Cowboy's Burden by R. Mazaar - Short, Sci Fi, Fantasy -  A cowboy's quest for revenge ends with mixed results. 9 pages - pdf, format

Not sure if you are around Rockland, if so I could give more feedback. It didn't really work for me but I'll give you one thing, that's  an unusual story.

One issue I had was the extent of VO which doesn't seem to connected to the story. The use of VO rather than showing story, can be a weak way of getting something across.

All the best.

Hello, Reef.
Thanks for the read and comment. I wrote this as an exercise.

I wanted to write an action short--I wasn't really concerned with genre-- that was fewer than 10 pgs but felt  like a full story.

I think short action scripts are under represented and too often are reduced to just "scenes" despite the best efforts of authors.

I know V.O. and flashbacks too can be problematic, especially in full length scripts.

The full length scripts I'm writing don't have V.O.s or flashbacks.

But given the brevity I h ad in mind, V.O.s seemed to be an effective way to build tension before the battle occurred.

But I'm opened to suggestions, considering the page limit I have in mind.

Best Regards

Hi Rockland - this is from your feature, then? I checked back, 'cos I recognized the opening.

I can see what you're trying to do, and in principle, it's certainly a good idea to see what story you have here.

The story's okay really - it's nothing major though, as it's a variation on what's been done before, but probably worth pursuing, certainly as an extension to the exercise.

As for going forward - my  main concern is the formatting. Like I said with your feature length version of this - I wasn't too sure about the expository dialogue, but since the guy's on his own, I guess we can go for it for the time being.

The rest of the formatting needs some work - there's too much POV stuff going on; too many repeated slugs, and the WIPE keeps on making an appearance. See how it looks without all of this stuff, as most of it is there for the sake of it.

Lastly, a little bug-bear that I've seen a couple of people doing:
CLOSE UP ON SOMETHING
If you deeply believe you have to use 'close' then do so, but everything after the SHOT needs to come back down to lower case.

It's a good piece to play around with really - hone some of the skills. I hope you re-write and post, as I think you're going in the right direction.

Best o' luck.

Rather enjoyed this one.  Definitely one of the most creative and idiosyncratic scripts I have read in a while, great job on letting your imagination and genre-blending skills run free.

That said, I could do without the shot directions (unless this is a shooting script) because it takes me out of the moment.

That's my only real complaint.  Good job.

Hey Rockland,

Thought I would take a peek at this one, it had its moments but the story became a bit and I say the word lightly “unbelievable” for my liking.

The first half was okay. A revenge tale involving a dragon and a cowboy who has a big rifle and a mechanical arm. As I’m writing this out I actually think it could have been better than it was but it was quite fun.

The second half really fell away for me, as soon as that mechanical arm started dragging itself across the road I was lost. All I can say is it must have took it a long time to get back, I was kinda hoping to see it pull out a thumb and hitch a ride back.

Then the two tech guys talk about it being the cowboy and how he must be dead… how the hell would they know that?

And then the cowboy gets cloned into… well let’s not spoil it for potential readers.

Look, I’ve seen that this is the something that is being developed into a feature and I for one would be interested in reading some more of this strange tale. I’m interested to see where you’re going with this.

However, it’s hard to look away from the many inconsistencies and errors that were on display with the writing and technique throughout. This really did harm the read for me sorry to say. Also the (V.O) needs to be addressed, too much exposition going on which is fruitless to the story.

Also get rid of those transitions and camera directions, this one (WIPE TO) I’ve never actually seen before?

Overall it needs some work but it had a fun opening.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Thanks for the reads and comments  SiC, AsteroidJuice--cool name--and Steve.

  This script was conceived as a short actioner--10 pages or fewer-- inspired by Moby Dick--Cowboy being Ahab and the Dragon being Moby Dick. I wanted it to feel like it had a beginning/middle/ending. Considering it's brevity, I thought the V.O. was the best way (or at least the best I could do) to give the back-story, reveal the Cowboy's obsession with revenge, foreshadow the ending, and set up the Cowboy/Dragon battle scene.

  You all seem to have come to the same conclusion--regardless of your opinion of the story--that the script is too cluttered with camera direction and transitions (there are a few spelling errors, too). Steve you spotted "many inconsistencies and errors."
If it's not a "burden" (pun), could you point them out to me. I would really appreciate it.

Thanks for the critique and advice. I do appreciate it.

PS. Steve, I read the "Chat up Line." I liked it. I'm going to post a comment about it. I hope you check it out.

Hey Rockland,

Quoted from rmaze Steve you spotted "many inconsistencies and errors." If it's not a "burden" (pun), could you point them out to me. I would really appreciate it.

No worries, I took another look at the opening three pages and jotted down some notes/observations. Hopefully they’ll be of some help to you here.

P.1 “A Harvester International Scout SS”

Why go into so much description here? “Scout SS” would have sufficed and got the point across.

“It’s topless and doorless” Reads wrong to me and “door less” is two words. It should have also been in the description before.

“A door less convertible Scout SS drives…” Then move into your INT. scene.

“A man wearing a cowboy hat, shades, Western style shirt with the sleeves partially rolled up, and blue jeans is in the driver’s seat.”

This is overwriting and needs to be trimmed down. Is all that attire really important? Also glad you told me he’s in the driver’s seat.

“The cowboy shifts gears and his boot steps on the
accelerator.”

So the cowboy or man as he was described in the previous paragraph isn’t capped on first intro.

Even little passage is overwritten and again its superfluous details. We already know he’s driving. You don’t have to explain how he’s driving.

“CLOSE ON THE COWBOY’S FACE”

Get rid of the directions as they add nothing and take up valuable space. I won’t mention them again, think you’ve got the idea.

So now the (V.O) starts and he’s telling us the score in their little game and how they killed each other’s crews, wasn’t aware that dragons had crews but nevertheless.

He also states he was happy to end it there, again why I have no idea? Would you be able to have a truce with a dragon?

“The terrain is slowly changing. Mountains appear in the
background as the speeding Scout proceeds. The blue sky is
turning pink and the yellow flats are turning gray.”

This line isn’t bad and is a nice visual but it needs to be tighter, no need to say the Scout is still proceeding or speeding.

P.2 “GPS SCREEN”

So he’s tracking the dragon with a GPS device but how did he get the tracker on the dragon?

Also don’t feel you need these mini-slugs “dashboard” and “GPS screen” These could have been INT. Scout and it would have saved space. If you wanted to emphasise these then cap them but only if it’s that important.

“The same steely face and shades.” See this, it’s called repetitive. Try not to repeat info the reader already knows. I found out he had a steely face a page ago and this is the third reference to shades.

“If ever there was a truce, you
broke it last year when you pearlhabored
me.”

All this dialogue can go… the next one when talking about the arm is okay as we’ll concentrating on the arm at this moment. But I wouldn’t go too far into “it’s better than any God given arm” Just about the dragon burning it off is enough.

“THE CYBERNETIC AND CLONING LAB CO.” Sorry but this is a rubbish name for a hi-tech future company. This might be what they do but there needs to be cooler name IMO. Just a thought.

The next line of dialogue is so “on the nose” about them cloning him, you’re basically telling me he’s going to die and be cloned.

P.3 “INT. SCOUT SS II-BACK SEAT” Space out the slugs. I’m also confused as to why the “back seat” didn’t have a mini-slug, everything else has in the car?

“On the backseat” Repeated info, you’ve told me in the slug

“WHY JUST KILL’EM WHEN YOU CAN REDUCE HIM TO ASHES.” That’s sexist! Why not "her" as well

Again the next line of dialogue is redundant, I think the rifle and slogan speaks for itself.

“The Scout is speeding. Sand and dirt billow in its trail.” Déjà vu or what… I’m pretty sure I’ve seen this exact line at the beginning.

“Through the windshield, a winged creature is seen flying in
the sky ahead of the jeep.”

Look at this line… you’ve told us it’s a P.O.V so why have “through the windshield” As it’s flying overhead, don’t you think it would have more impact to have a shadow fly over the Scout before the cowboy looks up to the sky.

Why “a winged creature” it’s a dragon so “a DRAGON”

And then “jeep” Now here’s the inconsistency… you’ve gone from a Scout to a jeep in 4 pages. Now I’m no 4WD expert but I believe they’re completely different models of car by different manufacturers.

“A shadow engulfs the Scout from above. The cowboy glances up as…

EXT. DESERT FLATS

A DRAGON flies overhead. It does a u-turn mid-air, heads straight for the Scout, ROARS…

SCOUT

The cowboy slams on the brakes, watches the dragon intently.”

Obviously it’s rough but hopefully you get the point as to what I’m saying.

“INT. GPS SCREEN” Are we actually inside the GPS screen?

“While driving, he cowboy reaches” typo, he is supposed to be “the”

“The jeep is speeding along the flats” Again, repeated info. I think you’ve told us about 5-6 times the Scout is speeding.

So that’s the first three pages in a nutshell, I actually think you could trim this down to one/one and half pages if you cut out the fluff.

Like I said in the previous post, I think the first half is fun so I wish you all the luck in extending this unusual story into a feature.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Hey Rockland

I see Steve's given you plenty to go on so I'll keep it sweet...

'Harvester International Scout SS II', this is very specific, I wonder if it's significant?
If not, I wonder why you mention it.  If I wrote about a car I would just say it's a saloon or sports car or something, and not 'it's a Porsche 911 GT3 RS'.

Your Cowboy needs a better introduction.  Plus I'd capitalise COWBOY.

Your descriptions include a lot of 'ing' words, some people will frown upon this.  Try to use different words, example:
'The terrain is slowly changing. Mountains appear in the background as the speeding Scout proceeds. The blue sky is turning pink and the yellow flats are turning grey.'
Try...
'The terrain slowly changes. Mountains appear in the distance as the Scout proceeds. The blue sky turns pink and the yellow flats turn grey'.

Some of the Cowboy's dialogue is a bit on the nose. His description of his hand and how he can be cloned doesn't flow too well and feels forced.

Try using 'A series of Shots' in some places as the number of short scenes slows the pace. The slugs take more time reading than the action.

The mech arm becomes its own entity and thus provides evidence that you could cut all the V.O's explaining about it.

I find V.O's work best when they address the audience but the Cowboy's are all aimed towards his advisory, It feels a bit awkward.

The story here is okay but it needs a bit of work.  The pace is too slow at the moment but it's by no means a dead fish.  A bit of work will make a huge difference.

What's up, Steve.

Thanks for the comprehensive critique. It seems like you spent a fair bit of time on it--I truly do appreciate it. Putting my glaring typos and grammatical errors aside, I had no idea the technical aspects of my writing were so off the mark. Hopefully, in the future, after I get some more experience and input (I'm planning to enter script writing contests) I'll be able to pass on some nuggets of wisdom and advice to the absolute beginner.

Thanks again.

Hey Rockland,

I'm not usually a fan of Sci-fi, but I have to admit, I enjoyed this. You have a protagonist that I just had to love.

As I'm not directing this, I'm not a huge fan of all the transitions you use, but that's personal preference.

I haven't got much else to say besides you've done well and I liked it. Where can I find the feature, mate?

Daniel

Thanks for reads, alffy and dan,

alffy, watching out for "ing" words is a great piece of advice. I'm already using it on a short I plan to post on the board.

Dan, thanks for positive review. I'm pleased you enjoyed the script. You said you're interested in the feature; if you mean a full 120 pager, sorry. This was conceived as a short inspired Moby Dick. I have no plans to expand it.

Best regards.

Rockland,

I'm a big fan of science-fiction so I was excited to give this a read. I thought it to be very creative and I found myself picturing all the scenes. My biggest complaint would be the VO which just seems to be a redundant explanation of what is visually there. In fact I felt almost no dialogue was needed at all. This short would be very visual and I think have more impact on the viewer just focusing on the action. It was a bit simplistic in terms of the genetics of the cloning. Perhaps a bit more detail would make it more believable. Also, I like to know where I am in time which I don't believe was revealed.

Thanks for a good read, tho. Quick and easy!

Hello, Joe.
Thanks for reading my short and posting a comment. I'm pleased to read you enjoyed it. You're observation about the simplistic science is correct. This short is heavy on the fantasy and light on the sci-fi. As for the time and location, the story takes place in a fantasy world that mixes sci-fi, mythology and commonplace stuff.
Thanks again.

Best regards.

Rockland

This was a strange one.

The format has some issues which others have addressed so I won’t go into them. Story-wise it’s an interesting mash–up of a wild-west vengeance, LOTR fantasy and The Fly type science fiction/body horror. A genre clash I haven’t seen before so props for originality.

I loved the aesthetic of the opening scenes as this revenge riddled one armed farmer drives across the wide open expanse of his land in the harvester, something simplistic, desolate yet grandiose about the surroundings which is always present in any good western, just a man and his bitter thoughts.

I think the initial abundance of VO is a problem, it got so overcooked by the third page that I thought you were doing it for comedy rather than straight drama. It strayed into comic territory at times due to the sheer po-faced, overtly violent and on-the-nose delivery of the Cowboy’s dialogue.

I presume like everyone I was surprised by the appearance of the dragon on this bucolic setting. I like how you give no indication of the true nature of the protagonist’s foe until we see it. The harvester’s GPS facility and the details about cloning and his mechanical arm gets us thinking that this isn’t set back in the 1900s but no one is gonna suspect a vindictive flying reptile!

It’s probably been said already but the harvester mysteriously turns into a jeep on page 3 and then back into the harvester by page 5. I know there is some odd goings on in this script’s world but I take it this isn’t a transformer.

I had to laugh at the arm making its way back to the lab and fighting off the curious coyote. Not in a mocking way, it was just a bizarre image, very Addams family.

The ending was pretty cool, very Cronenberg-esque but again it felt like it was taking itself too seriously. Maybe this was your intention but the whole concept is so out there and absurd that I think it would help if you injected a bit of comedy into it. As it’s written, particularly in the dialogue, it’s difficult to know whether you were knowingly playing for laughs or being deadly serious.

Overall it’s an interesting, definitely original piece, lots of filmic references in there all mixed up in a crazy little story. Technically the writing needs work but your imagination is certainly firing on all cylinders.

Best of luck.

Col.