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Dark Entrance by Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - Horror, Dark Comedy - A young man struggles to stop reliving the day he killed his brother. 65 pages - pdf, format
Thanks to Gary for reading this twice and his reviews.
Hope you all enjoy.
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
Thought I'd give check some early pages on this - see how it went.
Great start - I liked the pace; a good quick read, and intruige from the off.
A couple of things took my attention:
## I’ll better have -- should be I'd better have?
## Now, I highly doubt -- ??
Couple of big chunks of dialogue when he was driving ... was he looking at us throught, or was he looking at the road - may have worked with a couple of left, right turns, just to break the dialogue some - you break the dialogue nicely later on ..
## in your case. Lucky bastards. -- from singular to plural - this stood out a little.
## Cliff notes version. (?) -- might be me being ignorant - but what does this eman?
## Inside the apartment, Danny’s cell RINGS. -- This threw me - Danny's not been introduced, so it looked like a newbie's mistake - 'a cell rings'?
## What can be gathered is -- this had me thinking it's a bit first-drafty a bit tell not show, but I guessed this was an oversight going by comparison with the rest of what I read.
I'll check feedback as it comes in, but from early day -- it looks good.
Great start - I liked the pace; a good quick read, and intruige from the off.
That's good. lol. I really tried my best to make this great as possible.
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## I’ll better have -- should be I'd better have?
Duly noted.
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## Now, I highly doubt -- ??
What's wrong with it?
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Couple of big chunks of dialogue when he was driving ... was he looking at us throught, or was he looking at the road - may have worked with a couple of left, right turns, just to break the dialogue some - you break the dialogue nicely later on ..
Driving. He was looking at the road, glancing at us a couple of times. But I didn't want to be to specific in direction so I left it as is.
I tried to make him not talk as much. He doesn't as the script progresses.
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## in your case. Lucky bastards. -- from singular to plural - this stood out a little.
3. (used informally to indicate all members of a group, occupation, etc., or things of a particular type): Take your factory worker, for instance. Your power brakes don't need that much servicing.
That's what I intended to use your. Christian is talking to us, the audience member, after all.
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## Cliff notes version. (?) -- might be me being ignorant - but what does this eman?
The low down. The quick and simple version.
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## Inside the apartment, Danny’s cell RINGS. -- This threw me - Danny's not been introduced, so it looked like a newbie's mistake - 'a cell rings'?
I wanted it to be clear on whose cellphone was ringing since later on Iago's cell rings.
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## What can be gathered is -- this had me thinking it's a bit first-drafty a bit tell not show, but I guessed this was an oversight going by comparison with the rest of what I read.
That's what we see at that time. I didn't want to reveal Danny all together and tried to not use "we" as much.
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I'll check feedback as it comes in, but from early day -- it looks good.
Hope you enjoy it.
Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
Hey, sorry for getting back so late but I'm quite busy finishing up a feature which surprisingly has a protagonist that shares your first name.
First, I think technically it's clean. Easy to read and follow. The only main gripe I have is the POV issue. I think we the audience is supposed to be Iago. I had to re-read the first three pages a couple of times to get this.
You might want to just flat out state POV - IAGO to make it clear. Maybe it's just me, but if a reader/producer has to go back and re-read the first few pages, it will take them out of the "flow." Your job in the first 10 pages is to suck them in as fast as possible.
Here are my notes for the first 12 pages -
pg 2 "I'm Christian. One word name." Try this - "I'm Christian - one word." pg 2 Christian's monologue here reads awkward. The line "can't say his name because I'll be summoning him..." feels on-the-nose and blatant exposition. Consider striking that.
"I'm one of his employees, a tormenter. I torment." Strike "I torment." Try to use another verb that does not use the root word for the noun "tormenter." It's like saying I'm a killer. I kill. Or "I'm a driver. I drive." The problem with using the root word to describe the noun is that it doesn't really add anything. Also, it again feels like lazy exposition.
pg 3 - "Beats driving or taking public transportation but, got to use it sparingly... It takes a lot of energy..." It's better if you show this. Maybe they use magic teleportation and Christian's becomes extremely exhausted. I would prefer to see this in action rather than description in dialogue.
pg 5 An unemployed 26 year old turned writer. "Turned" is unnecessary. Just say he's a 26 year old unemployed writer. The monologue hear doesn't work for me. Too much blatant expostion. You're better off cutting most of this and end with "He's my client." Leave the exposition later on.
pg 6 - Another blatant monologue with exposition. The lines "I have the ability to skip certain scenes, actions, etc." I think you can really cut most of this. And why is he explain so much. We are Iago aren't we? So shouldn't we know what's happening at the moment? Or course I'm probably wrong as I haven't gone past 12 pages yet.
pg 8 - Unnecessary explanation from Christian as we see body is buried next scene.
pg 9 - "is located at." doesn't follow from the ellipsis from the prior scene. Also it reads awkward with a broken sentence at the beginning of a scene.
After 12 pages, I think a lot of Christian's monologues can be really cut. A lot of it is unnecessary explanation. Some of it tells us what we're seeing anyway. If you're gonna use monologue/narration, I prefer if you use it to tell us more about Christian. Use it to give his opinion on what we're seeing. Right now, I think Christian is just a vehicle to provide backstory and exposition.
As a tormenter, Christian really talks a lot. I would prefer if he was more of the cool veteran/pro. Doesn't talk much except to express snide remarks and goes about his business. Maybe it was your decision to make him talkative (a la Jules from Pulp Fiction)?
Gonna continue later as time permits. To Be Continued.
Thanks King. No problem take the time you need. I's curious to read that feature. I better be the one surviving and with the beautiful chick at the end.
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The only main gripe I have is the POV issue. I think we the audience is supposed to be Iago. I had to re-read the first three pages a couple of times to get this.
I think you read it wrong since we are not Iago. We are just the audience. Iago is the protagonist in the story Christain's going to tell us. That's why in the opening, he asks us Iago.
If we were Iago, I would have had Christain call us Iago as he speaks to us later on.
This was intended for the 7owc. Even though I didn't enter it, I still tried to follow the rules like keeping it low budget and a thriller. I tried to find low budget ways of doing things like the teleportation, a simple covering and uncovering of the camera. lol.
That's also why these characters talk a lot, but I made sure it was relevant to the script. Christian's exposition in the beginning is important since he's bringing us up to speed with what's he doing here, why we're there, who he is, who the characters are etc. In addition, it gives us an insight to his character.
He is also the narrator so he commands the story. He's telling us the story the way he wants too. He takes us from one scene to the other. Like the pg. 8 reference you make. I think that's kind of cool and it's a good transition technique. lol. He's helpful in explaining things. And later on, he's a good entertainer.
Hope this helps explain some of your issues. If you have any more, let me know.
Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
First, I think technically it's clean. Easy to read and follow. The only main gripe I have is the POV issue. I think we the audience is supposed to be Iago. I had to re-read the first three pages a couple of times to get this.
Sorry, but I have to jump in here on this. King Kooky, c'mon now...are you serious? For reals? You state in the same paragraph that this script is "technically clean" and "easy to read and follow". Then you say you had to reread the first 3 pages multiple times and still had to make an assumption you weren't sure about.
How could this possibly be easy to read and follow?
Gabe, listen, man. I just want to help and you need the truth to help. This is not technically clean or easy to read and follow. In fact, it's extremely confusing and impossible to follow.
Using the name, "Iago" for someone who seems to potentially be a main character, is an interesting and probably dangerous choice. Those not well read won't have a clue this is even a name, most likely. Those who do know their shit, will immediately think of Othello, and see this character as a bad guy, and or (if younger), maybe even think of the Aladdin character. Bottom line is that when you use a "strange" name that is famous or infamous, IMO, you're setting yourself up for problems.
I tried to read through the first 5 pages, and was just completely lost and baffled. I am familiar with your source material, as I gave extensive notes on your Soul Shadows version.
Maybe it's me, Gabe, but your writing isn't working for me at all. When I read Max's Traveling Carnival, I was literally clueless throughout. I feel much the same after reading your opening 5 here. Something in your head isn't making it to the page, or else there are numerous very strong drugs involved that I'm not privy to.
I'm going to recommend what I did last time - write an extremely simple short with a few characters and a basic, structured plot/story and see how it turns out. See how your readers react to it. Doesn't matter if it's a rehash of any classic simple story. Your prose needs attention before you can write these wild, wacky plots and stories.
I don't mean to be harsh or mean, but I do want to be 100% honest with you, so you know where I'm coming from.
I'm open to being completely honest. One can't learn if you don't know your mistakes.
Just to mention one item.
Iago - It's a name. People have chosen weirder names. lol. I do think of Othello when I hear Iago but, that doesn't mean the film's going to be about that character unless the synopsis or logline reflects that. My logline doesn't make any reference to Othello or Aladdin.
Thanks though and sorry that you didn't like it.
Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
Clean meaning... lots of white space. And no 5+ line action paragraphs.
I reread the first 3 pages for story purposes. I had an issue with POV and story issues.
OK, but we should all be clear and understand how easily words can be misconstrued, which is why I always say exactly what I mean when giving feedback.
Cooky, it's funny in a way, because according to Gabe, your assumption of "us" being Iago, was incorrect, even after reading multiple times. But don't feel bad, because the way it's written it most definitely infers that the entire opening is in Iago's POV, meaning "we" or "us" is referring to Iago's POV, which we are watching through.
It's 1 of many serious flaws in the opening, and Gabe needs to be aware of this and why it's such an issue.
Iago - It's a name. People have chosen weirder names. lol. I do think of Othello when I hear Iago but, that doesn't mean the film's going to be about that character unless the synopsis or logline reflects that. My logline doesn't make any reference to Othello or Aladdin.
Gabe, I think you're missing my point on your name choice here.
First of all, as far as I'm concerned, it's far from a standard name that you hear. But more importantly, it's a name associated with a "classic" work of fiction. For instance, if you named a character "Luke Skywalker" or Verbal Kint, can you see potential issues, just based on name recognition alone?
I see what you mean Jeff but, what about using Luke from Luke Skywalker? That's my point about using Iago. I'm sure someone has Iago as a name as well.
People are entitled to their opinions. Some are not going to like it while others are. Same thing with who gets it and those who don't. There's nothing I can do about it. But in my defense, I had two people read this script who had no problems understanding the opening segment. One of them was Gary who had reviewed the short a long time ago and, the other was Greg who didn't read the short at all. Gary's only complaint was to trim the scene. I also remember Pia mentioning that so I did. I tried to make sure this script was clear.
Furthermore, according to Sil,
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Great start - I liked the pace; a good quick read, and intruige from the off.
Was he bsing me? Don't think so cause he's not one to bs in his reviews.
Why I opened the script like in that fashion? Because we are there to hear about Iago's story. So I decided to say Iago.
I take my comment back and apologize if I said something bad King. Sometimes you get close to your material that you don't see your mistakes. It didn't connect that the dialogue could be interpreted in two ways. Would "Iago's tale?" be ok for that portion?
Note: in no way I'm trying to be an ass. I'm trying to be helpful in my responses and learn as well. At times, it's difficult to determine tone in these message boards. lol. Also, I'm taking this all into consideration when I go back and revise my script.
Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/
Gabe, first of all, you're not being an ass, and you can and should defend or question any and all points you don't agree with.
Luke is a common name and by itself has nothing to do with Star Wars or any certain literary character.
As far as I know, Iago in Othello and Aladdin did not have last names, meaning the characters were only known and referred to as "Iago". It is not a common name by any means, thus, you run the risk of drawing reference to these characters, rightly or wrongly.
Also, you know no matter what the script or movie is, you're going to get differing viewpoints. In no way am I saying Simon is right or wrong in what he said and what he feels. I'm merely giving you my take, and I'm drawing from Cooky's as well.
If you feel this is clear and "good" as written, that's your decision. To be completely honest, I highly doubt anyone is going to agree that the opening is clear, easily understandable, and well written.
I'm simply explaining myself. This is your opinion. And you're entitled to your opinion. I can't take that away from you. But I'm entitled for my opinion and expressing my opinion as well.
I did my best to make this script great. And I gotta stick behind it. Now, that doesn't mean I'm not going to revise it later on according to the reviews I get. No. I'm happy with what I intended to do with the story for now. Creating some funny sick shit that will make you think back to it in a positive light. lol.
Iago - If they could use the name Iago in two different films, it says that the name can be used for anything. lol. I totally get what you mean Jeff, but you gotta understand my point as well.
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To be completely honest, I highly doubt anyone is going to agree that the opening is clear, easily understandable, and well written.
I think you were proven wrong from the comment I just quoted. lol. You left yourself out in the open man. I had to take it. lol.
Gabe
Just Murdered by Sean Elwood (Zombie Sean) and Gabriel Moronta (Mr. Ripley) - (Dark Comedy, Horror) All is fair in love and war. A hopeless romantic gay man resorts to bloodshed to win the coveted position of Bridesmaid. 99 pages. https://www.simplyscripts.net/cgi-bin/Blah/Blah.pl?b-comedy/m-1624410571/