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SimplyScripts Screenwriting Discussion Board    Unproduced Screenplay Discussion    Short Scripts  ›  Death Unbecoming Moderators: bert
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Don
Posted: June 24th, 2012, 9:15am Report to Moderator
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So, what are you writing?

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Death Unbecoming by Chris F. Penoye (Penoyer79) - Short, Horror - The children are our future and now they'll have to fight for it... alone.  23 pages - pdf, format


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Dreamscale
Posted: June 24th, 2012, 12:04pm Report to Moderator
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Hey Chris, haven't seen you around much lately.

I'm trying to read and comment on at least 1 script a day, since I too haven't been around much as of late.  Came across this and saw it was yours, just recently posted.

When I saw it was 23 pages long, I kind of groaned, as IMO, 23 pages or anywhere near to that is too long for an actual short, and too short for a 30 minute anthology type thing on cable TV.

I got through your first scene and decided to throw in the towel.  First thing I want to say is that I see why this is 23 pages now - it's WAY overwritten.  The events and details that take place in your opening scene do not/should not take 6 1/2 pages.  No way, bro.

So, Chris, I've read some of your work in the past, and if I remember correctly, I've usually liked it. I wish I could say the same here, but there's no way I can.  This is tired, well trodden territory you've chosen to attack.  Zombie infested post apocalyptic, run down civilization - this time inhabited by all kids, ala Hunger Games, maybe?  I don't know, but it didn't do anything for me at all, I'm sorry to say.

But, don't get me wrong, I'm not about reinventing the wheel. I'm really not.  An engaging story, good characters, and solid writing, and Jeff's a happy guy.  This wasn't the case here for me at all.

First of all, your writing was a major problem for me.  And it really begins with your entire opening passage.  You start with a very wordy, 3 line passage that says literally nothing other than a description of Brianna.  3 lines for this right out of the gate?  I personally had a problem with your decision to use "is" as opposed to "has" for your second word.  I'm telling your honestly, this opening passage had a negative impact on me immediately.

Your next passage makes us aware that she's running from "three hissing ghouls".  Now...maybe it's just me, but this doesn't tell me much.  What is a hissing ghoul?  Whatever it may be, it sure doesn't immediately conjure up visions of zombies for me.

When the 3 friends show up to waste the ghouls, even though I still didn't know they were zombies, I rolled my eyes, because I've seen this sort of thing so many times, usually from adults, but now we have children doing it.

So, by the bottom of Page 1, you've set your stage, but you choose to run on for another 5 1/2 pages of dialogue that sounds very cheesy and unrealistic, and a classic plot point of having 1 of these ghouls turn out to be an ex friend that was missing.

I decided this was all I needed to read, as I've seen this movie many times before.  Now, it's getting late and they don't have time to make it back to their "camp".  Why did they let this happen?  Because that's how these movies work.  So, they're going to hole up in an old church for the night.  I wonder what's going to happen...actually, I know exactly what's going to happen.

For me, it all came off incredibly cliche and overblown.  I'm sorry if this is harsh, Chris.  I wish I could say how much I loved it, but I can't.  I hope you see what I'm saying and in some way, this helps.

Take care, man.
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Penoyer79
Posted: June 24th, 2012, 2:08pm Report to Moderator
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okay you hit below the belt when you mentioned my script in the same breath as Hunger Games. good god no. that's like being compared to Twilight. *shudder*

all joking aside.

i always thought i underwrote stuff too much. heh, guess not.

i realized some people were going to be turned off by the tired zombie genre... but i had the idea in my head for a while and decided to write it. i ran this by a couple of people before i posted it on here and got positve feedback...  of course they were all proclaimed zombiefreaks... heh.

i'll see what i can do about trimming it down. as far as the dialogue goes... i realize i have a ways to go. i'm working on it.
.
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 24th, 2012, 3:21pm Report to Moderator
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Chris, as I often do, I felt guilty, and decided to read the entire script.

Wanted to let you know my feelings real quick, in hopes they'll help.

SPOILERS     SPOILERS     SPOILERS

So, I see our Protags range in age from 7 to 12.  IMO, not a single one of them acts or speaks remotely like anyone their age would.  If I didn't know their ages, I would imagine every single one of them to be in their 20's or even 30's.  For me, this is an instant killer, in terms of believability.

This plays out EXACTLY as I knew it would.  I mean, to the T.  One was bitten earlier that we didn't know.  Zombies break in, surround the group, and a fight for survival takes place.  Several die, several live.

The reveal near the end as the "troops" come in to save the day is something we've all seen many times before as well, although I did not see that coming here.  The final reveal 25 years later, is again, something that's been used to death.

Bottom line is that I just don't see anything here that warrants a script, and at 23 pages long, IMO, it's kind of crazy.  This story here could and should be told in no more than 12 pages for a short, or if you chose to write it as a feature, no more than 90 pages, but that would obviously require a bunch more scenes and probably characters.

Don't get me wrong - we've all read and seen many features that don't bring anything new to the table, and if they're written well or done well, they can work for what they are.  So, IMO, you have 2 choices - cut this baby down to under 12 pages and make it zing along.  Or, expand it into a feature and give it something original that will be memorable, make it stand out, and make it work for exactly what it is.

You know this is all my personal opinion, and many often do not agree with my thoughts.  I am curious to see what other readers have to say about this.

Hope this helps.
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Forgive
Posted: June 24th, 2012, 5:39pm Report to Moderator
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Had this spun past me a while back ... trying to think back on what was said - main thing i remember was the ending came a little out of nowhere, and could have done with a bit of referencing - and the climax needed building up some.

I vaguely recall discussing with Chris if this was going to go full-feature or not - it was all a while back.

I warmed to it a little more. Zombies have been done a million times, but it's as much a case of there being a market there that needs a twist on the old story. I'm due to watch 'Attack the Block' tonight - pretty sure it'll be crap - but it's a Brit flick, so it has to be done. Alien invaders attack a tower block. Wonder what'll happen?

Back to Chris, thought - I did feel that there was some characterization here - I remember that, it just needed, like other stuff, fulfilling somewhat.

The whole thing about the ages came up a couple of times.

Yeah - all in all Jeff, you're probably not wrong - just harsh. V harsh.
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Penoyer79
Posted: June 24th, 2012, 8:46pm Report to Moderator
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lol Jeff... its fine... i dont take it personal. i know this script needs work, that's why i posted it.

i don't get offended by someone telling me something sucks.
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CoopBazinga
Posted: June 25th, 2012, 6:11am Report to Moderator
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Hey Chris,

Remember reading this one a while back and your main problem was the dialogue which Jeff has referred to in his post.

It was a tough dilemma, trying to give kids 7-12 believable dialogue in the circumstances. I remember thinking you had look at how this situation would have changed them and how long they’d had been living in this world? It makes a difference in the sense that if it’s only been weeks or months then the dialogue would still be very adolescent but years is a different ball game especially for the older kids.

As it was difficult to pull off, these kids do just sound like adults still and that takes away what was different about this zombie story.

I also remember there needed to be more purpose to the story for me, they just got held up in a church before the cavalry came in and saved the day. Not there is anything wrong with that but it plays out like many other movies at the moment.

However, I will admit to enjoying this one for what it was… but like I stated to you “I do love a good zombie story”

Anyway, a fun read for me but it didn’t add anything new to the genre but if you get some good feedback here, some insight for the dialogue problem then maybe this could be better developed and executed.

Good luck and keep writing.

Steve
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Dreamscale
Posted: June 25th, 2012, 9:46am Report to Moderator
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Steve brings up a good point about the dialogue and ages of the children speaking it.  Although this issue was not lost on me, I did not originally bring it up, but maybe it does need to be discussed.

When children, or even people in general, go through extremes, impossible to understand existence, etc, their dialogue and actions will be different than what we come to expect as "normal".

This is a given, but does it make our Protags dialogue sound any more realistic or believable?  Well, it doesn't for me, but it is something to take into consideration.  The kids will be tougher.  They will have seen so much no one should ever see.  They will be hardened.  They will be used to "killing", and used to seeing their friends dying.  And, the bottom line is that they will grow up much, much faster.

This all assuming that this has been going on for a long time, and if that is the case, they should know much better than allowing themselves to be "trapped" away from their camp at night.

But, I don't think that means that they'll sit around in extremely dangerous situations, having very adult-like conversations, and/or just acting 2 to 3 times their age.

There are several references that allude to there being a problem when children reach a certain age, and/or even that there aren't any adults alive.  If this is indeed the situation, it's something that's rather unique and an angle that IMO, should have been explored, or at least made more clear.

But, if that is the case, are we to believe that these troops coming in at the end, are all kids, as well?  Or was this virus or whatever it was merely where these kids were, and things were different on other continents?  And if that is the case, a brief dialogue exchange would help get that through.  Hell, I'd even make it clear where this is taking place right from the getgo.

Just an off the cuff idea here.  If you want your Protags to be "kids", my suggestion is to have them all in their teens, like literally 13 to 19, and throw something in about becoming infected when they reach their 20th Birthday. The reason being that kids in their teens can sound much more adult than kids in their preteens.  I personally feel it would solve a big problem you now have.
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Penoyer79
Posted: June 25th, 2012, 10:05pm Report to Moderator
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SPOILERS

there seems to be some confusion about some major plot points... so i'll go into a little more detail here.

its a virus that attacks you once you reach puberty. so at the onset of the virus....anyone over 12 years old or entering puberty got sick... in a matter of weeks only the young were left...  

the most resourceful of kids band together in groups to survive. our focus is on one of these such groups... though they may still be innocent kids (Brianna) they have also become hardend and efficient killers (Marcus)  

they have adapted well but they have suffered many casualties.

the most important of which was the Sally character.... she was the oldest. she was the one who organized them, gave them purpose and hope. once she sensed she was becoming ill..she ran off to protect the group.

the group couldnt deal with this - so they set out to find her. (the story picks up with them searching for her)

now that she's gone - Colin (on the fringe of puberty himself) has lost all his hope and purpose. he's ready to die now. he just hopes it's quick - not like the others.

on the flip side.... Alyssa still has faith in survival...but not in herself. she's relied on others for guidence, leadership, and strength throughout all of this. but Sally is gone and now she must watch as her other pillar of strength - colin - quits on them.

the ending of course gives colin exactly what he wants... the chance to die quickly.

with the Brittish army coming in i was alluding to the fact that only the Americas had been effected by the virus.

but the notion you brought up of having it widespread.... that the rescuing army is also made up of kids is very intriguing to me.

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Penoyer79  -  June 25th, 2012, 11:06pm
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Penoyer79
Posted: July 21st, 2012, 4:58pm Report to Moderator
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just got a request from a Junior High student requesting to use this as their end of term Play.

so awesome.

that's what its all about.  
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CoopBazinga
Posted: July 25th, 2012, 3:24am Report to Moderator
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Quoted from Penoyer79
just got a request from a Junior High student requesting to use this as their end of term Play.

so awesome.

that's what its all about.  


Congrats, Chris.

I also thought I would bump this back to the top. I'm quite surprised by the lack of action on this one. Thought everybody loved a zombie story... must just be me.
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Penoyer79
Posted: July 26th, 2012, 12:04am Report to Moderator
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wasnt meant as a bump. i didnt expect much attention. i havent been very active and still owe some reads.
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