'd say you didn't go deep enough with Nucky. although, the set up is pretty rich and brings a lot to the table.

I don't know what your cliffhanger was about - was it planned or was it a chance encounter.
The part with the Speaker and Richart at a meeting hall and Gillian at a Lansky casino - seems like I'm supposed to know what it's leading too, I felt some kind of tension when I read it, Richard seems to be loosing it and preparing for something (?) - haven't watched the previous series, so I wouldn't know. There's no much online streaming in Azerbaijan so I couldn't download the show and watch it. Too bad.
Anyway, if he's getting ready for something, perhaps it should be explained better. If it was already explained in the episodes that's been already aired - then people know what it's all about. I felt that part is a bit detached from the rest of the script.

Also, the part at the beginning - Babbette's Supper Club - felt a little contradictory to me. I couldn't understand it - it is Nucky's party, but they say no to a friend of his?

p44 - typo - "YOUR secret is safe with me"

Good luck with it! Wonderful read, I think.


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khamanna  -  August 5th, 2012, 7:35am
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kingcooky555
Posted: August 5th, 2012, 6:36am Report to Moderator
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Hi,

Thanks for the read. I think you mean "Richard" was losing it and preparing for something.

The woods scenes with Richard and the whole Bible angle plays on the second season. Richard carried around a Bible and kept newspaper clippings of happy pictures. Usually, pretty women and happy families. In season 2 (last year), he had his best friend James Darmody, killed by Nucky Thompson.

Building off that season 2 arc, I went the Nietsche route (note the last scene of the movie and the reference to "opium"). Instead of the Bible filled with happy pictures, Richard now collects pictures of social unrest and puts them in the "Communist Manifesto." His conception of religion is totally turned around throughout this episode. When he inadvertently witnesses Nucky making a deal with the priest, this is when his belief in religion or God goes out the window. His "Nietsche" transformation becomes complete and "explodes" in the last scene.  I wanted this episode to highlight/complete Richard's transformation in this show, and put him on a destructive path which will most likely end in his death.

I chose the woods for the "explosion" as this references to the original pilot, where James Darmody's (his dead best friend) life changes forever. Also, the woods is where Richard almost kills himself in the last season, but now it becomes a sort of base of power for Richard. The woods is very symbolic for Richard, but you'd have to see the first 2 seasons to understand why.

The last scene was planned by the "KKK" imposters, but Richard happens to encounter it by mistake. In the last season, some Black workers took some real "KKK" members hostage and probably killed them as payback for some KKK shootings. Because the hotel owners have cut back hiring Black folk, some of them stole the KKK outfits and are now acting as bandits, striking from the woods in between NJ and Philadelphia. This puts a seed of conflict on various characters that were not in this episode but are important to the show.

As for Nucky, as he says all his old enemies are "coming out of the woodwork." Gillian Darmody now controls the piece of property that is crucial to his "Great Builder" plan. He has inadvertently disclosed his role in James Darmody's death to Richard Harrow. One of his underlings is being investigated for tax fraud. Then I built upon last season's affair between Margaret and Owen.... So this episode is where I start to sprinkle different conflicts from all angles. Nucky maybe Treasurer again, but everyone's gunning for him.... from a killer, vengeful Anarchist to his own bodyguard.... Then he has his internal struggle - his hate of his wife vs. his love for his adopted children.

As for Babette's Supper Club, I was referring to Micky. Micky is one of those goodfellas guys who thinks he's "in" with the boss. But in reality he's just a 2 bit crook that Nucky would look down on rather than on an even eye level. Also, it's not really Nucky's party but the Mayor's. Nucky is just getting his feet on the ground and had some financial setbacks (affluent but not like before) due to Margaret's betrayal from last season.

Again, thanks for the read. Let me know if you've got anything you want me to look over.
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khamanna
Posted: August 5th, 2012, 7:37am Report to Moderator
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I surely meant Richard. --made amends.

So it's serialized! I didn't know.
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XL
Posted: September 21st, 2012, 11:30am Report to Moderator
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Haven't seen any of the series, but really like the way you handle action lines and dialogue. Kudos.

John
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kingcooky555
Posted: September 21st, 2012, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks for the input!

Also, welcome to SS!
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