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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  The First Day of the Rest of My Life Moderators: bert
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  Author    The First Day of the Rest of My Life  (currently 2729 views)
Don
Posted: May 15th, 2012, 11:15am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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The First Day of the Rest of My Life by Michel J. Duthin (michel) - Short - Today is John's last day before retiring and he is going to face the irony of his dull life. 10 pages - pdf, format


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-------------
You will miss 100% of the shots you don't take.
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Revision History (1 edits)
Don  -  May 16th, 2012, 8:58am
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michel
Posted: May 16th, 2012, 9:10am Report to Moderator
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Thank you Don for posting my last script. I've been away for a long time. Hope I'll be back in the saddle again soon.


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Steex
Posted: May 16th, 2012, 4:18pm Report to Moderator
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I drink your milkshake.

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Page 1-- you have "among a numerous…" should be "the", I think.
Also, in John's first line, you need a comma after "Hi".

Page 2-- you have "a tweezers".
Also, you have "an used suit".
At the bottom of page 2, you say that the pan of bacon is on his back…

Page 3-- you have "one of the SLICE of BEACON".

Page 4-- The first sentence is worded awkwardly.
I'm also not sure why you put (MRS. SANDRIDGE) in parentheses.

Page 5-- you have "over wearing make up blonde woman." That is just a very strangely worded sentence.

Page 6-- The second sentence, you're missing "of" between bag and out.
And again in the next line.

I'm not sure where you're from, but our clocks don't go to 16:30…

Page 7-- you have "she pretends to LOOKING for someone".

Page 8-- you have "His shaking hands UNFOLDS the paper."

I liked this, but it was very slow.
I understand what you were going for.
Unfortunately, it just wasn't very interesting.
Overall, it was decent.
Good job.


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kingcooky555
Posted: May 16th, 2012, 6:50pm Report to Moderator
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Hi michel,

I recognized your name. Your script "Forever... and Again" was one of the first ones I've read on this site and thought it was very good so I decided to check up on this.

After reading your logline, I only needed two pages to guess which way this is going. If you want to keep the suspense, maybe you ought to get rid of the word "irony" in the logline.

Easy quick read. Minor thing:

page 6 John is still sat at his desk.

It's an awkward sentence. "John sits by his desk" should be sufficient.

Good luck with this.
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Ledbetter
Posted: May 16th, 2012, 6:58pm Report to Moderator
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Michel,

It's good to see an old friend return. I hope all is well with you brother.

I'll give this a read after dinner and give some thoughts but I just wanted to say
welcome back.

Take care.

Shawn.....><
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michel
Posted: May 17th, 2012, 4:27pm Report to Moderator
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Steex and kingcooky555, thanks for the reading.

Steex I must admit English is not my first language, but my errors are unforgivable though the numerous rereadings.

About the pace, it means to be slow, maybe annoying to read, but I do think it wouldn't be on screen.  

kingcooky555, you're right about the logline (sigh...)

Sean, anytime....

Michel


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Steex
Posted: May 17th, 2012, 6:03pm Report to Moderator
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I drink your milkshake.

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Okay, that explains the errors.
I point out the tyos on peoples scripts not to be over-critical, only to help proofread.
I agree, I think it would look good on a screen.
There are a lot of good movies that seem slow in the script, but are great on the screen.

Keep up the good work!


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danbotha
Posted: May 17th, 2012, 11:32pm Report to Moderator
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Hi Michel.

I've had my eyes on this one for a while now. The title is incredibly intriguing and I don't think I could have come up with a better fitting title. It suits the whole script.

I enjoyed this read. There isn't much to the story IMO, but it was still a fairly easy read. Here are the things I picked up...

Page 2: On his back, in a pan, two slices of bacon are frying." - So the pan is on his back, frying the bacon? Interesting...  

"John keeps sipping his tea, when he frowns." - Very awkward sentence. I'd try: "John frowns as he sips his tea."

"Something smells bad." - Your audience wont be able to smell, so don't bother saying this.

Page 3: "... one the slice of bacon expoldes..."

I'm sure you mean "one of the slices..."

Page 6: "He wipes his mouth with style." - What exactly does that mean? Is he bopping his head while doing it? I'm not sure with the term "with style" here.

I don't usually suggest changes in the story line with scripts that I haven't written, but I do have something to suggest. Personally I think a couple a FLASHBACK sequences with his wife would be incredibly effective in this script. The point of your ending would be better identified if you had a couple flashbacks IMO.

Overall, A great read with a few minor grammatical issues.

Daniel


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CoopBazinga
Posted: May 18th, 2012, 11:47am Report to Moderator
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Hey Michel,

I have to be honest and start by saying that there are lots of grammar issues and awkward sentences but as English is your second language, I can understand that.

Not saying this is okay but understandable as if you asked me to write a script in another language, well let's just say I wouldn't get far.

So all issues aside this actually was a fast read, some really good elements.

The story is okay although predictable but it certainly has enough punch to carry itself. I do think this could be shorter and at 10 pages this felt too long for me. 

I think you did a good job of making us like the protagonist before the ending which gave it a real strong impact. If we didn't like John then it's a wasted journey but you made me care for this old man.

Although the Hawaii tickets will now go to waste now.

Good job and keep writing

Steve  
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GerryBuilt
Posted: May 18th, 2012, 5:47pm Report to Moderator
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That's it man, game over man, game over!!!

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Hi Michel,
this was a simple, effective story, which would film quite well.  Not ground breaking or life-changing (except for John) material, but seemingly watchable.

I like that your action/descriptions read very well, giving the reader a good visual; although some of the writing could be tighter: (ie "As soon as the hand reaches th 12, a deafening ringing tears the silence." could be "The hand reaches 12. A piercing alarm breaks the silence.").

Technically, the structure is spot on; you've got a good handle on that.  An excellent example of mini-slugs in action; which I haven't really understood yet.

minor typos and suggestions:
p2
-"an used suit"; "a used suit"
-maybe describe John's clothes as "well-worn" rather than "used"

p3
-Jack's briefcase turns to a satchel (happened to my character in "Vengence[sic]" too)

p4
-"his satchel on his laps"; "lap"
-"woman";"women"
-"while John types";"while is redundant
-"the";"their"

p5
-"CALLIE, a chubby and overwearing make up..."; could be "CALLIE, chubby, overly made-up..."
-"custard creams";"custard cream"

p6
-"John is still sat at his desk";"is still sat" is redundant
-"in front of this people";"these"

p7
-"shades a tear";"sheds a tear"

p8
-"forefront is increasingly sweaty"; "forehead"

Thanks for sharing.  Though predictable, this is a good story.  You've been able to make John  quite a likable character.  The structure is competent and well-written.  Well done on being able to write in a secondary language.


GerryBuilt: Blog - IMDB
Theatre of the Dead (Post-production) - Set Carpenter / Scenic Art
Winning the Fox Hunt (Short) - Art Director ("Lights! Canberra! Action!" Winner 2012)
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Ledbetter
Posted: May 18th, 2012, 7:01pm Report to Moderator
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Classic Michel Duthin writing here.

Great stuff as always my friend.

This will be yet another example of it not really mattering about the small errors because it will get picked up and filmed like Michel's work always does.

Good job buddy!

Shawn.....><
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michel
Posted: May 20th, 2012, 4:39pm Report to Moderator
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Thanks everyone for your patience, the reading, and the advices....

Danbotha, I personally think flashbacks would bring anything to the story. The tenderness of John looking at his late wife's picture is enough.

CoopBazinga, as I said I meant to have a slow pace. I know there's nothing great during the story, but I tried to express what was (is) John's life. Everyday routine. Making the story shorter would take all those things out.

GerryBuilt. I did my best to make John loveable. Though he's not an extraordinary character, his unpretentiousness, his kindness catches the eye. That's why I named him John Smith. I don't know why but I had a James Stewart-like character in head when I wrote it.

Shawn. Thanks for your nice comments. Hope this one will be filmed too. Everytime I write a script I still have in mind the budget. That's why I had many of my shorts filmed.

Once again, thank you....


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cloroxmartini
Posted: May 20th, 2012, 6:52pm Report to Moderator
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I don't like the ending.

The beginning starts cliche, hand silencing an alarm.

The set up of the apartment being frozen in time means nothing so maybe start with John practicing his final lines and not in front of the mirror as he tends to his morning routine. That, too, is cliche.

The ending is cliche. Why did you make John die? The contrast to the note is not profound enough (for me) for the death to make many sense. Maybe if he had a bomb that he was going to set off at his final party because he hated everyone, and then he died before he could set it off, and his note pertained to that, then maybe there would be a point in him dying: ironic justice. But here I don't see the point. Maybe it's his 40 some odd years and he has never lived and he dies before he can, but I don't know that, and that, too, would be cliche.

I don't see a story in this short.
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danbotha
Posted: May 20th, 2012, 11:03pm Report to Moderator
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Quoted from michel

Danbotha, I personally think flashbacks would bring anything to the story. The tenderness of John looking at his late wife's picture is enough.


Okay, fair enough  

Still a great read, though. Can't wait to take a look at more of your writing

Daniel


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Colkurtz8
Posted: May 22nd, 2012, 5:10am Report to Moderator
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Michel

It been awhile since I read something for you and I’ve always admired your simple, unfussy way of telling stories.

You created a very sweet, sympathetic character in John. The build up was slow, measured and well handled; his repeated recital of the speech over and over again, the incident with the exploding bacon and  the banter in the office highlighting the reverence his co-workers have for him made him all the more endearing. An ominous tone pervaded proceedings though and you just knew it wasn’t going to end well. This isn’t a criticism by the way, just an observation.

Although I think it is made rather too explicit in the line:

JOHN
I love you. Always did.
(a beat)
See you tonight.

-- This didn’t leave much to the imagination and from then on, the reader can assume he’ll do away with himself once he gets these retirement formalities out of the way.

However, on the flip side, you do throw a curveball by having him keel over when reading the speech he’s obviously sweated over for days. It appears tragic on the outset but the smile on his face was a well executed twist to let us know he’s probably better off this way. It tempered an otherwise bleak ending in a sweet if wistful manner.

Nice work.

Col.


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