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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short  ›  Chapter One - Filmed Moderators: bert
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SimplyScripts
Posted: June 22nd, 2012, 9:57pm Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Chapter One by Tony Beaulieu - Short, Horror - First dates can sometimes be very frightening.  11 pages - pdf, format

Chapter 1 from SweetUnknown on Vimeo.



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.



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Revision History (1 edits)
SimplyScripts  -  February 10th, 2013, 12:06pm
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Posted: June 23rd, 2012, 8:54pm Report to Moderator
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irish eyes
Posted: June 23rd, 2012, 10:07pm Report to Moderator
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Ya...What Simon says.

Mark


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tonybe78
Posted: June 24th, 2012, 12:33am Report to Moderator
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The script can be found here:

http://www.mediafire.com/view/?lmd76o8l6hu6l6o

Sorry for the snafu!


Hemingway had a poster on the wall above his work desk that said, "The first draft of anything is s***.". I also have that poster.
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Alex_212
Posted: June 25th, 2012, 10:00am Report to Moderator
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Tried the link and it says "temporarily unavailable"

Will try back later !

Alex


PLEASE TAKE A PEEK AT SOME OF MY WORK:-

CLICK HERE: Please comment or PM me.
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Posted: June 25th, 2012, 5:50pm Report to Moderator
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Sorry - can't do this one - it's direction from the very off.

If you have to do shots (inadvisable) then there are methods for doing them - not just writing it in the script.

EXE. should be EXT.
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SimplyScripts
Posted: February 10th, 2013, 12:07pm Report to Moderator
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Filmed:

Chapter 1 from SweetUnknown on Vimeo.



Visit http://www.simplyscripts.com for what is new on the site.



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LC
Posted: February 14th, 2013, 10:10am Report to Moderator
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Read it and watched it.

The script is very different to the finished product. Gotta say I liked the original scipted version better. I wasn't sure who the killer was in the filmed version, until the final scene when it appeared to be your female character... (contrary to the written version) and a few scenes seemed be omitted in your filmed version too, which I don't necessarily think made for as satisfactory a story.

Well done getting it made though.

On another note, the music is very professional - impressed with that, especially the top and tail, and at about the 4 minute mark where it amplifies the suspense.


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Dreamscale
Posted: February 14th, 2013, 11:49am Report to Moderator
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Overall I was impressed with this (filmed version).  Not so impressed with the written version.

Sure, there are some areas that need attention, but for a no budget film, it shows signs of talent.


To ski or not to ski...that's not even a question.
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Electric Dreamer
Posted: February 14th, 2013, 12:39pm Report to Moderator
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Haven't read the script.
But I watched the short film.
Clear up the murder part if you can.
A CU or two of an anguished face would help lots.

Pretty engaging for a lot of talking head stuff.
Gotta say, your leads have chemistry.
And that helps a ton in low budget shorts!

So good on you and best of luck!

Regards,
E.D.


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hawkeye
Posted: February 14th, 2013, 6:36pm Report to Moderator
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Haven't noticed Tony making too many comments around here so I'll keep my comments brief for the moment.

The formatting is all wrong on the script.  You shouldn't have the date on the script, particularly on every page.  You have the page numbers at the bottom of the page, where they should be at the right-hand top of the page.  You start the numbering on the title page, but it should actually start on the second page of the script itself.

You only have one slug line for a scene in the entire script, when they exit the movie theater.  But the action takes place mostly away from the theater, so you should break up the script into various scenes accordingly.

I'm guessing you're not using a screenplay program to write with, so you should look into something like Trelby or Celtx if you're interested in continuing with the writing.  Those are free programs that can help you keep the script in proper format.

The dialogue isn't badly written--it's just...I don't know, it just jumps around and goes on for eight or nine pages and then all of sudden we get to the climax and it just comes out of left field.  That's okay, but no foreshadowing or anything to lead us to understand why he does this.   And then for him to sit down and just start writing, well, that just didn't ring true at all with me.   Others appear to have like the film and now that you have filmed it I doubt you'll go back and re-write this, but just remember formatting and plotting as you go forward.  Good on you for getting this filmed and good luck in the future.

Gary


My Pieces of cr** Screenplays on SS:


TRICK OF THE TRADE (short)

THE FAMILY MAN (short)

LAST RITES (short)

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jwent6688
Posted: February 14th, 2013, 7:45pm Report to Moderator
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DOUBLE SPACE YOUR FRIGGIN' SLUGS!!!

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Nice film. I didn't read the script.

I'm trying to learn film myself. I could tell this was shot with a very shallow depth of field. The focus shifts back and forth alot. It works in some films and annoys in others.

I didn't get what we were looking at after the killer pulled the knife out. Watched it twice. I'm guessing it was her shoes? Which there was a nice close up of earlier.

Anyway, nice short. It went a different way then most will expect. Congrats on having it made.

James


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Posted: February 18th, 2013, 2:51am Report to Moderator
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Tony

First off, congratulations on getting this filmed.

No point going into formatting so I‘ll just focus on story.

Frankly, I find it hard to believe that a girl who likes Mario Bava (or at least enjoyed one of his films and was willing to go to the cinema to see it) doesn’t know who Black Sabbath is.

BRENNAN
Looking to go a little more
reality based…

- Bit of a giveaway line here.

The dialogue flows nicely, the banter between the two is sweet and light and since talking about films is one of my favourite things to do (to the occasional annoyance of others I'd imagine) I was engaged in their conversation.

The closing scene really ups the ante in an impressive way, the nature in which Stacy is sliced open is skilfully written while providing a shocking counterpoint to the idyllic scenes and mood that preceded it.

However, because of the above line I quoted I could see the twist coming so the ending lacked the impact it could’ve had. I like the idea of following a serial killer/amateur writer as he documents his “trophies” in the form of a quasi epistolary novel and the tie-in with the script’s title. Its Gonzo journalism taken to the extreme and definitely a cool concept but the method of delivering the story was a little too straightforward for my liking thus it suffered from predictability.

Also, I hope he doesn’t always intend to actually sit down and compose the diary entry there and then at the scene of the crime?!

Congrats again on getting it filmed. Perhaps it could even be suitable material for a (over 18s of course) web series; an indvidual episode for each chapter…although that may get tedious.

Col.


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