Moment by Tom Peterson - Short, Sci Fi, Drama - In a place she believes to be Heaven, an imaginative, young girl tries to return back to her life. She soon learns a difficult truth that may shatter or complete her world. 17 pages - pdf, format

Hi Tom,

Didn't recognize your name, but it's always nice to see new contributors, here.

You have an incredibly intriguing log line, but I don't really think the script's execution was there. I ended up stopping after three pages.

Your main issue is lazy writing. You don't describe the important stuff, like characters reactions or even what they look like. You mention Tara's weird looks, but you don't explain what she actually looks like. What specific features make her appearance weird? As a person reading your script, I had no idea what was happening, visually.

Page 1: "She wears a stylish outfit she has never seen before." - How do we know she's never seen it before? You need to...
1) Describe the outfit. Just saying stylish doesn't really help a whole lot, considering many people around the world have different styles. For example, where I live, tracksuit pants and a checked shirt is stylish, whereas in America... I don't know what's stylish in America, to be honest, but hopefully you get what I am trying to say.

2) Describe Tara's reaction to these strange clothes she is wearing.

"SARIN has an interesting style of clothing and hair as well." - Perfect example of lazy writing. When I think interesting I think something multi-colored, but someone else might see plain black as interesting. Just take the time to get into the details.

Page 3:

                      TARA
         It sounds... (listening) It sounds
         really familiar.

Should be...
  
                       TARA
         It sounds...
                (listening)
         It sounds really familiar.

That was where I stopped reading, sorry to say. Story just wasn't for me.

Daniel

I also was intrigued by the logline.  I have a feeling this script is very near and dear to your heart so I'll tread lightly.   Writing-wise, I didn't find much fault in it or consider it lazy writing as Daniel said.   But story-wise, it was somewhat difficult to follow.  Very artsy-fartsy.  Far as I can tell (SPOILER) I'm assuming Tara kept a jounal and then it ended up becoming her physical reality.   I could be wrong.  

But all in all, the story just left me feeling unsatisfied.   Also, no FADE OUT:  On a positive note, your words flowed together very well.

I really enjoyed the story in this and up to page 12 there are only minor formatting issues that can be easily fixed. Although I understood the story and really liked it, from page 12 onwards the screenwriting becomes a bit messy and hard to get a clear picture of the scenes with all of the sluglines at the docks and the 'mindflashes'. I liked the ending and understood the message, but the different scenes at the docks just seemed messy. If you could find a better way to show the scenes from pages 12 - 17 then, IMO, you'd have a little beauty of a script.
Good Luck.

Renee

Damn it, I feel bad for saying "lazy writing" now. What I meant was I wasn't able to properly visualize the strange features you mention in the script, but you never go on to describe them, making it incredibly hard to just suck these strange features out of my thumb. I'd suggest maybe just spending a little extra time on descriptions.

No doubt you probably do have a good story here. I just think it's one of those stories you really have to nail on the head.

Sorry if I came across harsh.