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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Action/Adventure Scripts  ›  The Mother Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 5th, 2012, 6:08pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Mother by Grace A. Fynn - Action, Adventure - A young, single mother retrieves her village from some men who 'steal' it for its diamonds. 90 pages - pdf, format


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RJ
Posted: April 5th, 2012, 8:13pm Report to Moderator
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Grace, sorry to say, I only read to page 6 and this needs a lot of work. It would seem that you are fairly new to screenwriting so please don't be disheartened by anything I may say.

Pg 1 -
You need a FADE IN:
The first scene heading needs fixing, eg:
INT.RESTAURANT-KITCHEN-DAY
should be written like:
INT.RESTAURANT/KITCHEN - DAY (1890)
The date gives the reader an era to picture the scene as. This only needs to be specified once, unless the date dramaticaly changes to decades later or is of great importance.

Your first sentence is 7 lines long (should be 3 - 4, 5 if essential), full of unnecessary description and doesn't really read right, ie the first line:
'A group of people: 4 chefs made of 3 women and a man cook while 2 women, one old and the other young bake some cookies.'

This information can be left out and kept to a minimum, plus your character descriptions need work, eg:
the first scene could be written like-

SARAH, 20's, shy and clumsy, briskly enters the busy kitchen, almost knocking a waiter over.

                 SARAH
            Sorry.

TERESA, 40's, impatient and tempered, stands with her hands on her hips.

                TERESA
You're late. But as usual it's because of your son, right?

In all honesty, I don't think this scene is necessary at all - you could state that she needs a new job in an opening scene of her coming home after work instead.

When introducing characters, their names need to be capitalised and unless extremely important, their skin tone does not matter.

Monica doesn't say anything in the first scene. Is she relevant to the story? If not, she doesn't need to be introduced.

I'd cut down on the wrylies, they are not needed where you have them.

The description:

'Monica stares at her with a bit of antipathy and heaves. Minutes later, Sarah rolls some paste, shaping them afterwards and puts them into the oven. Monica and Teresa are both out except for the chefs. Suddenly, a white man of about 30 years old enters the room and greets Sarah. He’s her friend, George.'

Could tighten your script by simply writing.

'Sarah puts a tray of pastry desserts into the oven.'

George, 30, friendly and genuine, enters.'

On the second page you have the heading - INT.DINNING ROOM-DAY
I gather you meant - INT.RESTAURANT/DINING ROOM - DAY
Also - INT.SARAH’S PLACE-ROOM-NIGHT
Im guessing - INT.SARAH'S HOUSE/LOUNGE ROOM - NIGHT
You must always specify where the scene is.

IMO - the scene with Ruth is pointless, it has no relevance here.
You also have some time changes ie: moments later, twenty minutes later. These need to be new scene headings for each jump in time. Re-think which scenes are needed and which scene really aren't. Cutting scenes that are unnecessary will tighten your script.

Only write what is filmable, ie: 'Sarah recalls she is the one she nearly run into' is not filmable.

As I said, alot of work needs to be done, but nothing is unfixable. Keep working at it and my best advice would be to read produced scripts on here then re-read your work over and over again.

I hope this helps.

Renee
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