Lucky Penny by Paul Reynolds (Paul 27) - Sci Fi, Fantasy - A single penny travels through 5 different peoples lives in Atlantic City, changing each of their lives in the process. 117 pages - pdf, format

Paul,

Thank you for posting LUCKY PENNY and hope you can get some suggestions here that will help you develop this idea.

OVERALL: a series of vignettes with a slight fantastical element amount to a tough read. Not a movie. Not yet. But there is a certain sequence that, if expanded, could make for an interesting film. A valiant effort... with a hidden gem in the middle.

First things first, you need to move your name, phone number, and title to the title page. Looks like you’re using Final Draft. Just go to “Document”, then “Title Page” and you should be able to fix it.

Suggestion: open the film by diving right into Peter and Al’s taped interview. Your first image should be Peter, all sweaty and nervous, staring right at us.

The interview between Peter and Al goes on way too long. The point of the scene is great: Peter  sees himself in this little lost penny. Get to the heart of the scene, then buzz out. At most, a scene between two talking heads should go no more than 2-3 pages before the audience cries from boredom. Less is more.

Suzy’s reaction to the boys pushing her over doesn’t ring true. Neither does the fact that they actually push her over. I don’t believe people do that in real life. Just have the guys make a few snide comments about her weight. That should suffice.

Suzy doesn’t want to look at her weight on the scale, yet the scale just verbally told them what Jenny weighed. It’s going to shout it out. Suzy should know this. In addition, Jenny’s comment about Suzy just needing to lose a few pounds doesn’t make sense. She’s 312 pounds!

How does someone gulp down a slushie in one gulp?

p.15, consult some screenwriting books on the correct way to convey a montage.

Be careful writing descriptions that can’t be filmed: Suzy steps with trepidation on the scale, praying inside that all of the calories from the previous day have not had time to form into pounds on her body.
She braces for the monotone voice. The uncaring, judgmental,
son of a bitch voi..

The scene with Timmy and the stoners was kind of funny. I expected it to go the other way, with Timmy reading their minds, but this was unexpected.

You should avoid all moments where characters talk to themselves. It’s a cheap way of conveying information. Try to get the same information out through action instead.

The biggest suggestion I have for you at this point is to shorten your scenes. Find out what each scene is supposed to say, then cut out the first 1/3 and the last 1/3. Get to the meat! This will shorten your scenes and make for a faster read.

What was the point of the dog eating and then pooping the penny?

The scenes with John talking to the computer seem like a different movie. I’m not sure I mean that as a compliment, but…

p.78, How would you show this on screen?:  It’s been 2 days since John’s order was placed. There has been no significant movement on TRIGAR INVESTMENTS. In fact it has lost 2 dollars per share, thus costing half the investment.

p.83, with the first appearance of Josh Stafford, we finally have conflict!

Consider giving Josh a new name. Jumping between John and Josh in the dialogue is hard to follow.

p.86, how is the money like a moth to a flame? A flame would imply if he touched the money he will destroy himself. Hardly.

p.91, shouldn’t this be chapter 6?

Interesting idea at the end, with the angels messing around with superstitions. To what end? To just see what chaos they can cause?

This reads more like a basic outline for a tv series, rather than a movie. I think it might be fun to see a lucky penny fall into a different person’s hands every week, and the chaos or joy it can bring. As a movie though, you have a lot of work ahead of you. You basically have a series of shorts here, with varying degrees of conflict. The fat woman trying to lose weight, the psychic who now has real power but not the kind he wanted, the stock broker with the knack for picking the winning stock but also attracting unwanted attention. That’s fine, but an audience craves one hero to root for, and they want to see him achieve his goal within two hours. I hate to say it, but you have very little conflict here. And as such, this is a chore to read.

My interest peaked during John and the stock market stuff. I caught shades of that Bradley Cooper movie where he becomes a genius. And then Josh came in and you finally had conflict. THAT’S where your real movie is. I suggest taking all your other chapters and shrinking them down to one or two page mini scenes. All leading up to page 5 or 6 when John finds the penny. Then, at the very end, he passes the penny off. I want to see the conflict this penny causes. Even though John can now make millions, will he learn to be a better man? He will need to make a choice by the end: give up the penny or give up the woman he loves. There’s your real story… and that’s something I’d pay to see in the theater.

I’m not sure how experienced a writer you are, but I would suggest reading some produced screenplays to get a better feel for it. I don’t usually mention specific edits or formatting errors, but there were many. Get a friend to go through this with a red pen.

Lastly, this script belongs in drama, not sci-fi/fantasy.

-Duncan

Thanks for the feedback angelus 77. This is my first time writing a script with more than one story flowing through the film from start to finish. I had the idea of a television anthology series for it as well but thought I could make a movie out of it with one theme. I appreciate your comments and I will look to tighten it up.

Paul

We're all in this together. Let me know if you need anymore specific help... and best of luck!