Unlawful Duties by Mark Moore (irish eyes) - Short, Drama - Two dirty cops get more than they bargained for, when they answer a radio call. 10 pages - pdf, format

Hey Mark,

Definetly owe you a read.

Conclusion - yeah I liked this, with a few reservations, but a sound read, flowed well and good dialogue. To me the strongest part.

SPOILERS

I was mixed on the two policemen. On the one hand they were a force to be reckoned with, which presented a real fear on the other hand were they a touch cartoonish - bit obviously dark. Didn't quite resolve that one myself, although I will say, I enjoyed them.

For nine pages it is interesting how you balance this. Quite a long time with the hobo, then in the car, then after those you end up at the main incident.  Should you have longer in the final and meaningful scene? As I see it with shorts you set up the characters, then if they are not in the main event already, you take them there straight away for the majority. Was Facebook relevant, maybe so, but I missed it.

A couple of  nit picks. A few four line sentences, bit too heavy, especially as it was easy to stretch this a few lines overall. Also Hobo goes to Bobo alongside each other - best stick to one I think. Why make them similar, could confuse the reader. Actually, after thinking about it, why have the card scene. You want to show they are nasty, perhaps you need to be quicker on that one.

Che che - pedophile - congressman - all these seemed major, yet minor. The story was the men, drifting through a murky world, oblivious to what was around them. To really pull this off you may need more on the page.

Desspite the above I liked it, largely for one core reason, the dark undercurrent of these two as a pair. On balance that was successful IMO, although there are issues.

All the best.

Thanks for the feedback Bill.

I have been working long hours recently and I actually forgot I submitted it.
I was trying to do something different other than comedy, it`s my first crack at drama/thriller.

Quoted from Bill For nine pages it is interesting how you balance this. Quite a long time with the hobo, then in the car, then after those you end up at the main incident.  Should you have longer in the final and meaningful scene? As I see it with shorts you set up the characters, then if they are not in the main event already, you take them there straight away for the majority. Was Facebook relevant, maybe so, but I missed it.

I could the probably narrow down the hobo scene... I was trying to build the characters of the cops, more so for a better visual at the final scene.
Facebook wasn`t really relevant to the story, just more of a gripe and to keep the dialogue flowing, keeping their nasty attitudes throughout..If that makes sense

Quoted Text Also Hobo goes to Bobo alongside each other

I just kind of gave him a pet name, as he`s just a local bum...
Also didn`t realise the 4 line sentences... ouch I don`t usually do that... thanks for pointing that out.

Overall, I was trying to make it suspenseful, with a twist....

Thanks again for your feedback and yep there is issues

Mark

Hey Mark, just found this.  Much to like, IMO, but a number of issues as well.  Over all?  Well, for a "meaningless" short, it's pretty good and definitely shows some skills.

As Bill said, I agree that the cops' dialogue is what works best here.  I also agree that the dark undercurrent of "how they are' is a highlight here.  It's a balls out, pull no punches kind of scene that I always appreciate.

I'll disagree with Bill in that a 4 line passage is an issue, but your 4 liners don't need to be 4 lines...and shouldn't be, as they're not broken up correctly.

IMO, you have way too many unnecessary wrylies on display.  The key with wyrlies is moderation, unless you literally need them to show an important accent or the like.  The point is that they're irritating...they piss off both readers, actors, and directors, as it's just not your job to micro-manage like this.

IMO, the first 4 pages had alot of awkward lines and passages.  As things moved forward, the writing got better.

Also, a BIG issue for me was a bunch of your Slugs.  Some were downright incorrect IMO.  I am very against using the lazy "INT./EXT." for Slugs.  A Spec writer only has control in this state...the "Spec state", so why relinquish it so early?  Write the scene as you see is, as you want us to see it.  Using INT./EXT. makes us both assume and create in our own minds, and IMO, that's not the way to go.

As for the story...well...you know, I kinda like it.  It shows real thought and for what it is, it does definitely work.  The only thing is that it isn't really much of anything, as in a whole contained story.

If I were you, I'd use this for a feature and make this the intro.  So many ways to go forward, and you've already created 3 interesting characters that can be badass Antags and Protags at the same time...well kinda, maybe.

Hey, either way, this is good and again, to me, shows some real talent.

Good job.  I'm impressed.

Aways useful to review other comments, and this is no different.

Quoted from Dreamscale I'll disagree with Bill in that a 4 line passage is an issue, but your 4 liners don't need to be 4 lines...and shouldn't be, as they're not broken up correctly.

I suppose as a noob i get paranoid about breaking "rules", one of which is the three line max paragraph. It does make sense overall as we are constantly told to provide a script with "white paper" and an easy read.

However, it would also seem a bit rigid to say never, when it could be worthwhile. The recent City of Dust script is heavy in this way (i've only checked out the beginning) but works for most.

For me i try and avoid them and where i do wander off and have a long paragraph i really focus on breaking this down.

Quoted from Dreamscale If I were you, I'd use this for a feature and make this the intro.  So many ways to go forward, and you've already created 3 interesting characters that can be badass Antags and Protags at the same time...well kinda, maybe.

I hadn't though of it in that way but i agree. Good comment.

Hey Mark,

This read more like a comedy than a drama. Nothing bad about that. Sometimes you gotta stick to your strengths or what you like.

Got a lot of run-ons as well. A simple fix up.

I would also agree with Jeff that this should be expanded into a feature. As a short, I didn't see much of a story. Just a couple of scenes. If you do expand this, I would say that their task should be to help individuals as oppose to what they normally do (not help).

Hope this helps,
Gabe

I don't know why, but from the tagline i was really expecting these two to get fucked over. Thought Bobo would get back at them somehow, not exactly succeed but yeah... That was the scene i really liked, the first one that is, i really digged the way you introduced the cops very cinematic indeed.

Quoted from JC Cleveland IMO, you have way too many unnecessary wrylies on display.  The key with wyrlies is moderation, unless you literally need them to show an important accent or the like.  The point is that they're irritating...they p*ss off both readers, actors, and directors, as it's just not your job to micro-manage like this.

Totally agree and they're irritating, I didn't realize I had so many...

Quoted from JC Cleveland I am very against using the lazy "INT./EXT." for Slugs.  A Spec writer only has control in this state...the "Spec state", so why relinquish it so early?  Write the scene as you see is, as you want us to see it.  Using INT./EXT. makes us both assume and create in our own minds, and IMO, that's not the way to go.

This is first time I ever used it, I noticed it in another script and I thought it was the way to go..If you're having a conversation inside and outside a car I thought that was appropriate.

Quoted from JC Cleveland If I were you, I'd use this for a feature and make this the intro.  So many ways to go forward, and you've already created 3 interesting characters that can be badass Antags and Protags at the same time...well kinda, maybe.

Thanks Jeff, I never thought of it as a feature.

Quoted from JC Cleveland Hey, either way, this is good and again, to me, shows some real talent. Good job.  I'm impressed.

Thanks for the feedback and nice comments bro  

Quoted from Gabe This read more like a comedy than a drama. Nothing bad about that. Sometimes you gotta stick to your strengths or what you like.

The last thing I wanted was that it felt more like a comedy I tried to get away from that for once... but I hear what you're saying and stick to my strengths .

Thanks for the feedback Gabe.

Quoted from Vinny I don't know why, but from the tagline i was really expecting these two to get f****d over. Thought Bobo would get back at them somehow, not exactly succeed but yeah... That was the scene i really liked, the first one that is, i really digged the way you introduced the cops very cinematic indeed.

Thanks Vinny, sorry it misled you... I used the Bobo scene to lay the foundations of the cops characters. Glad you enjoyed it

Hey Mark,

Been seeing you around the boards a lot as of late...
So, I thought I'd crack this one open and see what's inside.

P. 2
Mucho run-on sentences in the opener made for a thick read.
Once the dialogue kicked in things thinned out for the better.

P. 6
They seem a little too insolent for dirty cops.
Typically, corrupt cops tend towards the down low on public attitude.

Finished.
I saw the twist coming... but it still played out well.
I kept waiting for Bobo to figure back into the story though.
We spend a lot of time with a character that doesn't affect the plot.
I agree with the general sentiment about the action descriptions.
Break em up and distill out anything extraneous.

I'd like to see how things played out on the roof, than the twist in the car.
That's a juicy conflict to show on the screen.

Hope this helps.

Regards,
E.D.

Hey Mark,

Good to see this up and that you’re getting some good comments here. I just wanted to say how much I like the title change, good job!

I’ll give this a read tomorrow, it’s late here.

Have a good one, buddy.

Steve

Quoted from E.D I kept waiting for Bobo to figure back into the story though. We spend a lot of time with a character that doesn't affect the plot.

I gotta a few comments that Bobo should have returned in some way, but I was merely using that scene to build the characters of the cops.

Thanks

Quoted from Steve Good to see this up and that you’re getting some good comments here. I just wanted to say how much I like the title change, good job!

I hated the lame Bad cop, Bad cop it sounded more like a comedy... thanks to your feedback preview, I tightened it up a bit, before posting

Mark

Hey Mark,

Always happy to read your work even though I read this a while back. Like I said, the new title is a lot better but the logline could be better IMO.

I liked this, the twist was good and the two cops were good characters. Some of already mentioned it but their dialogue is the strong point here, nice work.

I think I mentioned it to you when I originally read this but the hobo scene needs to be cut down, I know you’re building character but I feel you could have done this with fewer pages than you have.

Some have mentioned about turning this into a feature and I have to be honest and say I never thought of that, the two protags certainly could be developed more and it’s worth thinking about.

On the whole I think you’ve done a good job as this is out of your comfort zone and you’ve set up two great characters here.

The writing is good, it flowed well but what sort of reader would I be if I didn’t at least see a couple of errors or things that I didn't like.

Jeff mentioned the “INT/EXT” slugs and I have to agree with him, I’m not a fan but it’s what works for you.

I didn’t like the constant use of “Officer” before the name in the action, think it’s superfluous and wasted space. We know their police officers.

Also and this one I’m being picky on but the dialogue continuing onto the next page could have been avoided.

The chief of police isn’t capped on first intro?

...And a big glaring typo on the last line “Jesse” should be Jessie.

Overall, an entertaining short with some top notch dialogue from the two dirty cops. I think you’ve done an excellent job with the rewrite and hope you get some more feedback here to help you get this where you want it to be.

Good work.

Steve.

P.S How did you get on in the comp with Loserville?

Steve..

Quoted from Steve .And a big glaring typo on the last line “Jesse” should be Jessie.

The reason I changed the spelling of her name at the end is because....ahhhmmm... Cuz I wanted to ...OK

Thanks buddy...

I didn`t win... I sent you on the email, I recieved.

Hi Mark - tried to read some of the feed-back - but I'm a bit pissed right now so please forgive if I'm re-treading ground.

So a chef takes a great meal to his customers and drops it in front of them. Bugger.

Yes - really drop the hobo scene unless you are thinking of turning this into a feature - even if not tighten it up some.

The hobo darts down the alley: Petty stuff - 'an alley' reads differently as it's not referenced.

More petty stuff - I don't like the way you use ellipses - it's just all wrong - please check out how to use them, 'cos it makes your writing look worse than it is.

The Officers' dialogue - it is good - I really like it - but it comes across to me too much like one voice - I'm not sure there's enough differentiation here - if you can work dialogue well (which isn't natural for some of us) then I think you need to work toward two voices - make them distinct - there's a great vibe in the way they speak - and to my mind that's a major plus.

I'd advocate dropping the Hobo scene but the knife in the hand's a killer - didn't see that coming...

The INT./EXT's been referred too - yuk.

Weak quarry makes no hero - I like the line you've taken with Clint - but maybe make him a stronger character? Better the opposition, better the hero.

I'm not too sure about Horton hugging Jessie - the whole thing feels a bit -- wrong. Maybe he puts his arm around her etc, but the embrace is held for a long time -- it just feels to me all a bit --- not too sure about it?

I really really like the twist at the end - I didn't see it coming, and I thought it was actually quite subtle - (though I didn't think you need a screaming Jessie when the cops first went off) -- 'where' should be 'we're' - but I liked the use of the prop - and I think that the end this really packs a punch.

In summary for me - great story 'n' great thinking that's confounded by some formatting issues and too many grammar issues. Deserves, & I hope you'll do, a re-write on this.

Simon

Quoted from Forgive Hi Mark - tried to read some of the feed-back - but I'm a bit pissed right now.

Now that's my kind of reader and a nasty habit of mine too.