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Captian Hades Another World (currently 1244 views)
Don
Posted: May 29th, 2012, 5:33pm
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So, what are you writing?
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Captain Hades Another World by Peter Martin (allpoint) - Short, Action, Adventure - An Action, adventure story set around the crew of a ship for hire. This is the first in a series set around eight mining planets. I have started making this movie using an animation program called Iclone. 31 pages - pdf, format
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Gage
Posted: June 6th, 2012, 10:47pm
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I see that this one hasn't gotten a proper read, and I think I've seen allpoint around here before, so thought I might as well try (not sure if I have enought time to finish).
Right off the bat, the first slug isn't formatted correctly. The first sentence runs on for quite awhile, and the word "fizzles" is spelled incorrectly. I see re-writes.
There also appears to be no punctuation in the dialogue.
You also seem to fade out every two or three pages. This doesn't connect the scenes very well at all; the structure needs some work. Right now it seems like a collage of events.
Overall, it's gonna need some work, but hey, at least you made the effort.
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