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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Sci Fi and Fantasy Scripts  ›  The Waters of Lagi Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: April 27th, 2012, 6:47am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The Waters of Lagi by Rebekah Hay (rdhay) - Sci Fi, Fantasy - An heiress goes to a tropical paradise to die when she finds life again, and a reason to fight. 92 pages - pdf, format


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Reef Dreamer
Posted: April 27th, 2012, 5:10pm Report to Moderator
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Hey RH,

This may seem a bit silly but i wanted to keep the on the thread for others to take note. Regulars should gain attention!

I read your last feature, thought it was well written but with the issues i gave back. But, as a regular, lets not miss you.

Sorry, i can't read it myself for a while, hope others do

cheers


My scripts  HERE

The Elevator Most Belonging To Alice - Semi Final Bluecat, Runner Up Nashville
Inner Journey - Page Awards Finalist - Bluecat semi final
Grieving Spell - winner - London Film Awards.  Third - Honolulu
Ultimate Weapon - Fresh Voices - second place
IMDb link... http://www.imdb.com/name/nm7062725/?ref_=tt_ov_wr
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nawazm11
Posted: April 28th, 2012, 12:04am Report to Moderator
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Hey, Rebekah. I'll give this a read soonish, hopefully in the next few days.

The first page is a little confusing, at least for me, but I think it's a great way to start a feature. A nice image in my head already.

I'll try and do semi page by page notes so.. yeah.

EDIT: Page 1: I think you should mention that she has an IV before you describe the machine cords. I had to read the paragraph a few times to understand but it might just be me.  

Page 3: An extra line of blank space after Jasmine's dialogue.

Note: Miri's dialogue sounds a little awkward, forced in a way. Not sure if you intended to do this.

Jasmine sobs just like that? She's a little emotional!

Near the end of the third page, the paragraphs been cut up into bits.

Tama? Guess I'll know by the end.

Page 6: "SMACKS on the ground." Smacks doesn't seem like the right word for blood.

I like the intercut there.

Page 8: So, she's in the tree? Interesting...

Hmm, I'm not sure if I should mention this but a woman running through the forest for the first 10 minutes of a film? Would it work? Just something to think about. It's a very peculiar way to start a feature but I can only read on.

Page 11: Hmm, I have to ask. Why is this happening? It's just all very sudden, I'm following along, but it just seems a little strange...

Page 14: I have to mention it again!! I think the problem here is that we don't get a good understanding of what type of person Jasmine actually is before she starts her journey. I'm not sure if this will come later on but I feel as if you need to expand on the beginning a little bit more. Right now, it feels as if a random lady has just walked into a jungle. It might just be me, but I think you should tell us a little bit more about her, forget the page count.

Page 20: "But you hurt" But you're hurt.

Okay, Rebekah! I think I'll go to sleep now as it's very late here but I'll try and finish this tomorrow and write down my thoughts. Your script is going pretty well atm, just think it lacks meaning. Hopefully it fixes that later on.

Mohammad

Revision History (2 edits; 1 reasons shown)
nawazm11  -  April 28th, 2012, 9:50pm
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Baltis.
Posted: April 28th, 2012, 12:32am Report to Moderator
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Having not read the script just yet, i'd rework the logline to something like the below suggestion.  

"An heiress hopes to live out her remaining days on a tropical island paradise where she finds new life and a reason to fight for it."

I read the 1st 5 pages here on my phone, but it's not sinking in well.  I'll wait to get to a computer.  
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rdhay
Posted: April 28th, 2012, 6:18pm Report to Moderator
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Hey guys, I just saw that this was posted and meant to let everyone know, this was my first feature (well, first script at all), chock full of a newb's mistakes I just thought I'd post it up for your dissection because a) I will get around to more rewrites...eventually and b) I figured maybe others could learn from this as well. So whatever attention you give is appreciated, but I hope you'll remember that my writing has changed quite dramatically from this attempt

Thanks!!!
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M.Alexander
Posted: April 28th, 2012, 11:42pm Report to Moderator
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I got to page 35 but it's just too much of a chick-flick for my liking.  Sorry!  It's an interesting premise nonetheless.  

Edit: I loved the part where they run from the panthers.  

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M.Alexander  -  April 29th, 2012, 8:11am
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nawazm11
Posted: April 29th, 2012, 3:16am Report to Moderator
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Okay! Finished!!

SPOILERS!!

Lemme start by saying that I'm totally new to screenwriting and I don't know much so keep that in mind. Also, these are just my views and they might be totally different to anybody elses.

IMO, the biggest strength this script had was your writing and how you bring the descriptions to life. The running through the forest scene were really well written, so great job on that.

Now, the biggest problem you had IMO, was the dialogue. It wasn't on the nose, it just felt forced. It's as if they were made to say it just for the sake of the story. It didn't flow well so I think you need to have a good look at that. I'm not sure if you intended this to fit with the tone of the island but if you did, then ignore that.

Okay, so the beginning, I thought was really rushed. You just brought us into the story without explaining much, and it works sometimes, but not here IMO. The problem was that when the story began, the characters already knew what was happening and everything started without no real explanation. I think Jasmine's backstory needs to be expanded, that's all.

So, at some bits in the story, I was totally lost. She was dieing from cancer I'm guessing, or something similar, and she runs into the jungle to get away from it all? When she arrived, it's as if the village knew she was coming and greeted her accordingly but it didn't make sense. It's as if she was pushed into the story, not by her choice. I think the encounter with Mazreeth needs to flow a little better, the only reason she stays there is so she can heal her?

Okay, when she's in the Jungle, I'm not sure what she really wants? Does she want to be happy before she dies from her illness or does she want the love of Shay before she dies? It felt half and for me so I think she needs to concentrate on her goals a little better. She never really took initiative IMO, just waiting for everything to happen.

Now, the antagonist, which is another big problem. I don't think he is mentioned enough in the story to pose a real threat, the first time we have some decent screen time with his, he gets his ass kicked by a maid. I think he needs to be mentioned more and shown as a real, proper threat near the start of the story. It felt he was just pushed in there.

After saying all that, one of the best things I liked about this script was that atmosphere. It felt real and you obviously knew what you were doing. The island felt real, the village felt real, it was all done very well and I really appreciate it when somebody is really connected to their story.

Near the end, the encounter with Richmond was far too short. It looked as if he just started but then he's defeated so easily. Give him more power IMO.

The ending was written nicely so a big thumbs up for that. I liked the drums beating and Jasmine losing herself in the music, for me it would work great on screen.

Now, Shay! His character sometimes came off as really dull. He was just there. not doing anything, saying yes, no, I'm okay. He just needs a little more life.

Overall, this was a clean script. Hardly any errors present. If my comments come off as harsh, I wasn't trying to be. This script wasn't bad in any way, it was good, but I think it could reach up another level if you fixed a few issues.

I think what many movies lack today are Originality. And the problem is that they keep making them! I don't understand! The story had lots of great ideas flowing in, and I like that, as it was original and that's hard to do. You have something here and that's really good.

Gratz on completing a feature. All the best with this.

Here are the notes that I took btw.


Page 32: So, I'm guessing Mazreeth is speaking in the tribal language? If there aren't any subtitles, then maybe the reader should also read the tribal language? I know it's important but on screen, it wouldn't be the same, so the viewer might be disadvantaged.

Also, the audience doesn't know who Richmond Blake is, as he was never introduced with a name on screen. We saw him, but didn't know who he was. Not sure if you intended to do this?

Page 33: The first paragraph is cut up again. Easily fixable.

Jasmine can understand the tribal language?

Page 38: Tama?

Page 44: "I can’t what, little brother?" !!!    Nobody calls their family like that. I would never say that as it sounds so awkward!!   Maybe try, "You're just my little brother, you gonna try and tell me what to do?" It's a little better, but still not there. There has to be a better way to tell us this.

From page 43 to 50: So, Richmond is gonna go out into the jungle with a maid to try and eradicate the village? And he doesn't carry a weapon with him, even though the jungle animals are as much a threat as the villagers? There's something wrong here, it just doesn't feel right. Why would he do such a thing? Maybe have him take a rifle, just to show you he means business.

Also, not sure if he's faking but would he really give up that easily?

Page 58: In the middle of the page, the action is cut up.

Page 59: Action cut up.

Page 61: Action cut up at the beginning.

Page 62: Had to go back and look at who Vintah was.   But not a problem, would work a lot better on screen.

Page 63: The action is combined to the dialogue, again. Maybe, I'm missing something here? As it happens quite often. I'll stop mentioning it from now.

Page 75 - 81: Seems a little strange for the animal to not have a description. I think the Panther would've been nice, as that's what I imagined.

Page 82: Mushrooms in the distance?

Now, finally Richmond becomes a proper antagonist!

Page 83: More badass! Guess he was scouting the jungle before he brought his "troops".

Page 86: "She picks him up - a feather - swings him around and into
the burning jungle." Jasmine has super strength?? I need to know the location of this island!!

Mohammad
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: May 29th, 2012, 12:43pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Rebekah,

Good to see you around the forums again.
I typically take notes as I read and sum up a segment with a few thoughts.
So let's take a look at your first feature here...

P. 1
The INTERCUT stuff being all caps didn't excite me.

P. 2
Typo here...
unfolds and refolds a pile clothes on the bed.

P. 3
Some action description spacial issues starting here...
A tear falls down Miri’s cheek...

P. 4
Think I'd be less frustrated with the opening scene if one of two things happened...

1) I knew what was making Jasmine run OR...
2) Slicing her opener V.O. right down to, "I am a quitter."

If you're going to be vague, drop as many lines as you can.
She says so much I feel like she's talking around whatever makes her run.
Which makes me feel like I'm being manipulated away from the story.

But a protag that declares they are a quitter with their opening line, I'm intrigued.
Hence, I'm willing to put up with the mystery with that approach.
My two cents on that.

P. 5
Confused by Jasmine's anxiety over the boat.
Is the boat going to take her to the plane she doesn't want to board?
Are they not so nice people on the boat?

P. 11
I like the colorful locations, but I'm a bit lost on the page.
The script's more than 10% gone and I don't know much.
Jasmine is a rich girl that runs away from her problems, whatever they may be.
That's not a lot to go one for the first ten minutes of a movie IMO.

P. 13
I like Jasmine eating the leaf in defiance.
It's a nice character beat, wish there were more of them in the early going.

P. 14
I'd rather see the search party look for Jasmine.
Might be a nice way to slide more of her back story out there too.

P. 17
Jasmine's dying?
Is this the first we hear of this?

P. 21
I'm a little confused over Shay's significance to the story.
He acts like a lover or a sibling, but we don't really know anything about him.
Shay saves Jasmine from the jungle. Does she even thank him?

Stopping TODAY on page 23.
I'll pick this up again in the morning.

My largest note so far on the script: Lack of CONFLICT.

Jasmine wants to run away. She does.
Jasmine gets lost. Doesn't mind where she is.
The villagers heal Jasmine. Like her, let her hang out.

The lack of conflict on the page slows the read for me.
Conflict is something I struggle with all the time in my writing.
I have to train myself to ask, "What is the conflict of this scene?"
Conflict = fireworks. Fireworks = turning pages.

Hope this helps.
Looking forward to continuing.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: May 30th, 2012, 9:44am Report to Moderator
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Hi Rebekah,

I'm picking this up for another round this morning...

P. 23
The detailed staging of the couple smothers the scene for me.
I'd prefer a brief description of the physical interplay.

P. 24
Slugs read wonky...
You go from DAY to DUSK... but throw a CONTINUOUS in there.

P. 25
Shay's intentions are admirable.
But I'd like to see more motivation as to why he behaves this way.
Something in his eyes, a villager relays his past to Jasmine... something.

P. 27
Typo in Jasmine's dialogue...
I’m not be jungle food, Shay.

P. 29
I knew it was Shay's mom. Big age difference.
The joke would work better if Shay was talking to his married sister, IMO.

P. 30
Weird spacing between dialogue chains near the top of the page.

P. 33
Lots of funky spacing between dialogue and descriptions at the top.

P. 33
Mazreeth's news about Jasmine's uncle reads flat to me.
I don't know anything about the uncle, never met him.
Revelations like this being told rarely work for me.
Why haven't we gotten to know Richmond?
If I knew what kind of man he was, I would react to the news.

P. 35
Unclear about this passage...
As he approaches the beach at the resort, the colour of
his skin blends with the trees. Only the whites of his
eyes, his outline and the occasional sheen of sweat are
visible.


Is Shay actually blending in, like a lizard does?

P. 36
More Richmond being talked about.
He sounds like the only physical conflict in the story.
I don't see why you're holding his intro so much.

P. 37
Assuming Shay has the chameleon power...
Why didn't he use it during the panther attack?

P. 39
Seems Odd Jasmine would grin right after being told she lives in fear.

P. 41
Why wouldn't anyone tell Richmond that Jasmine is fine?
He'd be a lot less likely to tear apart the jungle that way.
Would he be furious that she's off trying to heal?

P. 45
I'm confused by Richmond's actions here...
He wants to find his sick niece... so he goes it alone?
The guy can afford to buy the island... but not hire a search party?
This is a resort island... how about law enforcement?
Why wouldn't Richmond go to the cops for help?

Taking a break here today...
The withholding of key plot information on two points is grating on me.

1) Why are we being all coy and secretive with Jasmine's illness?
It's to the point where characters go out of their way to talk around it.

2) Why hold back on Richmond? He's the conflict. The antagonist here.
Why don't we see him with his sick niece from the get go?
She slinks away from Richmond and his goons into the jungle.
Something like that brings tons of urgency to your tale, IMO.

Will continue as work allows.
Hope the notes help.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: May 31st, 2012, 10:14am Report to Moderator
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Hey Rebekah,

Picking up at the half way point this morning...

P. 49
Richmond and Miri in the jungle...
Read very slapstick to me.
The fact that Richmond's on safari for Jasmine feels very... made for DVD Disney.
The cartoonish quality of it overshadows the story for me.
Why is this uber rich guy trekking through the jungle like this?
Where are the cops? His valets? Search parties razing the jungles?

P, 53
I was lost in the scene with Pishnu.
Took a while to catch on she was the mystery saver.
Why not reveal to the reader her identity during the action?
It would build anticipation and tension.
Show a conflicted Pishnu eventually save Richmond. That's conflict.

P. 55
Further evidence Richmond is not to be taken seriously...
He's a total coward in the jungle.
Unless you're going for A Disney Channel vibe, this undermines your story for me.
And putting up with Miri's antics doesn't track for me either.
This guy's loaded with resources. He wouldn't be out there like this.

P. 57
I dig the moonlight bleaching line.

P. 59
The melodrama following up cartoon dad is not hitting me well.
I can't take the slapping and crying too seriously after the Richmond stuff.
I don't think that's the vibe you intended, but there it is.

P. 62
Going into the last chunk of act two is a good spot for a reveal.
I like the Lagi lagoon stuff, seems like an ideal place for Jasmine to voice her illness.
The mood is ripe to raise the stakes, reward the reader with a big plot point.

P. 63
Been a while since Vintah was around, forgot who they were.
A line or two to reorient the reader could help here.

P. 68
The Richmond/Lagi scene again undermines the tone of the script.
You go from emotional young love to petty humor and cartoon villainy.
That's oil and water to me.

I'll finish up the script tomorrow.
But silly Richmond is disruptive to the story in all the wrong ways for me.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: June 1st, 2012, 10:16am Report to Moderator
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Hi Rebekah,

Gonna wrap this one up today...

P. 72
The mysterious person Richmond calls...
If he's bringing in some expert/guide, we should see them.
Especially if they are bad-ass! The impending threat builds tension.

P. 73
So much action stacking makes the read choppy for me.

P. 82
Fire mushrooms? You mean, like nuclear blasts? Wow.

P. 83
Richmond's insane villainy undermines the romance you're going for.
It's so cartoony, especially when paired up with possessed Jasmine.
The Mercenaries feel like they should've been along in act two.

P. 85
If Richmond wanted to kill Jasmine all along, why wait until now?

P. 86
Richmond's cavalier villainy has detonated the story for me.
Maybe I'd be a little kinder about it if I understood his motivations better.

Finished.
I was a little unsure about the [animal] and how that played out.
Richmond's moustache  twizzling demise hamstringed the more realistic elements.
Finding his core and how the broken family plays out will help.
I like the visuals and the genres you're reaching for. Keep at it.

Hope these notes are helpful.
Keep writing and rewriting!

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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rdhay
Posted: June 12th, 2012, 1:57am Report to Moderator
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Wow, thanks huge for all the notes, guys

Brett, those are perfect!!! And I totally agree 100% with all of them It's the kinda thing that you know is not right, but you just can't articulate it for yourself...y'know? All of those things are issues that I...what?...felt, I guess, in the writing.

I'm printing, scanning and saving these notes for the rewrite!!

Btw, you completely rock
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: June 12th, 2012, 12:36pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from rdhay
Wow, thanks huge for all the notes, guys

Brett, those are perfect!!! And I totally agree 100% with all of them It's the kinda thing that you know is not right, but you just can't articulate it for yourself...y'know? All of those things are issues that I...what?...felt, I guess, in the writing.

I'm printing, scanning and saving these notes for the rewrite!!

Btw, you completely rock


Hey Rebekah,

Glad you found the notes helpful.
Look forward to seeing you more around the forums.

Regards,
E.D.


LATEST NEWS

CineVita Films
is producing a short based on my new feature!

A list of my scripts can be found here.
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