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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  Imaginary Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: March 31st, 2012, 1:25pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Imaginary by Curtis James Coffey - Sci Fi, Fantasy - An abused girl creates a fantasy world to escape the horrors of her own life. However, her fantasy world soon begins to merge with reality, and she discovers she must make a choice: Destroy this world she has created in her mind and deal with her terrible life, or let go of reality and dwell forever in her fantasy. 106 pages - pdf, format


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Forgive
Posted: April 2nd, 2012, 4:20pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Hi Curtis.

First thing - the logline felt a little bit clunky - that can be a turn-off, as the reader may wonder if the script is written in a similar fashion.

On reading (as I'm writing) the writing came across as very polished - nicely descriptive without being too detailed.

I noticed this:

A HAND makes deliberate strokes along it, washing the blank
whiteness with color.
The work is done feverishly, but at the same time, with care.
-- visually it appears a little contradictory; maybe better to have the HAND make feverish, yet careful strokes or some variety of that.

Wasn't too sure about this:
She smiles at the canvas - a vast field of pastel-colored
flowers amidst the drop of a purple sky.
-- maybe:

She smiles.

The canvas is a vast field of pastel-colored
flowers amidst the drop of a purple sky.

- this implies the two camera shots.

Unfilmables, like many things, are okay - even enhanced - by their rarity. But when they become too common, the picture starts to become lost - the picture as opposed to the story, as you are writing for a specific visual medium:

With a heavy sigh, Leah prepares herself to leave the safety of her bedroom.

I really think one of the important skills of this type of writing is to get this 'safety of her bedroom' across in the visual medium - how are you going to do this? For a novelist it's easy - they just write it. And this comes on top of the earlier --

She's a cute girl, a slight
shadow hanging over her.

which is okay once in a while, as it may serve as a clue to the actor - but the safety of the bedroom one is worse, and one too many - and reading the log-line I think it's also fairly central - so you have to get this across.

ATB

Simon
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ChrisB
Posted: April 3rd, 2012, 12:38am Report to Moderator
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What an amazing script!  It's really strong on the visuals and I love it.  

The characters and the situation were set up very quickly and it feels like the story is going somewhere from the first 30 pages I read.

It's a really striking concept of a girl who tries to escape her reality by creating this alternate universe in her mind.

I also love the romantic aspect with John and Leah, I wish it could be incorporated a bit more in the story.  It's really heartfelt and lightens the drudgery and despair of the story.

Overral I love it and I hope to read all of it.
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CurtisJames52
Posted: April 3rd, 2012, 5:38pm Report to Moderator
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Sicoll, thank you for taking time to read some of the script. I wrote it after the suicide of a friend, and in all honesty it was my therapy. I didn't write it thinking about the technical aspects or anything like that, which is probably why it reads the way it does. I know a re-write is needed. I just need more feedback first.

ChrisB, thank you as well for reading it. I hope you do find the time to read the rest of it and enjoy it just as much as a whole as you have the first 30 pages.
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Forgive
Posted: April 3rd, 2012, 7:50pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Hi Curtis - yes, that puts a different spin on things. Writing is an emotional process that requires you put your heart into it. I'll give this a full read, and take some time out to do it - and I'll try to focus on the story - I do get too niggly with the technical aspects sometimes, so you're right to point that out. End to end read coming up.

ATB

Simon
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ChrisB
Posted: April 4th, 2012, 3:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from CurtisJames52
I wrote it after the suicide of a friend, and in all honesty it was my therapy.


That must be why it reads so powerfully.  I'm so sorry to hear about your friend.    
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Posted: April 5th, 2012, 5:08pm Report to Moderator
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Let The Sky Fall

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Hi Curtis - I have this a full read. Yes, it is a good story. During some of it, I did wonder if it were better suited to being a novel, more than a film, but I think you did enough to justify giving it a screen shot.

I liked your imagination during the dream sequences - you often did the unexpected and that's a good.

Taking a step back - here's what I though the issues where - this of course is JMO:

The build up is quite slow - during the earlier part I wondered if this were more TV than film. I felt that this could be shortened, without any harm.

I didn't have any major problems with Matt, but I think other people will ask:

What is his back-story - what's his motivation - why is he behaving like this? During one point in your script you refer to him attending the fair, and at this point he behaved quite reasonably - this did make me wonder what had brought about the change? I think this needs filling in a little bit, and could have been done without masses of new scenes being put in.

Matt appears to be a little one-dimensional - I wondered if there could have been a couple of times when he tried to do better and then things screwed up. I'm thinking maybe about something like when Leah and Nancy go out to the Ice-Cream Parlor - well maybe Matt could have been saving that money to treat them - so he tries to do a good turn, but Nancy 'accidentally' maybe, screws that up - this gives Matt a little more reason for his anger. Without any of this, there is actually no reason whatsoever given for his attitude anywhere in the script. Maybe you could think this through.

************* Ah see um spoilers ***********************

Big issue for me is when Leah - and I assume she does - commits suicide. Okay - I understand why this has appeared in the script, and I don't want to appear insensitive - but I'm unsure of the logic of this within the story:

If Leah is mainly living in a dream-world - at the point at which she dies - how can she continue dreaming? While I possibly understand your motivation for introducing it into the script, I'm not too sure that it actually belongs in the script. This changes what has gone before quite considerably - everyone can understand a dream-world, but some will ask questions about a dream-world that continues after you can dream. There were references to 'the hand of God' - but the implication here skewed things even more...??

My final point(s). It built well to the end - but having said that - I felt that the end was a little bit 'naked' - I especially thought this considering the earlier parts of the script could have been shortened.

The end was better than the beginning - and I think you should build more into the end, and remove some from the beginning - especially as - and I don't know if you are writing with this in mind - your act 1 end appears to be very late (some time after page 38).

denouement: Or lack thereof. I wasn't to sure if this was intentional - and if it was, then okay, but I felt that there were too many unresolved issues. John, Francis, (even Mr Powell, Matt, Nancy). But certainly I would have liked (and I really think an audience would have liked) to have seen some closure, or rounding up - I was thinking, anything - she bounds into school and saying something, anything (outrageous) to John, so he just smiles and we know things are good on that front. Francis. What happens to him? He just disappears??

Finally - the 'Great Struggle' - this I thought was top notch - I really thought this is one of the best I've seen for a long time - I really, really, didn't expect Leah to face... you know who - but then again - it was over so quick - and I think wrongly so - but it's your work, so it's up to you.

But for sure I'd have gone to town with this - this is the big one - so work it hard? Matt goblin - I'd have gone for a different punishment, and then he could have come back to fight with ... other Leah - I just think - given that this is the climax - maybe - an audience would  be happy to stay here longer -- especially as the build up to it was so long!

I definitely think this is a good piece of work - file under 'potential' - yes there is a lot of tightening up to do, like I said in my first post - you often say 'he thinks this' etc, the old unfilmables - but it's more than worth a re-write - it's all there - just not necessarily in the right order...?

Simon
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CurtisJames52
Posted: April 5th, 2012, 8:08pm Report to Moderator
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Simon,

Thank you so much for your detailed and constructive feedback. I've never been able to look at it and see what more I could do with it. Blinded by my emotion behind it, most likely. I knew it needed some work and you've definitely pointed me in the right direction. It means a lot to me. I know not a lot of scripts on here get read all the way through.

Chris, Thank you as well for your kind words and sympathies.
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Irishstu
Posted: May 12th, 2012, 3:52pm Report to Moderator
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I have to say I really really enjoyed this. I can't give you too much feedback on the formatting because I am still learning myself but as far as I can see, it is well written and easy to read screenplay.
I Liked the flute as it give the story a nice feel to it and I could kinda hear it in my head when I was reading, made me feel I was escaping with her.
Also Liked the end and don't really agree with Simon on the fact you don't continue dreaming when you die  because the truth is no one knows what happens when we die, some would say you go to your happiest place and for Leah that was in her world with Peter.  
Having witnessed domestic Abuse first hand, I would say Matt's character is a little one dimensional, you have him as just a bad person but these people tend to have reasoning behind their actions and without condoning his actions you could try and show a different side to him and why Leah's mother loves him.  
Not so sure about the title it doesn't seem you could sell that name to a producer, it doesn't justify the quality of the story if that makes any sense  
Would liked to see Matt torn apart by guilt instead of just getting away with out any Comeupins. also the teacher seems to be a big part of the story then he was kinda written out of the script.  

Well done and Good Luck
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CurtisJames52
Posted: May 17th, 2012, 5:14pm Report to Moderator
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Thank you for the response, Irishstu! I agree with your disagreement about Simon's comment on the ending. Nobody knows what happens when we die. Maybe we dream for eternity. Maybe we live in our own Heaven. All is possible.

I actually based Matt's character after a person I knew that was like that. Just constantly cruel and mean. I did mention in the script at one point that Matt was decent in the beginning. I was trying to imply that he was faking it and was always a jerk, but I may not have gotten that across good enough.

In any case, best of luck mastering the craft and with your own screenplays!
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dead by dawn
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Hey Curt,

I kinda liked Vampyre, so I decided to browse your other features.  I can't say I'm too keen on this one... I'm gonna leave a few comments based on the 43 pages I read.  I want to check out your other stuff, but Imaginary will be as far as I go until, hopefully, you can find time to participate on the boards more often and return the favor.  It's a give and take around here....

Anyway, I'll start with Matt... I've read so many scripts on here over the years where the approach to this character is always the same:  the heavily on the nose asshole/abusive husband/father who spouts boring and straightforward assholish shit and means exactly every word of it.  Take the road less traveled... make Matt the undercover asshole, his dialogue laced with subtext.  Right now, it's just too much, scene after scene of the same... and I think it hurts your other characters too.  I'm supposed to feel sympathy for Leah and Nancy, but at some point it's like you'd think they'd get their heads together and say enough is enough... why are they still with him?  When will they learn?  When will they stop being passive and start being active?  It was very frustrating... instead of sympathizing with them, I just started to think "well, hey, if you're gonna let it happen, that's your fucking fault..."

Sorry but this wasn't for me.  Logline sounded really cool, but there's too many repeated scenes and too many daydream sequences that stop everything dead.  Speaking of dead... I glanced over a review and found out that after Leah commits suicide, she's still dreaming or something?  Where are the stakes now that our protagonist is dead before we're even half way through the script?  

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