Annabelle by Allan Groves - Short - A conformed man, repressed by societal norms, is haunted by a mysterious stranger determined to kill him, and steal away the woman of his dreams. 22 pages - pdf, format

First impressions, this reminded me of 'Wanted'.

Page 2 gives us a hefty bit of dialogue that might benefit from being broken up some.

It's tending toward the over-written side of the fence, and it'd be very effective, I think, should certain passages be broken up.

The Eccentric Man breaks the mood very nicely on the train - I liked that.

     ADEN
Uh... Nope. (Backtracking) Well you
know, I got a couple girls. That
you know, I’m seeing.
-- Wryly needs either pulling or positioning correctly. Also I think the period after 'girls' doesn't work.

     ECCENTRIC MAN
  (admiring the word)
Simplemente.
-- Something like 'nods' is just as effective.

## He pours a few pills into his hand from a prescription
bottle. Tilting back his head, he pops them in his mouth,
quickly following it up with a swig from an old soda can
resting on the coffee table.
-- This in particular is what I mean by you over-writing - I'm not sure how differently it would film to something like:
'He downs some pills, and swigs on a soda' - yet we've got three and a half line, doing what barely one can do ... ?

On page 6 I'm losing this somewhat. I don't recall Aden having anything else in his hands, so if the box is the only thing he had when he came in ... how come he effectively forgets about it? This is all story-time and we're wasting it on pill-popping and couch-sitting.

## It takes him only a minute, but soon realizes
that his apartment is empty.
-- That, in film terms, is an awful long time. Let's be honest, that's a long time in real time.

## in a pile of rubble down below, is what was once his living room.
-- Sorry, I don't get this bit ... ?

Annabelle makes a step to move away just as the train makes a turn, which causes Annabelle to loose her balance and grab onto Aden.

This action, coupled with the force of gravity, sends the two of them to the ground ...

-- I'm dipping out at this point - the above does show how over-writing, misuse of punctuation, and improperly breaking up your action lines can make something completely fall on its face:

'The Train moves off, rocking Annabelle on her heels - she falls on to Aden - he keels - and they both hit the ground.'

or something similar to keep the sequence flowing.

I think the story has potential here, but it'll need a re-work.