Tonight by Charlie Huckelberry - Short - Today should be one of the best days of Nick's life, but things change quickly. . 4 pages - pdf, format

Charlie,

I' m not one for going on about errors in a script (starting with the stupid sin of having your title page go on to two pages because your email address went over the page) but this has a bucket full of them, eg lots of basic spelling errors.

But worse is that I can't see any story. If there was I didn't get it.

If you want to do more of this I suggest you read scripts here at SS, give reviews and learn to format and order a story.it's a great place to learn.

If you chime in I can give more detailed notes but I can tell you some on this site could strip this script apart.

All the best.

Quoted from Reef Dreamer Charlie, I' m not one for going on about errors in a script (starting with the stupid sin of having your title page go on to two pages because your email address went over the page) but this has a bucket full of them, eg lots of basic spelling errors. But worse is that I can't see any story. If there was I didn't get it. If you want to do more of this I suggest you read scripts here at SS, give reviews and learn to format and order a story.it's a great place to learn. If you chime in I can give more detailed notes but I can tell you some on this site could strip this script apart. All the best.

I second everything here.

Right from the start I could see that you would over-write just by looking at the size of the action paragraphs!

I'd give a little more feedback, if you turn up soon. Nothing else I can say without coming across an A-hole. Sorry.

Daniel

Sorry - this is an abject lesson in 'How Not To Write A Script'.

Please tell me you know the difference between 'cup' and 'coup'? It's just that you spelled it that way twice...

But at least there's loads of room for improvement - if you're on the boards I put my ha'penny in.

So, 3 masked men get beat down by a couple. How did they die? did they get shot, stab or smash with baseball bat?

And why the action comes between the character and the dialogue?

Where the rest of the story, charlie.

Don't tell the rest of the story start from the beginning. 'cause it does sound like so.

The enormous problem here is that you cut out the part of the story that everyone wants to see: the action, the struggle, the adventure.  The second act.  You set everything up but you don't let us watch it all get knocked down.

I've never seen you on here before so this might just fall on deaf ears, but you need to learn a lot about story structure before you write another script.

Hey Charlie,

Sorry man but as soon as I saw the title page go over two pages I had to stop... I knew this was going to be riddled with errors.

Upon looking through the previous feedback, it appears I was right.

Read some scripts here on SS, participate on the boards and be amazed at how much your work will improve.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve

Hey Charlie,

This script is littered with mistakes, problems and general no-no's. I suggest you read more scripts, both amateur & professional, and see how other people write.

Congratulations on actually getting something written, but you need to keep reading, keep writing and you will definitely improve.